Sibling critical of our parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to shut it politely but firmly. Repeat as often as needed.

This has been an ongoing narrative from her for the past 5ish years. This last time, she was much more aggressive and mean about it. Called my child names, accused her of saying things I can never picture her saying (and my child denies). Quite literally, she is the only adult that has ever voiced concerns about my child's behavior (and therefore my parenting). Unfortunately, she has pushed me too far this time and I need to apparently be more firm or cut off contact.

Tell her that.

I have. She told me she didn't believe that.

Geezer. Have you told her flat out that you don't believe her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to shut it politely but firmly. Repeat as often as needed.

This has been an ongoing narrative from her for the past 5ish years. This last time, she was much more aggressive and mean about it. Called my child names, accused her of saying things I can never picture her saying (and my child denies). Quite literally, she is the only adult that has ever voiced concerns about my child's behavior (and therefore my parenting). Unfortunately, she has pushed me too far this time and I need to apparently be more firm or cut off contact.

Call her out. If she persists cut ties.

[Anonymous]

Don’t understand why this is a question. be very blunt and clear with her letting her know your relationship is at risk.

[Anonymous]

So then enough is enough.

Sis, stop criticizing my parenting and calling my child names. If it happens again we'll just stay away. I respect your right to parent as you choose and I expect the same from you.

If you have a concern about some specific action or statement my child has made, please bring it to me privately.

I find it much easier to draw a line in the sand for my kids than I do for myself. So if that helps you maintain boundaries OP, so be it. No one calls my kid names (except me, lol).

Address it directly. Walk away if you need to. It's possible to be direct, firm and non-negotiable without being particularly emotional or accusatory.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be very clear with sister you won't allow her to speak to your child that way. Then follow through. It's not about your parenting, since she can address those concerns directly to you. Would you allow anyone else to treat your child that way?

Cut her off sooner rather than later. In the case of my own sister, I waited way too late and it was damaging to my kids.

[Anonymous]

When I was very clear what was unacceptable behavior towards my kids, she just did it behind my back till kids eventually came to me distressed about the situation.

[Anonymous]

Name calling? Unacceptable. Tell her you have an issue with the way she is being an aunt.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, that is my sister too.
She even called me a "helicopter parent" because I pay attention to my kids.
Well, she got divorced and her kids self-estranged from her. She started to focus more on my kids, but more like wagging her finger at them, looking for fault, etc.. She is always wagging her finger at other people because she knows better than they do.

This was years ago. I didn't say anything about it, just stayed away from her. Now my kids stay away from her too. It makes me very sad. I know she is in a lot of pain about her estranged children. I think it's partially due to how our parents raised us, and partially a bit of spectrum disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a very authoritarian parenting style. Very strict, harsh, rigid. In contrast, our parenting style is a bit more relaxed. Certainly not permissive or gentle by any means, but we are definitely not parenting by injecting fear into the relationship, expecting our child to be completely submissive. My parents parented that way and to this day, I feel like that's why we don't have a super close relationship. It was hard for me to make the switch from a tension filled childhood environment to a close one as an adult.

We have high expectations of our child, while she is not perfect (no kid is) she is very well behaved overall. We've never had a complaint about her from any adult in her life - we generally get glowing feedback on her behavior.

My sister has recently made it very known that she disapproves of our parenting style and claims my child's behavior is atrocious. The most egregious examples she can point to are a couple instances of slight back talk. I am dreading family events going forward as I know we are being judged and critiqued. How would you handle this going forward?

I would tell her to eff off a die, honestly.

[Anonymous]

You have our permission to end the relationship.

[Anonymous]

So why do you continue to see her if she is mean to you AND your kid? This is a no brainer. Cut her off

[Anonymous]

I have a bit of this dynamic too made a bit more obvious by the personalities of the same age cousins. Early on I did react and it came off as defensive. It gave my sibling an affirming reaction. Now, I do not show a hint of a reaction to any comments or comparisons. It helps that my kid who was a hellion when younger is clearly more mature, well spoken, etc than his cousin. Living under constant rigidity means the kid won’t talk to you or trust you and being a submissive follower is how kids get in trouble in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bit of this dynamic too made a bit more obvious by the personalities of the same age cousins. Early on I did react and it came off as defensive. It gave my sibling an affirming reaction. Now, I do not show a hint of a reaction to any comments or comparisons. It helps that my kid who was a hellion when younger is clearly more mature, well spoken, etc than his cousin. Living under constant rigidity means the kid won’t talk to you or trust you and being a submissive follower is how kids get in trouble in high school.

Op here and I completely agree.

Also, DD has friends over a lot and I hear how she speaks to them and I’ve never once heard anything less than kind come out of her mouth. I’d like to think we are doing something right.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Oh wow, that is my sister too.
[b]She even called me a "helicopter parent" because I pay attention to my kids.[/b]
Well, she got divorced and her kids self-estranged from her. She started to focus more on my kids, but more like wagging her finger at them, looking for fault, etc.. She is always wagging her finger at other people because she knows better than they do.

This was years ago. I didn't say anything about it, just stayed away from her. Now my kids stay away from her too. It makes me very sad. I know she is in a lot of pain about her estranged children. I think it's partially due to how our parents raised us, and partially a bit of spectrum disorder.[/quote]

Op here. It’s the opposite here. She says I don’t at all. And acts like she’s feral. She’s a great student, everyone says how kind and well behaved she is, she’s a super hard worker, has tons of friends… I just don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

When you're in a room with someone you don't like - you limit contact. You mingle, talk to others. Make sure you aren't seated next to them at a meal. You leave their presence, or call them out, if they say something inaccurate.