Really sad about lack of relationship with brother and his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

Here’s the problem.

+1

Tell him next time he marries to pick a real woman!

[Anonymous]

DP here.

I have very close relationship with both my brothers. But, many times they prefer to hang out with my DH, instead of hanging out with my SILs and me. That way, they can talk about sports and other things that men like to talk about.

In the event of a family get together, the men want to just eat and chill. Women are the ones who are actually handling the logistics of things.

If OP is a single mom with a small kid...why does she think anyone is interested in hanging out with her, least of all her grown-ass-married-with-children brother?

No man has ever said - Let's have a family get together. It is the women who are getting people together.

[Anonymous]

If OP is a single mom with a small kid...why does she think anyone is interested in hanging out with her, least of all her grown-ass-married-with-children brother?


What a cruel, cynical thing to say. And do you really think men can’t enjoy hanging out with their sisters simply because they’re men?

[Anonymous]

OP, you put in the work and get your family together. It is usually one person who is the glue of the family.

If you don't have the bandwidth for that, neither do others.

[Anonymous]

It is not a lack of relationship, it is just less get togethers than you would like.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this a lot. You simply want a closer relationship than he wants. He values your relationship but simply doesn’t want the level of closeness and frequency of visits that you do.

Do not write to him! That is completely crazy and will make him pull back more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

The word relationship is so vague. You define it with your expectations, he does the same.

2 year olds are basically still babies. They have nothing in common with 5 year olds.

If you are truly seeking a "village" to help you raise you kid, acknowledge that. But your bro can say yes or no to that, up to him. He may not want to feel like he has to become a father figure to the kid, his wife may fear that as well.

[Anonymous]

Ha. I made my husband the point of contact for his family. We stopped seeing them entirely. I’ve never minded. They never once asked what was going on with me. They were always too busy talking about how they did things. Well, the lot of them can all figure it out based on how they do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not a lack of relationship, it is just less get togethers than you would like.

+1

It is not a problem, it is a circumstance.

[Anonymous]

This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

You have this idealized notion of "family" and "relationship" and the obligations that seemingly come with both to ensure your happiness, but it doesn't work that way, you can't play the "family" card and say hey do this, this is expected of you, you know!

In.any event, you resent your brother and judge him, so just leave him alone actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this a lot. You simply want a closer relationship than he wants. He values your relationship but simply doesn’t want the level of closeness and frequency of visits that you do.

Do not write to him! That is completely crazy and will make him pull back more.

From what OP describes, he's not making an active choice. He just sounds lazy. If they lived next door he'd probably see her all the time. Hes just not going to make arrangements and plans. Op needs to take a bigger role in that, with SIL if she's amenable. I think there is some childhood baggage here when OP says everything was also catered around his needs. She probably needs to let that go. Her brother is married with multiple children whole OP is single with one child, so she'll have to be the more flexible one, but it can be done with some effort. I hope OP is not treating this as referendum on how valued she is in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

Luckily for your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If OP is a single mom with a small kid...why does she think anyone is interested in hanging out with her, least of all her grown-ass-married-with-children brother?

What a cruel, cynical thing to say. And do you really think men can’t enjoy hanging out with their sisters simply because they’re men?

Once or twice a year? Sure. Every weekend? No.

The brother already has his own family. He does not want to be a babysitter or a father figure for someone else's toddler on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this a lot. You simply want a closer relationship than he wants. He values your relationship but simply doesn’t want the level of closeness and frequency of visits that you do.

Do not write to him! That is completely crazy and will make him pull back more.

From what OP describes, he's not making an active choice. He just sounds lazy. If they lived next door he'd probably see her all the time. Hes just not going to make arrangements and plans. Op needs to take a bigger role in that, with SIL if she's amenable. I think there is some childhood baggage here when OP says everything was also catered around his needs. She probably needs to let that go. Her brother is married with multiple children whole OP is single with one child, so she'll have to be the more flexible one, but it can be done with some effort. I hope OP is not treating this as referendum on how valued she is in the family.

If she starts the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" mess that will cause her brother to run away even more. No one wants to hear a lecture from a sibling on their skewed perspective on what happened 20 to 30 years ago, especially once that sibling has done big grown things like have a whole entire baby. Take care of your kid and leave childish things behind.