Siblings with mental health, addiction, and personal issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

[Anonymous]

Do not go. Go somewhere else that will be enjoyable for your family. This dysfunctional drama will never end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm unclear on what your visit plans originally were. But I think you have every right to refuse to visit the rehab and to participate in that process. You have to focus on yourself and your kids.

Our original visit plans were a casual visit -- we were going to rent an AirBnB near my parents and planning a few big family meals at their house so kids could play and adults could visit, play games, etc. They all live in an outdoorsy place so my family would probably try to do some hiking or other outdoor activities, though most of my family is not particularly outdoorsy so probably wouldn't join us. The main goal of the trip, though, was just seeing and visiting with family.

However, due to what is currently going on, I suspect there will not be any casual, relaxed family dinners, but tense conversations about how to handle my brother's relapse and how my other siblings and my parents are feeling about it. My kids might still get to play with cousins but also my experience is that even this might be curtailed, as my other siblings may not bring kids to family gatherings with this stuff going on.

I don't think anyone will expect me to go to the rehab facility or participate in therapy or anything. I just don't think it's going to be a fun visit and will instead be stressful and difficult but not necessarily helpful for anyone. Our last visit was like that as well -- planned as a vacation but then two of my siblings were feuding and not speaking, one sibling was not speaking to our parents, and one sibling was in the midst of splitting up with his wife. It wound up being a very stressful trip for all involved. I don't want a repeat of it. The trip winds up being expensive for us -- plane tickets, car rental, house rental in a place with really expensive accommodations in the summer. Plus the vacation time. I don't want to spend it having tense conversation with my family.

Not going is understandable, but I do wonder if you can offer to be the person that takes the kids, all of them, while these conversations happen. You're staying in separate accommodation which is good. Are there places where you can take day trips or do things that aren't your family's house? Can you bring the cousins out for the hikes and adventures? It seems to me there is a possibility to reframe these visits so it's more about the activities than the family. If conversations get tense you can jump up and take all the kids for ice cream, etc

[Anonymous]

Low to no contact.

If you're struggling with how to manage -- consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

I have zero relationship with two brothers. One is severely mentally ill and we don’t know if he’s alive or dead after a decade on the streets. The other can’t stay out of trouble with the law.

I have to protect myself from the stress and chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have dysfunctional family members. Once I had children, I cut them out of my life for good. I refuse to allow my children to feel as though dysfunction, alcoholism, abuse, etc are normalized.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have dysfunctional family members. Once I had children, I cut them out of my life for good. I refuse to allow my children to feel as though dysfunction, alcoholism, abuse, etc are normalized.

NP, I disagree. I think those relatives are a good warning to your children. As long as you have string boundaries.

My grandparents had massive life-long disabilities from smoking. You better believe I was never tempted to smoke.

My Uncle was in and out of rehab. I didn't see the gore of that situation although I saw my cousin in the middle or bottom of her addition journey too. In both cases, I expressed 100% support for their sober journey ans seeing them when they were sober.

Great thread OP, thanks.

Agree with much of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother had undiagnosed bipolar for many years. It caused a lot of trauma. My parents both died without seeing him get better. He had psychotic episodes. It was really bad— lost a ton of money, and was living off of them. Constantly blamed his problems on me and tried to turn my kids against me. Now, suddenly, he has become aware of his condition and has gone to a psychiatrist and is taking medication! Never thought I’d see the day. He used to be unaware of his issues. I’m happy/relieved, but also wary. I don’t want to bring my family down with his drama. We won’t visit for some time until he is stabilized… he has a lot of s—t to clean up, and has drained most of his money. Fortunately he never married not had children.

Wow. How old is your brother? That sounds rough for everyone!

[Anonymous]

OP, meet in a neutral location. Somewhere else or vacation. Your parents will have to travel. And there is no discussion re: the troubled sibling. Talk is of other things

[Anonymous]

IF they aren't actively trying to seek help, and you have tried to facilitate it but they keep doing what they want to do, mainitaining distance is understandable.

My sister refuses to get real help but just wants us to keep supporting her bad decisions as she portrays a fake life on social media

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

What is your role in this estrangement? Why did your siblings decide to keep their distance?

