Group chats- advice for a 5th grade parent?

[Anonymous]

Our kid is allowed in groupchats, and we just read them for the first 18 months or so... when he was in one that got out-of-hand (constant praise for Andrew Tate, discussions on how to make a swastika emoji, sharing screenshots of obscene conversations with a 4th grade girl) we talked about the consequences of being involved and he made the decision to leave the chat on his own. We monitored other chats and have gradually laid off the constant monitoring, but let him know we might check at any point—and warned him other kids parents might be reading as well.

[Anonymous]

My kid used an iPad for messaging and group chats, and it was fine. We had limits on how much time she could spend on the messaging app (still do, now that she's got a phone.)

It's always been hard for me to figure out what's the 'right' amount of texting/social media time my kids should have. On one hand, they're immersed in their phones when they're doing it, but when they tell me what they've been doing, it's often pretty funny or interesting or purposeful and not that different than the ways I reach out to friends to vent or share something silly. I used to spend lots of the evening on the phone with my friends, starting in middle school. This is just on a screen, which I don't like, but maybe that's me.

Not trying to make this about me here--just sharing my thought process for how my bias against screen-based things gets in the way of my recognizing that my kids are doing basically what I did, and I studied hard and turned out fine and don't have trouble distingiushing life from afar with life up close.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM. No phone for my 12 year old yet but she does have access to an iPad for group chats etc. I don’t care how long she is on screens in the summer bc it gives me peace.

[Anonymous]

8th grade is when we allowed a device, because they had already learned how to navigate the toxic social dynamics of 7th and 6th grade. 5th grade is too young, and without exception, the most problematic kids in middle school have been the ones whose parents gave them devices in elementary.

[Anonymous]

My daughter got my old apple phone at the end of her 5th grade year, much earlier than I anticipated and even earlier than my older child. I've made peace with the idea that this is how kids communicate. We went with the Apple option because of the ability to lock down and/or limit apps. Overnight the phone charges in our family room and my daughter knows that I have the capacity to see everything that is viewed, texted, etc. even should something be deleted. It's worked out very well so far. One of the best things to come out of it is our family chat thread. A close second is all the conversations we've had about chats with her friends, how some friends talk online, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes. This is what we will do for our son who is the same age. I think it can be buggy with android friends though

[Anonymous]

We have iPads but no iPhones, android only and have zero issues with kids being left off chats with Androids. Not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Our 13 year old got her iPhone in the middle of 7th grade. DH works in cyber so things are locked down pretty well. What we did:

-Access to text, phone, FaceTime, camera
-No internet browser
-No social media
-Downtime from 8pm to 7am
-Phone does not go into her bedroom
-She can only add contacts who have a mutual contact with her, otherwise DH or I add them

We monitor text threads as needed. She often shows us stuff if she has a specific concern. With a fifth grader, I'd keep a close eye on group chats and be transparent with your daughter about that. We allow our DD some privacy, but are clear about limits, e.g., imminent concern about someone's safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Then do that. It seems like the perfect solution. My kids got phones in 5th grade, only because we got new phones and they got our old ones. We had them locked down for wifi only, limited apps, they didn’t leave the house and they could only use them in common areas for certain times of the day. An iPad would have had a lot more options. We slowly gave them more as they got older.

Now they are teens with unlimited access. Our oldest is about to be 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Giving in on an iPad instead of a phone is pointless. None of them make phone calls and a tablet is arguably worse for avoiding things like youtube because of the bigger screen. The only thing it does is prevent people from being able to text an Android.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you understand the consequences of your options. If you don't allow some sort of electronic device, particularly an apple one, she will be left out. And, she will know and she will feel it. And, it won't just be on texts and group chats. But, she won't get included in activities because they are planned on texts and group chats. OTOH, if you give her a phone, you will have to monitor it and teach her how to use it in accordance with your values.

Personally, I opted for the phone. You gotta work with your kids at some point to navigate use of electronics and managing drama so you might as well do it at the point where it is necessary to avoid the adverse consequences on their relationships and social lives.

Omg, does an Apple marketing dept employee shill-post here??? Nobody's social life died because they didn't have an iPhone. Let me tell you the secret about popular kids: they will still be popular even if they communicate by carrier pigeon. It's not the brand of phone they have or the brand of athleisure they wear, it's how they command attention.

For kids that do not have phones but have an Apple Watch or iPad, having an Apple product absolutely impacts their ability to communicate. They can't join iMessage chats - so if only one or two kids have an Android, they are left out. It's real.

Not really the case any more (or ever really), but I could see kids not knowing how to properly set it up. Parents, you absolutely don't need to pay the apple tax, just help them get up and running.

Yeah. I’m not tech savvy. But I do know for certain my teens’ have friends with androids and they absolutely are in group chats. I also know that if an android device starts a group chat and you have an apple device, you cannot leave the chat. You can only silence it. OP, I feel for you. Group chats are a huge distraction. I would have bought a 5th grader an iPhone. That is bananas and I wouldn’t care if “everyone else” has one. They don’t, there are still many sane parents out there.

[Anonymous]

Listen to the episode of the Ask Lisa podcast about phones. She says you should absolutely worry about social exclusion. I’d say get your kid an Apple Watch or dumb phone so she can text

[Anonymous]

Having a means to text on occasion may be helpful and is a great opportunity to use the group chat activity as learning opportunities.

If you keep the lines of communication open and set broad-based guardrails (ie reserve the right to monitor, expect the child not to post photos or videos, set parameters around access, suggest they do not post anything you would not want Grandma to see, recognise anything that is written is no longer private once one hits send etc) , your child will likely share what is going on and you can talk about what types of behaviors you consider healthy vs unhealthy from your perspective.

We had great conversations about girls mimicing influencers, how algorithms work, who profits off girls' activities online and other topics because she had access when younger.

The reality is that there are all sorts of workarounds that they can figure out if motivated and so you have to educate them and expand privileges as your child demonstrates increased responsibility with the tech privileges you choose to give them. If they abuse the privilege, they need consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

I don't think so. But maybe post the question in the electronics forum for good information and also work arounds on the options.

The kid by us use iPads for group chats. We have not let our kid join and it so far has not impacted their social life. 6th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Giving in on an iPad instead of a phone is pointless. None of them make phone calls and a tablet is arguably worse for avoiding things like youtube because of the bigger screen. The only thing it does is prevent people from being able to text an Android.

OP and coming back to this thread to explain the iPad reasoning. We travel a lot and download movies for all of us to watch together on the iPad, plus drawing apps. Our ancient family iPad no longer holds a charge, so we needed a new one anyway. Otherwise DD doesn’t use the iPad and isn’t into games or apps- Covid virtual kindergarteners went to either extreme and she landed on the “no screens ever again” end.