Group chats- advice for a 5th grade parent?

[Anonymous]

My kids have Apple Watches, because I didn’t want them taking pictures of other kids and posting. They can still participate in the group chats. I can read them.

They also go to sleep away camps that they love. It seems like the only place to have old-fashioned, screen free social experiences these days.

[Anonymous]

My 5th grader has no means of texting other kids and he is not the only one. He has a watch that can only text us. For middle school we will probably get an apple watch. He is not particularly responsible which is the reason he doesnt have one now.
He is able to ride his bike and meet kids in the neighborhood. He sees friends almost every day.
I am simply not willing to open that can of worms. Too many kids i know have had crises about things they saw on their phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Giving in on an iPad instead of a phone is pointless. None of them make phone calls and a tablet is arguably worse for avoiding things like youtube because of the bigger screen. The only thing it does is prevent people from being able to text an Android.

Lol. Wrong on both counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have always said that we would resist phones/group chats (like on an iPad) for as long as possible after seeing DD’s friends’ older siblings deal with tween group text drama.

But now I’m sort of at a crossroads and wondering how to balance sustaining friendships vs. avoiding the pull of group texts, the need to check them all of the time, and the potential drama.

DD is switching schools this year as are many of her old friends, so already they are struggling to keep in touch. She has a landline but her friends are reluctant to call and some don’t have access to a phone at their house. There are a lot of texts between the girls on parents’ phones, which is fine but also kind of annoying. Meanwhile she just switched teams for her swim club at the start of the summer and is in a mixed aged workout group with girls in 5th-7th grade, but with the majority in 6th and 7th. They are together 4x/week so this is a huge part of her life. She says everyone is on a group text save for one other girl in a group of 12, and they send silly selfies and things and talk about it before and after practice and she’s left out. Some of the girls have phones and others use watches or iPads.

I can see that her social life is on a collision course with the rules we’ve laid out. On one hand, DD says she knows that group texts would be annoying and she’d feel like she had to check it all of the time. On the other hand, she’s making two big transitions this year and I do want her to be able to keep old friends and make new ones, and I don’t want to ignore the fact that this is a way that kids socialize. At her age I definitely was starting to talk on the phone with friends and we all lived close enough to see each other frequently.

Any advice?

OP, kids change schools and friends, that is a part of life. Her friends can call her on the landline if they want to keep in touch. Fifth grade is too young for a phone, I know some people do it but I hear more negative stories then I do positive stories. Bullying in chats. Racist langauge in chats. Kids taking pictures of other kids in the bathroom and sharing them in chats.

I understand the desire to find a way to help kids stay in touch with friends but she will make new firends. Her old friends have a method to reach out, they will use it, or she will call them if they really want to stay in touch. If none of them can bother to use the tech at their hands, then they are less invested then you think. Kids have moved and changed teams and done all of those things for ages. The vast majority have made new friends at their new schools and on their new teams. The sadness at moving and discomfort of starting over is temporary. The damage being done by social media, texting issues, and the like is proving to be long term.

DS is in 8th grade, he has an Apple watch. Half his friends have phones, and we watch those kids walking down the street staring at their phone. Or picking up the phone as soon as they finish practice or hanging out whenever it beeps. Some of his friends are in the group chat on iPads and parents have had to email other parents because of racist language an inappropriate conversation. These are not kids being raised by racists or homophobes, they are repeating crap that they hear at school. One kid defended using the N word because "he had a pass from a class mate so he was allowed to use it."

They are young, with poor impulse control, influenced by their peers, and being given a device that allows them to blast out and post poor choices that can hurt other people and their futures.

We do check in with DS to see if he feels like he needs a phone and he has said no. I have asked about missing events or hanging out and he has said it isn't an issue. Maybe it is a boy/girl thing. Maybe it is my kids personality. He is active, has a good number of friends, and doing well in school. But I would avoid the phone for as long as you can. I understand that it seems a simple solution to a multitude of changes but I have yet to read a study that says early introduction of a phone is good for a kid.

[Anonymous]

The folks on here telling you not to allow a 5th grader a way to text friends going to a different school that she would like to keep in touch with are ridiculous and overreacting. This is not social media, people! Texting friends is not linked to depression! It will take A LOT of work to otherwise keep up those friendships, and OP really is right that those friendships will fizzle without it. Particularly because they other girls will all be on a chat together. I mean, come on, the PP above is suggesting they can call each other on LANDLINES??

Use a family ipad and get her an apple id/email. Don't do a phone yet. At least 2/3 of the kids on group chats in 5th grade are using apple ids.

You can monitor and limit when and how much she can text. You can also limit what type/which group chats she joins. If you want, limit it to just small groups of her actual friends, rather than the big like "5th Grade Chat" or "5th Grade Girls Chat" or whatever. (The problems arise more in those types.) You can tell her that you can read the chats...monitor for anything problematic, and have actual discussions about it.

In middle school a kid without a way to text her friends will be left out -- or have to work extra extra extra hard socially. Ease in now in late elementary when they are much more open to your limits and oversight, and help them learn the dynamics of texting and group chats. This is how people communicate now -- again, we are not talking about social media or anything.

[Anonymous]

My 6th grade DD is on three group chats - one for her "school besties", one for her soccer team, and one for her sleepaway camp friends. She uses an iPad (Apple ID). She doesn't find it annoying or feel like she always has to check or participate. She -- and everyone -- checks in whenever. The girls get that. She would be very left out is she were not on those chats.

