Really sad about lack of relationship with brother and his family

[Anonymous]

As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your brother isn’t actively rejecting you, but he’s also not showing up in the way you hoped. People can say they value closeness but still fail to act on it. It may be useful to name this as a pattern, not a one-time event. That allows you to meet him more realistically, (at least in your head and from a place of figuring things out) not from the place of the vision you had.
If you're thinking of writing an email or calling:
Know your intention. Do you want to be heard? Create change? Set a boundary? Clarify your needs?
Be prepared for the possibility that he may not respond as you'd hope. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express yourself—but it’s worth protecting your expectations.

Ask yourself:
-What has he actually shown me he’s capable of offering?
-How does that compare with what I need in a close sibling relationship?

Decide What You Need Right Now. “Do I need to express my hurt?” “Do I need clearer boundaries around how much I chase this?”
“Do I need to stop hoping for something different and grieve what isn’t?” You don’t have to choose either total disconnection or pouring yourself out again. You might instead choose a connection that expects less and protects your emotional energy.

Where else can you build community and connection for yourself and your child?
Are there friends, cousins, neighbors, or parent groups who can offer the presence and mutuality you’ve been craving?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it's not intentional. He's coddled and his wife handles those things. I'm not saying it should be her responsibility because she's the wife, but it sounds like she has taken the lead on that. He wants to see you, but maybe he doesn't know the kids schedules, maybe he doesn't want to just invite you over without his wife's approval and he doesn't ask her. Because he's used to things like Easter and birthdays just automatically happening out of thin air. I would honestly just try coordinating with her if she's open to that, instead of clearing your calendar and hoping they are available. I think you can honestly say, "its a shame the summer has passed and we've barely seen each other, Larla is growing so fast and we don't live very far away, how can we make more time together, especially with school starting?" Make it a project that you, bro, and SIL are jointly working through instead of the passive "oh, it would be nice to get together, its been so long..." whether that is a weekly dinner at alternating houses, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

Here’s the problem.

[Anonymous]

It’s not the wife’s job. That isn’t a problem.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

You can't change people though. Either he is self-centered or has executive function disorders or finds his family of origin a problem. It's hard to know, and he probably won't tell you what he's thinking.

I had a similar situation with friends and realized I was going to stop giving more than I was getting. This was quite freeing.

My husband suggested I keep these people "on the bookshelf" but place them lower and into the corner. So, basically, forge other connections with people who will match and respond to your energy, and consider developing community and your own family elsewhere. Then, when your brother does feel like getting together, you can do it or not.

Once I did the above, I felt so much better. In my case, I had to go low contact with a mentally disordered sibling who brings too much manipulation and drama into my life. I have to face the fact their kids probably will stop talking to me even though they call their own parent (my sibling) "controlling" and note that "everyone knows" that parent is a hoarder. But, still, I am somehow a thief and a bad person in general. It's better to be away from any lies, manipulation, and drama.

This is not an easy path, yet you will feel much better with new and more solid connections. Instead of trying for what you can't have, you'll be able to have what you want with different people.

[Anonymous]

Let him be...

[Anonymous]

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him

Don't do this. This won't help.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a problem as old as time. Message to others ~ never move close to family with any particular expectation. Don't make them and an imagined relationship with them, the reason you move

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you single?

[Anonymous]

Single by choice or a divorce, that may interfere with your brother feeling connected to you. Possible he may not approve of your choices. Could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not the wife’s job. That isn’t a problem.

This! Wife sounds smart, don’t try to use her as a scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

I’m not as close with my brother and I’m sad too. I reach out and he sometimes responds and and sometimes doesn’t. And I can count on one hand how many times he reached out to me in the past 5 years. I also don’t think it’s intentional or malicious, just…careless and egotistical that I’ll always be there and he doesn’t have to put forth any thought or effort.

[Anonymous]

Don't send any e-mails. It will get everyone upset.

Your kid is 2. That's still a little young to bond with 5 year olds. Are the kids the same gender?

In your shoes, I would try to find ways to make the kids closer so that the older kids request you to come over.

For example, maybe you can offer to supervise all the kids at your brother's for a family sleepover or babysit for your brother and SIL while they have a date night.

There are always planners in a relationship. You could be offended about that or be neutral. My husband and I are the planners in all of our friendships. People just don't try very hard to keep in touch these days.

If the kids bond to each other, the relationship will become self-sustaining. This has happened with my boys and their boy cousins. They play Roblox remotely almost every day when they are at home, even though now the cousins have moved many states away. Two of them went to day camp together this year.

I agree that your SIL is the person with the most potential to improve the situation. Your brother is unlikely to change from his core nature.

Given that your kid is 2, I would say that strengthening the relationship between the kids is a long-term goal. Many kids don't start to make real permanent friends until about kindergarten age.

[Anonymous]

I’d ask them if they’d be amenable to a loose schedule. Something like morning playtime the first Sunday of every month. Alternate who hosts, or meet at a playground in between your houses. Bring bagels and fruit and muffins. Just make it easy for them to show up with little thought.

I think being 40 minutes away is harder than you’re giving it credit. That not really Monday night dinner distance, which means it’s a weekend only relationship. If they have established relationships locally, they are spending their weekends on those.

My last point is that this will get easier when neither of you have nap schedules to deal with on weekends. Of course, then weekend sports/activities ramp up.