Sibling critical of our parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother criticized my parenting to my parents a LOT when our kids were little -- he has 2 girls and I have 2 boys. He is also a spanking home and we are not, but I'm stricter than most DCUMs for sure!

Anyway, our kids are all teens now and they are all lovely, polite young people and my brother and sons share a lot of interests and get along fantastically. He was wrong! Proving that is a joy to me.

Get the best revenge through the long game, it's all fine if you produce awesome kids in the long run.

Op here … I get that. But in the meantime, am I just supposed to put up with it?

Absolutely not. But before I cut her off I think I would switch tactics at this point and, as Ted Lasso says, be curious. I might say something like, "You know, I've asked you several times to stop criticizing our parenting and our kids and yet you keep doing it. You're willing to jeopardize our relationship and your access to our kids over your need to control them. Why do you think that is?" Put the burden on her to explain herself. It's probably unlikely that she will engage in any real introspection, but it's always possible. If you do reach the point of having to tell her that you won't be spending much time with her in the future, and your kids will definitely not be spending time with her, you'll know you've at least tried to get her to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Yes, it's super rude that she said something, it's none of her business. And you should tell her that.

But you're judging her parenting just as much as she's judging yours. You both think the other's way is wrong and your own way is right. Just like everyone else. So don't let that bother you.

This. I judge the parenting of my brother and his wife and DH's sister and her husband. I am very sure both couples judge our parenting, too. Oh, and I judge the way my parents and DH's parents parented and they judge the way we parent. The thing is, I am confident in most of what we are doing, so I don't care at all if others are judging me.

[Anonymous]

Whenever authoritarian parents criticize my parenting, I just respond “you know what they say - how you treat your kids is how they treat you in the nursing home”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, OP, your sis needs to get a grip.

You sound like an awesome parent and I am willing to bet your kiddo loves being around you--genuinely.

I wonder what would happen if you gave your sister a look of pity the next time she makes a comment about your parenting.

I'll do my best to write it here on this message board...I hope you can picture it. What if you gave sis a reaction that is sort of like---part pitying her and part calming her down so she doesn't have a stroke...like "Oh sis, no..no...you think you know but you don't know...just...quiet...shhhh...it's alright, just....it's ok..." And then another facial expression that says "you can put the lifelong judgment down, you can let go of that stressful role..just...rest now...it's alright, there there."

I think this would be like waving a red cloth in front of a bull.

[Anonymous]

If my sister criticized my parenting to me, I would look her straight in the eyes and say, "You need to shut TF up. I am completely serious. I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth about my parenting, ever."

This would not be difficult for me. I don't understand why you have put up with this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my sister criticized my parenting to me, I would look her straight in the eyes and say, "You need to shut TF up. I am completely serious. I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth about my parenting, ever."

This would not be difficult for me. I don't understand why you have put up with this at all.

Op here. This would be extremely difficult for me, but feeling like I might be actually able to say it this time (or some version of that).

I’ve tried to keep the peace in the past for my parents’ sake and also for the cousins’ sake. But at some point, I just have to be like “enough”.

She just has this narrative about my child and me and I’m not sure where she got it from. My child is not poorly behaved - not perfect, but a pretty great kid overall. Sure, there’s back talk occasionally (don’t most kids?) and we correct every time. But I’m not going to go nuclear for every tiny misstep.

She either says I don’t parent at all or I’m raising her to be older than she is. However, my child still plays pretend games like school, rides bikes, plays with stuffed animals, draws/colors. Limited screen time. There’s even movies I won’t let my kid watch that my sister will let her kid watch.

It’s frustrating to me because I just don’t understand the logic (or lack thereof)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my sister criticized my parenting to me, I would look her straight in the eyes and say, "You need to shut TF up. I am completely serious. I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth about my parenting, ever."

This would not be difficult for me. I don't understand why you have put up with this at all.

Op here. This would be extremely difficult for me, but feeling like I might be actually able to say it this time (or some version of that).

I’ve tried to keep the peace in the past for my parents’ sake and also for the cousins’ sake. But at some point, I just have to be like “enough”.

She just has this narrative about my child and me and I’m not sure where she got it from. My child is not poorly behaved - not perfect, but a pretty great kid overall. Sure, there’s back talk occasionally (don’t most kids?) and we correct every time. But I’m not going to go nuclear for every tiny misstep.

She either says I don’t parent at all or I’m raising her to be older than she is. However, my child still plays pretend games like school, rides bikes, plays with stuffed animals, draws/colors. Limited screen time. There’s even movies I won’t let my kid watch that my sister will let her kid watch.

It’s frustrating to me because I just don’t understand the logic (or lack thereof)

It’s not logical or factual. She has to tear other people down to feel better about herself. Whose kids are better behaved isn’t relevant to her emotional need for that.

[Anonymous]

"I don't know why you persist in telling me what you think of my parenting when I could not be clearer that I do not care, but when you said something to my kids, you crossed a line. You will apologize to them or we will skip any gathering where you are, because I am not subjecting them to that again. You may not care, but Mom and Dad do, so get it together"