[Anonymous]

Again, androids work fine with group chats and calls. Obviously not face timing but my son would hate video calls anyway. His pixel works in all communication and many if friends have a androids, Samsung watches, pixel watches, iPads, iPhones or apple watches and it's not a big deal. I swear there must be an apple employee paid to stalk this sub and scare people away from anything not an apple. Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, androids work fine with group chats and calls. Obviously not face timing but my son would hate video calls anyway. His pixel works in all communication and many if friends have a androids, Samsung watches, pixel watches, iPads, iPhones or apple watches and it's not a big deal. I swear there must be an apple employee paid to stalk this sub and scare people away from anything not an apple. Bizarre.

I think you're kind of missing the point. Isn't the pixel a smart phone? So you're suggesting that OP get her kid a smart phone?? OP doesn't want to get her kid a phone yet, so using an ipad + apple ID makes the most sense.

[Anonymous]

No I'm talking about everyone in this chat saying it has to be an apple product to work or they will be outcasts....it's every answer in threads similar. Androids work fine in group chats. Not every answer has to be an apple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The folks on here telling you not to allow a 5th grader a way to text friends going to a different school that she would like to keep in touch with are ridiculous and overreacting. This is not social media, people! Texting friends is not linked to depression! It will take A LOT of work to otherwise keep up those friendships, and OP really is right that those friendships will fizzle without it. Particularly because they other girls will all be on a chat together. I mean, come on, the PP above is suggesting they can call each other on LANDLINES??

Use a family ipad and get her an apple id/email. Don't do a phone yet. At least 2/3 of the kids on group chats in 5th grade are using apple ids.

You can monitor and limit when and how much she can text. You can also limit what type/which group chats she joins. If you want, limit it to just small groups of her actual friends, rather than the big like "5th Grade Chat" or "5th Grade Girls Chat" or whatever. (The problems arise more in those types.) You can tell her that you can read the chats...monitor for anything problematic, and have actual discussions about it.

In middle school a kid without a way to text her friends will be left out -- or have to work extra extra extra hard socially. Ease in now in late elementary when they are much more open to your limits and oversight, and help them learn the dynamics of texting and group chats. This is how people communicate now -- again, we are not talking about social media or anything.

The friendships will also fade out WITH texting because these girls are eventually going to start a group text without OP's DD. This happens All. The. Time. In fact, it's how a lot of text drama starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

I don't think so. But maybe post the question in the electronics forum for good information and also work arounds on the options.

Yes! My son did this for a while using his icloud address on the class group chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5th grader has no means of texting other kids and he is not the only one. He has a watch that can only text us. For middle school we will probably get an apple watch. He is not particularly responsible which is the reason he doesnt have one now.
He is able to ride his bike and meet kids in the neighborhood. He sees friends almost every day.
I am simply not willing to open that can of worms. Too many kids i know have had crises about things they saw on their phones.

We resisted until 9th grade. Very glad we did.

Teenage text-drama is toxic.

And by “toxic,” I mean it quite literally causes mental illness among teens, with anxiety being the most common result. Please don’t do that to your children.

[Anonymous]

From a 5th grade teacher— please please please, if you’re going to allow your child to be in group chats of any kind, frequently read them. Like daily.

No one thinks it’s going to be THEIR child joining the group of kids who is urging another child to commit suicide, or sending/receiving sexually explicit messages, or posting racist memes. Not my sweet, mature, responsible kid. Not at ten years old.

Your sweet responsible kid’s brain is not developed yet, and many of them WILL make terrible choices unsupervised.

When the drama inevitably spills over to school, it is shocking how often a really great kid has been sucked into really awful behavior.
Or has been exposed to something awful by their friends. And that’s just the ones we find out about.

Yes, they need to learn to be responsible digital citizens, but 5th grade is still very very young. They’re just not ready to navigate this stuff without LOTS of scaffolding and support.

I say this as the parent of a 5th grader as well. I understand the difficulty of the social piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks on here telling you not to allow a 5th grader a way to text friends going to a different school that she would like to keep in touch with are ridiculous and overreacting. This is not social media, people! Texting friends is not linked to depression! It will take A LOT of work to otherwise keep up those friendships, and OP really is right that those friendships will fizzle without it. Particularly because they other girls will all be on a chat together. I mean, come on, the PP above is suggesting they can call each other on LANDLINES??

Use a family ipad and get her an apple id/email. Don't do a phone yet. At least 2/3 of the kids on group chats in 5th grade are using apple ids.

You can monitor and limit when and how much she can text. You can also limit what type/which group chats she joins. If you want, limit it to just small groups of her actual friends, rather than the big like "5th Grade Chat" or "5th Grade Girls Chat" or whatever. (The problems arise more in those types.) You can tell her that you can read the chats...monitor for anything problematic, and have actual discussions about it.

In middle school a kid without a way to text her friends will be left out -- or have to work extra extra extra hard socially. Ease in now in late elementary when they are much more open to your limits and oversight, and help them learn the dynamics of texting and group chats. This is how people communicate now -- again, we are not talking about social media or anything.

The friendships will also fade out WITH texting because these girls are eventually going to start a group text without OP's DD. This happens All. The. Time. In fact, it's how a lot of text drama starts.

Eh, OP said that many of the girls are switching schools this year -- so it sounded like they were all scattering, not all going to the same school without her DD.

My girls are older teens and it's so invaluable -- especially for girls -- to have more than one group of friends. Truly, it's so important. Of course they will become less close and less active as a friend group than school friends, but I would not thwart their attempt to maintain their friendship.

Just monitor the chat. If it goes south, you can re-evaluate.

[Anonymous]

My older used the Google Voice app on a tablet (that stayed in common area) until eighth grade. It served the need for chatting outside of school and making plans. Now that kid is in hs and has a phone, and even with restrictions, the addiction happens quickly. I would hold off as long as possible.