Well, I have always been the Problem in my immediate family and nobody cared about my mental illness beyond whether or not I was well behaved, so that's how my brother views me. That's how he talked about me to the girlfriend who became his wife, and she's very much a "Stand By My Man" kind of woman, plus I'm poor and she's very rich so she thinks I'm classless and tacky. Oh plus I'm fat and have horrible skin and hair so she views me as ugly and messy. One time we went for a walk through a city and then sat to eat pizza outside, and my frizzy hair was frizzing as it does and messy, and my brother was all "Are you okay, you seem to not be taking care of yourself?" because the wind and sweating made my hair look extra awful. One time when my niece was an infant and I was over visiting she asked my brother if he smelled something. They made a big production of agreeing they smelled something awful, checked her diaper and determined it wasn't her and then stood silently staring at me. My brother has taught his kids to make fun of how I sneeze (it's a totally normal sneeze). I could go on and on.

What is your actual mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also cut off my brother once I had kids because his mental illness and alcoholism were too violent and unpredictable to be around, and also because the mental energy involved in being in this orbit was very, very draining -- his "crisis" became the only thing my parents could focus on for two decades.

I have no regrets because my kids have had a peaceful, happy childhood and we can all thrive. sadly, my brother passed away from liver failure. I deeply wish his life had gone differently, but I don't see how I could have stayed in his orbit safely. no regrets, lots of sadness.

This is sort of my situation as well, although my brother is still alive and I haven't cut him off completely. We see him on holidays with extended family, although he didn't show for Thanksgiving last year. My kids are old enough now to see that he is unreliable (may or may not show up, will likely be late, won't stay long, etc.). My elderly parents are still very focused on his "crisis" and have been for at least a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

What is your role in this estrangement? Why did your siblings decide to keep their distance?

Well, I have always been the Problem in my immediate family and nobody cared about my mental illness beyond whether or not I was well behaved, so that's how my brother views me. That's how he talked about me to the girlfriend who became his wife, and she's very much a "Stand By My Man" kind of woman, plus I'm poor and she's very rich so she thinks I'm classless and tacky. Oh plus I'm fat and have horrible skin and hair so she views me as ugly and messy. One time we went for a walk through a city and then sat to eat pizza outside, and my frizzy hair was frizzing as it does and messy, and my brother was all "Are you okay, you seem to not be taking care of yourself?" because the wind and sweating made my hair look extra awful. One time when my niece was an infant and I was over visiting she asked my brother if he smelled something. They made a big production of agreeing they smelled something awful, checked her diaper and determined it wasn't her and then stood silently staring at me. My brother has taught his kids to make fun of how I sneeze (it's a totally normal sneeze). I could go on and on.

What is your actual mental illness?

I have untreated ADHD and wasn't told until I was graduating from HS that I was diagnosed as depressed (also untreated). THen at 19 I found out I have a bunch of severe learning disabilities. As if that's not enough, I wouldn't be surprised if I was on the autism spectrum (probably what used to be called Aspergers). So in sum, I have a bunch of things, none of which are treated at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

What is your role in this estrangement? Why did your siblings decide to keep their distance?

Well, I have always been the Problem in my immediate family and nobody cared about my mental illness beyond whether or not I was well behaved, so that's how my brother views me. That's how he talked about me to the girlfriend who became his wife, and she's very much a "Stand By My Man" kind of woman, plus I'm poor and she's very rich so she thinks I'm classless and tacky. Oh plus I'm fat and have horrible skin and hair so she views me as ugly and messy. One time we went for a walk through a city and then sat to eat pizza outside, and my frizzy hair was frizzing as it does and messy, and my brother was all "Are you okay, you seem to not be taking care of yourself?" because the wind and sweating made my hair look extra awful. One time when my niece was an infant and I was over visiting she asked my brother if he smelled something. They made a big production of agreeing they smelled something awful, checked her diaper and determined it wasn't her and then stood silently staring at me. My brother has taught his kids to make fun of how I sneeze (it's a totally normal sneeze). I could go on and on.

What is your actual mental illness?

I have untreated ADHD and wasn't told until I was graduating from HS that I was diagnosed as depressed (also untreated). THen at 19 I found out I have a bunch of severe learning disabilities. As if that's not enough, I wouldn't be surprised if I was on the autism spectrum (probably what used to be called Aspergers). So in sum, I have a bunch of things, none of which are treated at all.

Maybe you can find other kids to enjoy and help. I would try to have fun with your niece and nephew when you can but find a way to fill the void that you feel is left without being around them.