Group chats- advice for a 5th grade parent?

[Anonymous]

We have always said that we would resist phones/group chats (like on an iPad) for as long as possible after seeing DD’s friends’ older siblings deal with tween group text drama.

But now I’m sort of at a crossroads and wondering how to balance sustaining friendships vs. avoiding the pull of group texts, the need to check them all of the time, and the potential drama.

DD is switching schools this year as are many of her old friends, so already they are struggling to keep in touch. She has a landline but her friends are reluctant to call and some don’t have access to a phone at their house. There are a lot of texts between the girls on parents’ phones, which is fine but also kind of annoying. Meanwhile she just switched teams for her swim club at the start of the summer and is in a mixed aged workout group with girls in 5th-7th grade, but with the majority in 6th and 7th. They are together 4x/week so this is a huge part of her life. She says everyone is on a group text save for one other girl in a group of 12, and they send silly selfies and things and talk about it before and after practice and she’s left out. Some of the girls have phones and others use watches or iPads.

I can see that her social life is on a collision course with the rules we’ve laid out. On one hand, DD says she knows that group texts would be annoying and she’d feel like she had to check it all of the time. On the other hand, she’s making two big transitions this year and I do want her to be able to keep old friends and make new ones, and I don’t want to ignore the fact that this is a way that kids socialize. At her age I definitely was starting to talk on the phone with friends and we all lived close enough to see each other frequently.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I think not talking about silly selfies already increases her intelligence. She doesn’t need to waste time on that nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you understand the consequences of your options. If you don't allow some sort of electronic device, particularly an apple one, she will be left out. And, she will know and she will feel it. And, it won't just be on texts and group chats. But, she won't get included in activities because they are planned on texts and group chats. OTOH, if you give her a phone, you will have to monitor it and teach her how to use it in accordance with your values.

Personally, I opted for the phone. You gotta work with your kids at some point to navigate use of electronics and managing drama so you might as well do it at the point where it is necessary to avoid the adverse consequences on their relationships and social lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you understand the consequences of your options. If you don't allow some sort of electronic device, particularly an apple one, she will be left out. And, she will know and she will feel it. And, it won't just be on texts and group chats. But, she won't get included in activities because they are planned on texts and group chats. OTOH, if you give her a phone, you will have to monitor it and teach her how to use it in accordance with your values.

Personally, I opted for the phone. You gotta work with your kids at some point to navigate use of electronics and managing drama so you might as well do it at the point where it is necessary to avoid the adverse consequences on their relationships and social lives.

Omg, does an Apple marketing dept employee shill-post here??? Nobody's social life died because they didn't have an iPhone. Let me tell you the secret about popular kids: they will still be popular even if they communicate by carrier pigeon. It's not the brand of phone they have or the brand of athleisure they wear, it's how they command attention.

[Anonymous]

Let her join on an account you can access to monitor.

Teach her to not engage in bad conversations, and to make good conversations.

[Anonymous]

OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you understand the consequences of your options. If you don't allow some sort of electronic device, particularly an apple one, she will be left out. And, she will know and she will feel it. And, it won't just be on texts and group chats. But, she won't get included in activities because they are planned on texts and group chats. OTOH, if you give her a phone, you will have to monitor it and teach her how to use it in accordance with your values.

Personally, I opted for the phone. You gotta work with your kids at some point to navigate use of electronics and managing drama so you might as well do it at the point where it is necessary to avoid the adverse consequences on their relationships and social lives.

Omg, does an Apple marketing dept employee shill-post here??? Nobody's social life died because they didn't have an iPhone. Let me tell you the secret about popular kids: they will still be popular even if they communicate by carrier pigeon. It's not the brand of phone they have or the brand of athleisure they wear, it's how they command attention.

OP and good lord, this isn’t about popularity. This is about kids who don’t go to the same schools, don’t live in the same neighborhoods, and want to talk to each other and keep in touch. A bunch of tween girls who spend most of their time swimming are definitely not chasing popularity. I’m trying to figure out a reasonable substitute for the landline and doorbells and bikes that I grew up with. You’re not adding anything helpful to this thread.

[Anonymous]

There are phonesthat specialize in not having social media account.

You can Google it and do the research.

Or you can get our phone and lockdown what apps she can download

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

I don't think so. But maybe post the question in the electronics forum for good information and also work arounds on the options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are phonesthat specialize in not having social media account.

You can Google it and do the research.

Or you can get our phone and lockdown what apps she can download

Yes I understand that. I’m specifically asking about parents who decided to allow group texting or texts in some form, at what age they did it, what their reasons were for it, and what boundaries they put around it (family expectations, not technical limitations).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you understand the consequences of your options. If you don't allow some sort of electronic device, particularly an apple one, she will be left out. And, she will know and she will feel it. And, it won't just be on texts and group chats. But, she won't get included in activities because they are planned on texts and group chats. OTOH, if you give her a phone, you will have to monitor it and teach her how to use it in accordance with your values.

Personally, I opted for the phone. You gotta work with your kids at some point to navigate use of electronics and managing drama so you might as well do it at the point where it is necessary to avoid the adverse consequences on their relationships and social lives.

This is great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, my kid does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, my kid does this.

Thank you for responding! It looks normal and your kid can see everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

[Anonymous]

Remember its not all or nothing. You can get an ipad or phone and that doesn't mean they have the ability to use every app every possible way. We did an ipad/apple watch at this age and have no regrets. Your kid will be left out if they are not on the group chats. There's no way around it. Some parents don't care - you have to decide. My kid has rarely been sucked into the group chat drama but its clear other kids struggle more. You need to monitor and teach them what is appropriate. Have good rules and expectations from the start. And yes it should be an apple product.