Siblings with mental health, addiction, and personal issues

[Anonymous]

My grandfather, father, and brother all have bipolar disorder. My grandfather and father both self-medicated with alcohol and were very emotionally and physically violent people who did tremendous amounts of damage to our families which everyone is still feeling the effects of today even though they're both gone.

My brother has destroyed vehicles, stolen money, threatened people, and has been placed in involuntary inpatient treatment multiple times. My mother has had to call the police on him for her own safety. When he's stable and taking his medication, he's a very self-centered person. It's hard to say how much of that is the disorder and how much of it is just him.

Everyone judging people for limiting contact with mentally ill and substance addicted family members needs to understand that these people have the capacity to ruin lives and families if they're allowed to. You can have compassion for family members struggling with mental illness and addiction but that doesn't mean that you have to let them destroy your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

My husband would have driven her home. Just try to learn how to be more generous with family members who are less fortunate than you. It’s worth it.

I tried for *years* to be "more generous" with my sister. So did my husband. I'm not going to insist he drive them home after he also spent the entire day hosting and cleaning up after Thanksgiving. Not after she's blown us off more times than I can count for Christmas, Easter, kids' birthdays, sent me angry drunken screeds telling me what a sh*tty sister and parent I am, and, the icing on the cake, withheld from us information about her partner to the point where she endangered our children. She is lucky I haven't cut her off completely.

Just try to be more humble that you don't know everything about a situation, so you don't come off like a sanctimonious jackass. It's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

My husband would have driven her home. Just try to learn how to be more generous with family members who are less fortunate than you. It’s worth it.

DP.

No. The poster offered money for a ride share. Obvs, sibling wanted to make the hosts drive them 80 miles round trip. Why can't sibling take the offered money and use it for a ride share? Instead, they want to be a victim because they are not getting their way.

We have a personality disordered relative. BIL gave her his old car. Soon, she had trashed it. That meant she had no way to get to holiday dinner. She wanted BIL or my spouse to drive her in the snowstorm an hour each way. That is putting my spouse at risk.

You have to say no to these people. They don't care if they hurt you and they do not have compassion for you. They need to get their mental illness sorted. If they don't, that's not my problem.

This relative of ours also stole two items (caught both times). Since I already have two personality disordered people in my family, I did not have room to deal with a third.

Signed,
Someone who has dealt with abuse/screaming/disparagement from two personality disordered relatives

Thanks for sticking up for me, PP. My sister also has a personality disorder, in addition to alcohol addiction, so I get it. I know you do, too, and I appreciate you. Solidarity.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to rehab after age 25 you are a loser and should be cut off

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom you can't make it when everyone else is coming. Plan a different time when it can be just you and your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather, father, and brother all have bipolar disorder. My grandfather and father both self-medicated with alcohol and were very emotionally and physically violent people who did tremendous amounts of damage to our families which everyone is still feeling the effects of today even though they're both gone.

My brother has destroyed vehicles, stolen money, threatened people, and has been placed in involuntary inpatient treatment multiple times. My mother has had to call the police on him for her own safety. When he's stable and taking his medication, he's a very self-centered person. It's hard to say how much of that is the disorder and how much of it is just him.

Everyone judging people for limiting contact with mentally ill and substance addicted family members needs to understand that these people have the capacity to ruin lives and families if they're allowed to. You can have compassion for family members struggling with mental illness and addiction but that doesn't mean that you have to let them destroy your life.

Amen to the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please remember any sibling with mental illness is not an anolomoy. They simply exhibit the symptoms of the entire family's dysfunction and/or genetic predispition.

Those of you who feel such distain, and nothing like that, should look at themselves more closely.

Be grateful it is your sibling carrying the weight of the family's genetic burden and dysfunction.

Scoff too much and a similar situation may crop up with your children.

It's bad karma to shout about your superiority compared to a sick sibling. They didn't do this on purpose

Please, have some compassion.

Surprised no one has commented on my post. Perhaps this is already understood. Cutting ties and enforcing boundaries should be done with this in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

I am the poster who asked the when/what tell question not for anyone to do anything differently but bc genuinely wanted advice on what has worked best. It is a hard path when want to protect own kids. Even harder if family cannot agree on how will handle things and worse yet if anyone enabling. Thanks for sharing what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

I am the poster who asked the when/what tell question not for anyone to do anything differently but bc genuinely wanted advice on what has worked best. It is a hard path when want to protect own kids. Even harder if family cannot agree on how will handle things and worse yet if anyone enabling. Thanks for sharing what you did.

You're welcome, PP. I agree, it's not an easy situation and there's so little guidance on how to proceed. Generally with kids, experts recommend providing age-appropriate versions of the truth for difficult situations, so I tried to follow that guidance. Our kids are old enough that we've talked about alcohol and addiction more broadly.

I'm not sure how relevant it is, but The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey is well-regarded in providing information on how addiction develops and best strategies for reducing risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

I am the poster who asked the when/what tell question not for anyone to do anything differently but bc genuinely wanted advice on what has worked best. It is a hard path when want to protect own kids. Even harder if family cannot agree on how will handle things and worse yet if anyone enabling. Thanks for sharing what you did.

You're welcome, PP. I agree, it's not an easy situation and there's so little guidance on how to proceed. Generally with kids, experts recommend providing age-appropriate versions of the truth for difficult situations, so I tried to follow that guidance. Our kids are old enough that we've talked about alcohol and addiction more broadly.

I'm not sure how relevant it is, but The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey is well-regarded in providing information on how addiction develops and best strategies for reducing risk.

Thanks. Looks helpful reading.

[Anonymous]

always difficult but some siblings do take actions that should force distance to not enable or endanger rest of family (when they encourage others to also go off meds or to take drugs with them). often the sibling doesn’t even register how their actions impact others or vice versa- so just is what is, but other family members can definitely make it harder if don’t do distance or guilt trip those that do as then often have to choose between distancing at all or distancing sibling AND the other family members that enable