Really sad about lack of relationship with brother and his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

Ha, ha! I missed this one! Why does my brother not see me all the time while nobody in our family likes his wife! Let me write him an e-mail and call him about it! II can guarantee that with your/your family's attitude you're not going to be invited to any events down the road at all, much less have weekly get-togethers!

I think you confused this poster and the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

No one in your family likes the one person making an effort at having a non-dysfunctional relationship, and you’ve deemed her a doormat. For her own sake, hopefully she’ll drop the rope.

+100
I hope the wife eventually realizes what kind of family she married into and becomes a real “American”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother isn’t actively rejecting you, but he’s also not showing up in the way you hoped. People can say they value closeness but still fail to act on it. It may be useful to name this as a pattern, not a one-time event. That allows you to meet him more realistically, (at least in your head and from a place of figuring things out) not from the place of the vision you had.
If you're thinking of writing an email or calling:
Know your intention. Do you want to be heard? Create change? Set a boundary? Clarify your needs?
Be prepared for the possibility that he may not respond as you'd hope. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express yourself—but it’s worth protecting your expectations.

Ask yourself:
-What has he actually shown me he’s capable of offering?
-How does that compare with what I need in a close sibling relationship?

Decide What You Need Right Now. “Do I need to express my hurt?” “Do I need clearer boundaries around how much I chase this?”
“Do I need to stop hoping for something different and grieve what isn’t?” You don’t have to choose either total disconnection or pouring yourself out again. You might instead choose a connection that expects less and protects your emotional energy.

Where else can you build community and connection for yourself and your child?
Are there friends, cousins, neighbors, or parent groups who can offer the presence and mutuality you’ve been craving?

OP here. usually the first post isnt the best but thanks, this is really helpful. and to clear up some other things- i always go to their house and do the drive because its bigger and they have a yard. Maybe a handful of times we have met in the middle over the past 3 years. My brother has been to my place 2x and my SIL never. They also have a 2 year old so the age difference with the kids isnt a thing. Id be fine with once a month, Im not looking for weekly. I have a great community. It really hit me once a few weeks ago when i thought i might possibly need a few hours of help with my kid when daycare closed unexpectedly and i had a dr appt. I came up with 4 other friends who could help me out without even thinking about my brother- who was off work, close by, and had an extra car seat in his car with his kid in daycare. Like thats the thing- im also busy and have friends and connections, but I want to prioritize time with them when I can; its just clear they dont want to and that's what makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Like thats the thing- im also busy and have friends and connections, but I want to prioritize time with them when I can; its just clear they dont want to and that's what makes me sad.

Being sad is ok - it means you’re a person with feelings. Noting that he doesn’t want a closer relationship is insightful. I know it can be painful.

I’m glad you have a strong group of friends and support - that’s a sign you’re doing well, for yourself and your child.

[Anonymous]

You cannot prioritize your time with someone who doesn't want. It's not for your to decide. Most commentators here have their family (parents, siblings) in other states/countries/continents and manage themselves. Nobody wants to babysit your kid. Move where the kid's father is if you need help, that's literally what both parents are for. Or have a backup for hire babysitter. I don't know anyone whose brother looks after their kids or who see their brother (who has their own family) once a month. You have unrealistic expectations and sound needy.

[Anonymous]

Try to communicate with the wife and plan visits with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

Didn't you post this troll earlier in the summer? Leave the guy alone. He has no obligation to you. Just because you're related doesn't mean he has to have a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

How many times have you babysat for your brother's kids? Relationships are normally give-and-take, not take-and-take. You're not sad about your relationship or the lack of thereof with your brother, you're sad that your brother and his wife are not chipping in raising your kid. This is your job, not theirs. It sounds like they have 3 kids (2 who are 5 and 1 who is 2?), their hands are full and your expectation of wrapping your brother up in baby-daddy's duties doesn't pan out.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read the entire thread, but from the original post it sounds like the wife is using the “let her husband handle his family” rule as an excuse to not hang out with your family too much. Is there a reason why she doesn’t like you or your family?

I have family like this too. The wives won’t take on the mental load of their husband’s family but I have a feeling it’s because they don’t want to host as often as they would otherwise have to if they responded to every request to meet up.

[Anonymous]

Eh, my brother and his family have only come to visit us (4.5 hours away by car) once in the past 10 years, and it was for about 24 hours. They claim their weekends are filled with their kids sports that they can’t miss. Ummm ok? We go visit them (and specifically my parents who live close to them) several times a year and they make time for us when we visit them. Eh, it is what it is. I never speak with my brother on the phone. Or my SIL. Occasionally text them. But they’re pleasant enough when we see them. My brother is on the spectrum so conversations with him aren’t that much of a give and take.

[Anonymous]

He's one of those people who don't see time pass and don't need a lot of socialization.

That's fine, OP. You can't change him. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read the entire thread, but from the original post it sounds like the wife is using the “let her husband handle his family” rule as an excuse to not hang out with your family too much. Is there a reason why she doesn’t like you or your family?

I have family like this too. The wives won’t take on the mental load of their husband’s family but I have a feeling it’s because they don’t want to host as often as they would otherwise have to if they responded to every request to meet up.

The wives sound smart. Why isn’t it enough for you that they don’t want to take on their husband’s’ responsibility to manage relationships with their families? Why do you have to feel they have another reason? Though not wanted extra hosting work sounds like a solid reason. If their husbands won’t mange the relationship with their own family I’d expect them to be zero help hosting their own family.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t email or text about this.

Maybe try a standing date each month?