Siblings with mental health, addiction, and personal issues

[Anonymous]

If your siblings have these kinds of issues, and lots of dysfunction (rehab, divorce, custody issues with kids, serious mental health diagnoses, etc.) how do you handle your relationship with them?

I love my siblings. I only want good things for them. I wish things were better. But they are adults and I can't fix their problems for them. I increasingly want to protect my peace, and my kids' peace. Is that selfish?

I just found out one of my siblings re-entered rehab this week. We were supposed to visit next month. My mom is still saying "please come!" but I've been through this before and I know they will want to have a bunch of family meetings where many people are angry to be participating, my mom cries and feels guilty, my dad gets angry, and nothing is really resolved or addressed. I can't do it. This was supposed to be a family vacation where my kids got to spend time with cousins, we did some fun summer activities and made some family memories. That's it.

Do I cancel? Am I ever going to have a normal relationship with them? Or is it just always going to be like this?

Would love to hear how others who have these family dynamics deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I'm unclear on what your visit plans originally were. But I think you have every right to refuse to visit the rehab and to participate in that process. You have to focus on yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I have dysfunctional family members. Once I had children, I cut them out of my life for good. I refuse to allow my children to feel as though dysfunction, alcoholism, abuse, etc are normalized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have dysfunctional family members. Once I had children, I cut them out of my life for good. I refuse to allow my children to feel as though dysfunction, alcoholism, abuse, etc are normalized.

NP, I disagree. I think those relatives are a good warning to your children. As long as you have string boundaries.

My grandparents had massive life-long disabilities from smoking. You better believe I was never tempted to smoke.

My Uncle was in and out of rehab. I didn't see the gore of that situation although I saw my cousin in the middle or bottom of her addition journey too. In both cases, I expressed 100% support for their sober journey ans seeing them when they were sober.

[Anonymous]

My brother had undiagnosed bipolar for many years. It caused a lot of trauma. My parents both died without seeing him get better. He had psychotic episodes. It was really bad— lost a ton of money, and was living off of them. Constantly blamed his problems on me and tried to turn my kids against me. Now, suddenly, he has become aware of his condition and has gone to a psychiatrist and is taking medication! Never thought I’d see the day. He used to be unaware of his issues. I’m happy/relieved, but also wary. I don’t want to bring my family down with his drama. We won’t visit for some time until he is stabilized… he has a lot of s—t to clean up, and has drained most of his money. Fortunately he never married not had children.

[Anonymous]

Pp above— I’ll add that my brother frequently cut me off, but I always had a line open to him. I would tell him he was bipolar and needed help. He went from violently hanging up to staying silent. Then one day, he said he was on his way to a psychiatrist. It literally took him hitting rock bottom. This might happen for your sibling as well. We were once really close, and I hope to become close again, but a lot of damage has been done, so I don’t think I’ll ever trust him fully.

[Anonymous]

My father died of alcohol related disease. My brother died of a drug overdose after stints in and out of rehab. My cousins have substance abuse issues. My other brother is currently sober. My son is bipolar and currently stable because he’s taking his meds. It’s all around.

I love my family. I don’t avoid them. I did t encourage my kids to avoid it. Sometimes it exhausts me but I love them. I miss my brother more than I could have imagined. I encourage my kids to support their brother and facilitate a good relationship. It works for me but I have no expectations and I have long accepted my situation. And they don’t make me miserable.

[Anonymous]

I also cut off my brother once I had kids because his mental illness and alcoholism were too violent and unpredictable to be around, and also because the mental energy involved in being in this orbit was very, very draining -- his "crisis" became the only thing my parents could focus on for two decades.

I have no regrets because my kids have had a peaceful, happy childhood and we can all thrive. sadly, my brother passed away from liver failure. I deeply wish his life had gone differently, but I don't see how I could have stayed in his orbit safely. no regrets, lots of sadness.

[Anonymous]

I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm unclear on what your visit plans originally were. But I think you have every right to refuse to visit the rehab and to participate in that process. You have to focus on yourself and your kids.

Our original visit plans were a casual visit -- we were going to rent an AirBnB near my parents and planning a few big family meals at their house so kids could play and adults could visit, play games, etc. They all live in an outdoorsy place so my family would probably try to do some hiking or other outdoor activities, though most of my family is not particularly outdoorsy so probably wouldn't join us. The main goal of the trip, though, was just seeing and visiting with family.

However, due to what is currently going on, I suspect there will not be any casual, relaxed family dinners, but tense conversations about how to handle my brother's relapse and how my other siblings and my parents are feeling about it. My kids might still get to play with cousins but also my experience is that even this might be curtailed, as my other siblings may not bring kids to family gatherings with this stuff going on.

I don't think anyone will expect me to go to the rehab facility or participate in therapy or anything. I just don't think it's going to be a fun visit and will instead be stressful and difficult but not necessarily helpful for anyone. Our last visit was like that as well -- planned as a vacation but then two of my siblings were feuding and not speaking, one sibling was not speaking to our parents, and one sibling was in the midst of splitting up with his wife. It wound up being a very stressful trip for all involved. I don't want a repeat of it. The trip winds up being expensive for us -- plane tickets, car rental, house rental in a place with really expensive accommodations in the summer. Plus the vacation time. I don't want to spend it having tense conversation with my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

What is your role in this estrangement? Why did your siblings decide to keep their distance?

[Anonymous]

Op ask yourself what you genuinely want to do. Be honest with yourself. It sounds like you have a sense of dread and don't want to go. So don't go. Find an alternative place to go, or not and let your family know it's just not a good time. This is what setting boundaries looks like. Addiction is very difficult and painful on families in a long term way and it might be helpful to consider getting into your own treatment. How involved you want to be is a choice not a requirement. It might help to talk that out with
someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

What is your role in this estrangement? Why did your siblings decide to keep their distance?

Well, I have always been the Problem in my immediate family and nobody cared about my mental illness beyond whether or not I was well behaved, so that's how my brother views me. That's how he talked about me to the girlfriend who became his wife, and she's very much a "Stand By My Man" kind of woman, plus I'm poor and she's very rich so she thinks I'm classless and tacky. Oh plus I'm fat and have horrible skin and hair so she views me as ugly and messy. One time we went for a walk through a city and then sat to eat pizza outside, and my frizzy hair was frizzing as it does and messy, and my brother was all "Are you okay, you seem to not be taking care of yourself?" because the wind and sweating made my hair look extra awful. One time when my niece was an infant and I was over visiting she asked my brother if he smelled something. They made a big production of agreeing they smelled something awful, checked her diaper and determined it wasn't her and then stood silently staring at me. My brother has taught his kids to make fun of how I sneeze (it's a totally normal sneeze). I could go on and on.

[Anonymous]

What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

It makes you feel superior, and then benevolent in front of others when you deign to engage with them.