Sibling critical of our parenting

[Anonymous]

My sister has a very authoritarian parenting style. Very strict, harsh, rigid. In contrast, our parenting style is a bit more relaxed. Certainly not permissive or gentle by any means, but we are definitely not parenting by injecting fear into the relationship, expecting our child to be completely submissive. My parents parented that way and to this day, I feel like that's why we don't have a super close relationship. It was hard for me to make the switch from a tension filled childhood environment to a close one as an adult.

We have high expectations of our child, while she is not perfect (no kid is) she is very well behaved overall. We've never had a complaint about her from any adult in her life - we generally get glowing feedback on her behavior.

My sister has recently made it very known that she disapproves of our parenting style and claims my child's behavior is atrocious. The most egregious examples she can point to are a couple instances of slight back talk. I am dreading family events going forward as I know we are being judged and critiqued. How would you handle this going forward?

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? How old are your sister's kids? I would tell my sister to butt out of my parenting. If she continues, low contact with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? How old are your sister's kids? I would tell my sister to butt out of my parenting. If she continues, low contact with her.

We each have one child - same age - older elementary.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Yes, it's super rude that she said something, it's none of her business. And you should tell her that.

But you're judging her parenting just as much as she's judging yours. You both think the other's way is wrong and your own way is right. Just like everyone else. So don't let that bother you.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you tell your sister to mind her own business? or go low to no contact?

Are you scared of this sister of yours?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't give AF! She can parent her kids how she wants, and you parent your kids how you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Yes, it's super rude that she said something, it's none of her business. And you should tell her that.

But you're judging her parenting just as much as she's judging yours. You both think the other's way is wrong and your own way is right. Just like everyone else. So don't let that bother you.

Correct, but I keep my mouth shut about it because it's her prerogative to parent the way she wants. That's the difference.

[Anonymous]

"You get to parent your kid the way you want, and I get to parent mine the way I want. If you don't like how I parent, you don't have to parent that way. Isn't free will awesome?"

[Anonymous]

Just tell her to shut it politely but firmly. Repeat as often as needed.

[Anonymous]

Since she doesn't keep her mouth shut, you have to confront her. I also parent in a way that kids can say what's on their mind, I welcome questions and discussions. I hate this paranoia about "back talk". I always found that adults who complain about "back talk" were put in their place by a child and that's what irked them. They didn't know how to respond in the moment and felt the child had an upper hand. These are shallow, intellectually inferior human beings. That's why they raise their own kids submissive: because they're too stupid to actually have a conversation. These are "you have to do something because I say so" people. You deal with them by being strict and telling them that differently from them, you're not raising sheep. Also point out that their inability to not counter a child's argument is reflecting poorly on them, not the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to shut it politely but firmly. Repeat as often as needed.

This has been an ongoing narrative from her for the past 5ish years. This last time, she was much more aggressive and mean about it. Called my child names, accused her of saying things I can never picture her saying (and my child denies). Quite literally, she is the only adult that has ever voiced concerns about my child's behavior (and therefore my parenting). Unfortunately, she has pushed me too far this time and I need to apparently be more firm or cut off contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since she doesn't keep her mouth shut, you have to confront her. I also parent in a way that kids can say what's on their mind, I welcome questions and discussions. I hate this paranoia about "back talk". I always found that adults who complain about "back talk" were put in their place by a child and that's what irked them. They didn't know how to respond in the moment and felt the child had an upper hand. These are shallow, intellectually inferior human beings. That's why they raise their own kids submissive: because they're too stupid to actually have a conversation. These are "you have to do something because I say so" people. You deal with them by being strict and telling them that differently from them, you're not raising sheep. Also point out that their inability to not counter a child's argument is reflecting poorly on them, not the child.

OP here, this totally sums up how I feel. I want my child to be able to come to me when she's older if she has a problem - not be terrified that mom will be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to shut it politely but firmly. Repeat as often as needed.

This has been an ongoing narrative from her for the past 5ish years. This last time, she was much more aggressive and mean about it. Called my child names, accused her of saying things I can never picture her saying (and my child denies). Quite literally, she is the only adult that has ever voiced concerns about my child's behavior (and therefore my parenting). Unfortunately, she has pushed me too far this time and I need to apparently be more firm or cut off contact.

Tell her that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to shut it politely but firmly. Repeat as often as needed.

This has been an ongoing narrative from her for the past 5ish years. This last time, she was much more aggressive and mean about it. Called my child names, accused her of saying things I can never picture her saying (and my child denies). Quite literally, she is the only adult that has ever voiced concerns about my child's behavior (and therefore my parenting). Unfortunately, she has pushed me too far this time and I need to apparently be more firm or cut off contact.

Tell her that.

I have. She told me she didn't believe that.

[Anonymous]

I support you 100% and would push back strongly. My husband has authoritarian tendencies, which has impacted his relationship with our young adult son. With a lot of pushback, he managed to tone it down for DD, a high schooler. But the damage is done in the sense that she observed his parenting methods with her older brother and doesn't fully trust him.

And don't feel obligated to go to these family events if it stresses you out.