Ugh. Dc threatens to drop out of college at least once a semester. Or transfer someplace cheaper ( and I think easier,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But he doesn’t say that. I always talk him into staying.

He’s a junior now. And the talk has started again. He even went to his faculty advisor the other day to discuss it and she told him how to drop out (Thanks, lady).

Other details. His dad and I are supposed to split tuition but his dad stopped paying and had ds take out loans (dad co signs) last semester. I could pay 100 percent but it would be a big stretch. So dc is stressed about that piece too.

He goes to a grind college. Not a lot of academic support either. He has made friends and has a good GPA for his program, but I know it’s not easy. His idea is to take a semester off and then finish college locally at home.

He had moderate depression and anxiety in HS. Took an SSRI and did great but is now off of it, and not interested in re starting. Therapy isn’t an option right now either.

Wwyd? Encourage him to stay? Let him drop out and live at home? Offer to pay all tuition and deal with his dad separately?

Any non snarky advice appreciated

Can you move to where his college is, even temporarily?

Funny you’d say that. I can’t unfortunately but when I dropped him off at school, he seemed to want me to stay around so I stayed for 5 days at a hotel. He’d hang with his friends but then want to know he could see me for a coffee or whatever. I think definitely some anxiety with him. Honestly I think a low dose of meds would fix this but he says he won’t do it, not sure why.

[Anonymous]

Trade school.

[Anonymous]

What's his major? Can he do a co-op next semester and do some internship for credit or even a gap semester with work experience? My kid went to a LAC (admittedly less of a grind) but many of her friends at her college and HS friends at other LACs and state schools took gap semesters or transferred closer to home. Most graduated on time or a just a semester or two later. It wasn't that odd and most of them seem happy now, having graduated or on track to graduate soon.

[Anonymous]

Does he get the new-semester jitters? My daughter (also a junior) gets these every single semester, and she spends the first couple of weeks convinced she's about to flunk out. It's happened enough times now that she acknowledges and expects it.

In terms of saving money, study abroad for a semester could save you a lot of tuition if he's in a private school. My daughter will be studying with CIEE next semester on their block program. She is attending two blocks (12 weeks total) and the tuition for the semester is $15k, which includes her apartment. Another solution is to find a study abroad program run through your in-state public which will charge in-state tuition. My daughter's school also changed their policy a few years ago... it used to be seniors could not study abroad, but now first-semester seniors can. So this could be something to check on as well.

[Anonymous]

What a thread title. Bet OP talks alot.

[Anonymous]

I would have him finish up the current semester and then move home in December. Spend the spring working and coming up with a solid plan to finish the last 18 months of college locally.

[Anonymous]

What are you two doing to this child? Why didn't he go to community college and concentrate on his well-being?
DC lives with his aunt (home would also be an option) for free. He got 30 credits transferred form high school, but will still take two years to finish community college. There's no rush whatsoever.
No loans to worry about or health problems of any sort.
Why do you expect so much from him and then you are surprised when he wants to drop out.

[Anonymous]

As an undergrad, I had to talk myself out of quitting every day. Finally I came to the conclusion that there are a million reasons to quit, & none of them are any good.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you made the college application all about you and not about your kid.

[Anonymous]

I would either a) pay for the rest of his college, negating his need for loans with his dad or b) enroll him in the local college and let him live at home

These two things appear to be the largest sources of tension / anxiety

As well as solving these immediate problems, I would probably get him a therapist who can prescribe SSRI's and explain their safety and benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his dad doesn’t want to or cannot afford college it’s his choice Have him apply to other colleges and see where he gets in then decide.

Well, not exactly ‘his choice’. He’s violating a court order, so.

He knows where he wants to go. A local school where he’d live at home.

And what are you doing to enforce this order so that your kid doesn't have to go into debt for college?? Have you talked to your divorce attorney?

I don't think it is at ALL unwise for him to want to go to a cheaper school rather than take on debt.

He should not drop out, however, without a transfer in place. he should consider a leave of absence.

