Resenting Mom Years After Cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're nuts. Stop being so enmeshed, distance yourself and let them deal with their issues. Your parents are flawed human beings, not perfect angels meant to be put on a pedestal then hated for evermore if they fall off.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

Stop it. Cheaters are 100% at fault.
Adultery is a sin and a horrible betrayal of the whole family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

Sorry, are you really believing your lying cheating father? Cheaters are very good at manipulating and lying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

Its never or almost never a one time act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

OP here- I think you need to get over yourself and stop trying to minimize cheating. Nothing screams cheater like a person who defends it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

OP here- I think you need to get over yourself and stop trying to minimize cheating. Nothing screams cheater like a person who defends it.

Cheating is always unethical, an open relationship is not cheating.

[Anonymous]

I didn't care who cheated on whom. I hated that they put us through the violent fights that followed.
I asked them to get divorced, but they didn't until we were nearly adults.
Luckily they live abroad and will be put into a jar after they die without me having to go there at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't care who cheated on whom. I hated that they put us through the violent fights that followed.
I asked them to get divorced, but they didn't until we were nearly adults.
Luckily they live abroad and will be put into a jar after they die without me having to go there at all.

i sTaYeD fOr tHe kIdS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't care who cheated on whom. I hated that they put us through the violent fights that followed.
I asked them to get divorced, but they didn't until we were nearly adults.
Luckily they live abroad and will be put into a jar after they die without me having to go there at all.

i sTaYeD fOr tHe kIdS

Yep. They always do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't care who cheated on whom. I hated that they put us through the violent fights that followed.
I asked them to get divorced, but they didn't until we were nearly adults.
Luckily they live abroad and will be put into a jar after they die without me having to go there at all.

OP here, I know they fought, but not in front of us. I remember times when my dad was angry at stupid things, but that ended when he stopped caring about anything besides us kids.

I’m not going to say they did their best, but I know there was a lot of effort and sacrifices for us kids. My siblings tell me that my mom has been crying since my dad told her that it was over and I felt bad for everyone but her.

[Anonymous]

My father was a serial cheater for the entire duration of his 50 year marriage to my mother. My mother tolerated it for a variety of social, religious and economic reasons. One of my siblings knew about one of the affairs and was expected to keep it a secret from my siblings and me until my father died 30 years later. She did and I sometimes wonder if her cardiac issues are linked in part to the stress of carrying that secret/lie. Our family was like a television show---we had roles with no actual emotional connection--and lots of emotional abuse.

I am in middle age now and feeling my mortality. I chose years ago for health reasons to estrange myself from my mother. I gave up the fantasy that my family was fractured long before I ever came along and so it would never be able to be healed or fixed. Humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was a serial cheater for the entire duration of his 50 year marriage to my mother. My mother tolerated it for a variety of social, religious and economic reasons. One of my siblings knew about one of the affairs and was expected to keep it a secret from my siblings and me until my father died 30 years later. She did and I sometimes wonder if her cardiac issues are linked in part to the stress of carrying that secret/lie. Our family was like a television show---we had roles with no actual emotional connection--and lots of emotional abuse.

I am in middle age now and feeling my mortality. I chose years ago for health reasons to estrange myself from my mother. I gave up the fantasy that my family was fractured long before I ever came along and so it would never be able to be healed or fixed. Humans.

Sorry to hear that, probably a smart move to distance yourself. Hope you were able to grow way beyond their limitations.

[Anonymous]

You're very young and unable to understand what was going on in your parents' marriage. If someone cheats, it may well be a cry for help. It's not easy for a SAHM to leave and start her own life, especially after having raised children for many years. You're looking at everything too black and white. When men cheat, it's different, they have jobs and can set up a new living situation tomorrow. For a SAHM this is often not an option and unless she wants to lose access to kids, she's stuck. Which is why young women are advised to have careers: if you have your own money, you have your independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you tell her how you feel? At least get it off your chest.

But then what is the mom supposed to do with this information? Some of you all think initiating "this is why I don't like you" conversations are a sign of love and bring people closer together once the other party realized how terrible they are, but it doesn't work that way. The other person will retreat.

That maybe but the other person will, at least, know how you feel and understand her actions have consequences. She took that action knowing her action might breakup her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're very young and unable to understand what was going on in your parents' marriage. If someone cheats, it may well be a cry for help. It's not easy for a SAHM to leave and start her own life, especially after having raised children for many years. You're looking at everything too black and white. When men cheat, it's different, they have jobs and can set up a new living situation tomorrow. For a SAHM this is often not an option and unless she wants to lose access to kids, she's stuck. Which is why young women are advised to have careers: if you have your own money, you have your independence.

I don’t understand the point you are trying to make. Publicly, she is a big proponent of how important being a SAHM is and how much she loves it. Then she leaves me in charge at 13 to cheat with someone we all knew while my dad was working. He never abused her, cheated or was controlling, they always had a shared bank account and assets.

I don’t think age changes what is right and wrong, especially when she was the main influence in creating the value system I use to establish right and wrong. She cut off contact with her dad because of his cheating and was always very vocal about it, but she was cheating herself. How can you ever trust a hypocrite like that? Low character, no integrity, no moral compass and judgmental? Thinking about your comment makes me resent her more.