Sibling critical of our parenting

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't have to "get it". Stop wasting energy trying to figure this out. Treat your sister as you would an annoying neighbor. She's someone who will be around, mixing with other people along with you. That's all you investing you need to make, at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was very clear what was unacceptable behavior towards my kids, she just did it behind my back till kids eventually came to me distressed about the situation.

Do you have one child or more than one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't have to "get it". Stop wasting energy trying to figure this out. Treat your sister as you would an annoying neighbor. She's someone who will be around, mixing with other people along with you. That's all you investing you need to make, at this point.

This. My golden child sister always had something negative to say about my kids. I never went back at her then because she always escalated and then everyone was uncomfortable. Well now our kids are grown and so have I. If she comes at my kids, I let her have it back. Her kids, the golden grandchildren, have been much less successful so far than my kids, and I hate it for them. But when everything is handed to you, it’s what is to be expected. I’ve really let my sister know how hurtful she’s been, but she’s still a nosy know-it-all. Without our parents to coddle her, she’s learned the hard way not to be so judgmental. I no longer hold back and my kids can’t stand her. I only see her once a year, if at all anymore. My kids and their families never see her. I’m over her. Do yourself and your child a favor. Either say something or stop being around her with your child and let her know why. I regret the decades I relented to my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't have to "get it". Stop wasting energy trying to figure this out. Treat your sister as you would an annoying neighbor. She's someone who will be around, mixing with other people along with you. That's all you investing you need to make, at this point.

Op here. We have a tiny family … hard to avoid her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give AF! She can parent her kids how she wants, and you parent your kids how you want.

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't have to "get it". Stop wasting energy trying to figure this out. Treat your sister as you would an annoying neighbor. She's someone who will be around, mixing with other people along with you. That's all you investing you need to make, at this point.

This. My golden child sister always had something negative to say about my kids. I never went back at her then because she always escalated and then everyone was uncomfortable. Well now our kids are grown and so have I. If she comes at my kids, I let her have it back. Her kids, the golden grandchildren, have been much less successful so far than my kids, and I hate it for them. But when everything is handed to you, it’s what is to be expected. I’ve really let my sister know how hurtful she’s been, but she’s still a nosy know-it-all. Without our parents to coddle her, she’s learned the hard way not to be so judgmental. I no longer hold back and my kids can’t stand her. I only see her once a year, if at all anymore. My kids and their families never see her. I’m over her. Do yourself and your child a favor. Either say something or stop being around her with your child and let her know why. I regret the decades I relented to my sister.

Op here. I definitely pushed back big time on her this last time. We are currently not speaking. With the holidays coming up, I’m uncertain how to proceed

[Anonymous]

Oh man, OP, your sis needs to get a grip.

You sound like an awesome parent and I am willing to bet your kiddo loves being around you--genuinely.

I wonder what would happen if you gave your sister a look of pity the next time she makes a comment about your parenting.

I'll do my best to write it here on this message board...I hope you can picture it. What if you gave sis a reaction that is sort of like---part pitying her and part calming her down so she doesn't have a stroke...like "Oh sis, no..no...you think you know but you don't know...just...quiet...shhhh...it's alright, just....it's ok..." And then another facial expression that says "you can put the lifelong judgment down, you can let go of that stressful role..just...rest now...it's alright, there there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since she doesn't keep her mouth shut, you have to confront her. I also parent in a way that kids can say what's on their mind, I welcome questions and discussions. I hate this paranoia about "back talk". I always found that adults who complain about "back talk" were put in their place by a child and that's what irked them. They didn't know how to respond in the moment and felt the child had an upper hand. These are shallow, intellectually inferior human beings. That's why they raise their own kids submissive: because they're too stupid to actually have a conversation. These are "you have to do something because I say so" people. You deal with them by being strict and telling them that differently from them, you're not raising sheep. Also point out that their inability to not counter a child's argument is reflecting poorly on them, not the child.

LOLOL. You actually believe your own BS, don’t you?

[Anonymous]

OP, you see your Mom at other times. Make up for it with Mom by seeing her more. Why is it so hard to not be mingling with your sister? Your children should not be around people who are mean to them. See her quarterly for only a couple hours - along with other family members, because you have to. Your kids can be "busy", not available. They see Grandma and others they like at other times.

[Anonymous]

pp again, Op you say "parents" so make sure your kids see your parents. No reason it has to be sister too

[Anonymous]

I think to be helpful people need to better understand the logistics of your family holidays. Are you all local and you can briefly see her for a two hour meal? Or do you have to travel to them and navigate three days? There are a variety of low contact things you can do, but the specifics matter.

Of course, you could go no contact. But I think some of this depends on your kid’s reaction. Just how much of this does the kid hear? Is this a sensitive kid or one who forgets about this within a minute? Are they old enough to roll their eyes and be like “aunt Susie is crazy cakes!!”

[Anonymous]

Hold on - she said something directly to your child without you present? What did she say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hold on - she said something directly to your child without you present? What did she say?

OP here, no she criticized my parenting to me.

[Anonymous]

My brother criticized my parenting to my parents a LOT when our kids were little -- he has 2 girls and I have 2 boys. He is also a spanking home and we are not, but I'm stricter than most DCUMs for sure!

Anyway, our kids are all teens now and they are all lovely, polite young people and my brother and sons share a lot of interests and get along fantastically. He was wrong! Proving that is a joy to me.

Get the best revenge through the long game, it's all fine if you produce awesome kids in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother criticized my parenting to my parents a LOT when our kids were little -- he has 2 girls and I have 2 boys. He is also a spanking home and we are not, but I'm stricter than most DCUMs for sure!

Anyway, our kids are all teens now and they are all lovely, polite young people and my brother and sons share a lot of interests and get along fantastically. He was wrong! Proving that is a joy to me.

Get the best revenge through the long game, it's all fine if you produce awesome kids in the long run.

Op here … I get that. But in the meantime, am I just supposed to put up with it?