If he is ok, mental health wise, study abroad could be a good idea. Someplace fun with classes in English that aren't too hard and where he can take needed classes for his major if necessary.

Oh lol, lady. You have no idea. But enforcement where I live takes time, especially with someone like my ex. So it’s not happening any time soon.

He is willing to go abroad. But that’s next semester.

What do you mean by all this? Have you taken steps to enforce the contract? This is a benefit for your child. You need to take steps to enforce it. Then that money can be used to pay off the loans.

Being stressed out by taking loans is rational.

Is your kid estranged from his dad? If so, he might be able to get his income and assets subtracted from the financial aid forms and get approved for grants. It sounds like he is at a top school - they tend to have money and they give aid to middle class kids (like up to 200k HHI).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would either a) pay for the rest of his college, negating his need for loans with his dad or b) enroll him in the local college and let him live at home

These two things appear to be the largest sources of tension / anxiety

As well as solving these immediate problems, I would probably get him a therapist who can prescribe SSRI's and explain their safety and benefits.

+1, but especially the money. If you can afford to pay, either pay now or commit to your kid that you will pay down the loans on a schedule after graduation (if you commit you must actually do it, set aside money now and tell him you are). Meanwhile, take the dad to court and also work with the school to see what can be done when dad is absentee. If you're not willing to do that, I don't know that you have a say in whether he drops out.

Being concerned about loans is reasonable, especially because it sounds like he may not enjoy his major and is looking at years of misery to try to pay them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you made the college application all about you and not about your kid.

Sounds like you’re a troll. I had little to nothing to do with my kids college apps or the choice of this school. Totally his choice that he came to independently. I did worry about the finances because I know my ex husband, but dc was not interested in hearing it at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would either a) pay for the rest of his college, negating his need for loans with his dad or b) enroll him in the local college and let him live at home

These two things appear to be the largest sources of tension / anxiety

As well as solving these immediate problems, I would probably get him a therapist who can prescribe SSRI's and explain their safety and benefits.

+1, but especially the money. If you can afford to pay, either pay now or commit to your kid that you will pay down the loans on a schedule after graduation (if you commit you must actually do it, set aside money now and tell him you are). Meanwhile, take the dad to court and also work with the school to see what can be done when dad is absentee. If you're not willing to do that, I don't know that you have a say in whether he drops out.

Being concerned about loans is reasonable, especially because it sounds like he may not enjoy his major and is looking at years of misery to try to pay them off.

Op here. Totally agree with all of this, and this is the plan. My dc is going to talk to his school today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his dad doesn’t want to or cannot afford college it’s his choice Have him apply to other colleges and see where he gets in then decide.

Well, not exactly ‘his choice’. He’s violating a court order, so.

He knows where he wants to go. A local school where he’d live at home.

And what are you doing to enforce this order so that your kid doesn't have to go into debt for college?? Have you talked to your divorce attorney?

I don't think it is at ALL unwise for him to want to go to a cheaper school rather than take on debt.

He should not drop out, however, without a transfer in place. he should consider a leave of absence.

If he is ok, mental health wise, study abroad could be a good idea. Someplace fun with classes in English that aren't too hard and where he can take needed classes for his major if necessary.

Oh lol, lady. You have no idea. But enforcement where I live takes time, especially with someone like my ex. So it’s not happening any time soon.

He is willing to go abroad. But that’s next semester.

What do you mean by all this? Have you taken steps to enforce the contract? This is a benefit for your child. You need to take steps to enforce it. Then that money can be used to pay off the loans.

Being stressed out by taking loans is rational.

Is your kid estranged from his dad? If so, he might be able to get his income and assets subtracted from the financial aid forms and get approved for grants. It sounds like he is at a top school - they tend to have money and they give aid to middle class kids (like up to 200k HHI).

Yea, I’ve taken steps. Enforcement is slow.

No, ironically he is not estranged from his dad. I’m livid that his dad pulls this nonsense- he also tends to not say anything until my kid is physically at school and of course my kid has his own weirdness about asking his dad. It all just sucks and is not fair, but it is what it is.