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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed? [/quote]

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t.  I would love to have a functional sibling.  Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them.  She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have.  If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice.  You don’t have to live my life.[/quote]

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?[/quote]

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder).  She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again.  She asked why she's there so often and I told her.  Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family.  For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year.  Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore.  Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away.  I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us.  I even offered to contribute towards a ride share.  She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances.  What do you propose I do differently?[/quote]

I am the poster who asked the when/what tell question not for anyone to do anything differently but bc genuinely wanted advice on what has worked best. It is a hard path when want to protect own kids. Even harder if family cannot agree on how will handle things and worse yet if anyone enabling. Thanks for sharing what you did.[/quote]

You're welcome, PP.  I agree, it's not an easy situation and there's so little guidance on how to proceed.  Generally with kids, experts recommend providing age-appropriate versions of the truth for difficult situations, so I tried to follow that guidance.  Our kids are old enough that we've talked about alcohol and addiction more broadly.

I'm not sure how relevant it is, but The Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey is well-regarded in providing information on how addiction develops and best strategies for reducing risk.[/quote]

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