Nightmare “new” neighbor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone assuming mental problems where there is no evidence of one.

The more likely explanation is your neighbor has no experience taking care of a "grand dame" of a house, whether he's spent his whole life having things handed to him or he's just never been responsible for property upkeep, and probably doesn't care to live up to your neighborhood's expectations of the house. Single men eat takeout. It's not a symptom of disease.

This. I have relatives that have decent to good jobs and children in private school, but aren’t clean, fastidious people. They have cleaners and yard clean up, and their houses and yards are somehow still a mess. Like bathrooms with empty tampon containers on the floor and full tampon containers on the sink and clutter and papers in the kitchen. Not hoarding level, but just really messy.

They are very busy and don’t have ability to be picking up every mess. Usually this work falls on the woman of the house. If she is working full time she is too tired to have to constantly tidy up after everyone and just gives up. It’s very time consuming to maintain perfect home even for a SAHM with school aged kids. When you get invited to a neat home it’s because it’s been cleaned up before you arrived. Your family or close friends may not care to try to impress you with appearances, so you see their home in its natural state. Even if you have a weekly cleaner your house can get messy every day with people not taking care putting things away, taking trash out or disposing of it properly. I calculated how long it takes to keep a neat kitchen, and it’s at least 1 hour each day.. To clean a messier kitchen after cooking dinner and kids serving themselves and putting all things away, etc. it’s easily 2 hours.

You need FT housekeeper or a live in whose job is to keep things neat daily, that’s what rich people do who live in immaculate homes.

Outdoors is even easier to look messy because of fallout from the trees, rain, debris, dirt. If you don’t have an outdoor cleaner on regular basis it will get messy and unkempt even with monthly lawn care.

This is all just one long rationalization for having a messy house. It is not true that no one has a neat house. We have a cleaner come every two weeks and our house has always been tidy, even when we were both working demanding careers and had small children. There may be other reasons people have messy houses — depression, ADHD, etc— but it is not normal, and stop telling yourself it is.

+1. Three kids under 7, 2 dogs, 2 parents working full time, cleaner every other week and our house is spotless and everything has a place. You just have to commit to doing the work.

Oh look! Superior Susans are chiming in! Try living with slob hoarder husbands or husbands who do absolutely zero at home. Judgy Judy, the single mom of 3 kids, working 80 hour weeks with a perfect home is ready to chime in on a count of 3. DCUM race to the bottom of hardship barrel is on.

I

Buy fewer things, throw out or donate items you don’t use or need, make sure all items have a home. Then when you take things out put them back. Teach your kids to do the same. Help them clean up and praise them when they do it without prompting. Have them bus their own dishes after meals. Cook less elaborate meals. Clutter and mess make things so much harder. You don’t know where anything is and it creates anxiety.

For a spouse who is messy or won’t help at home: Talk to them? At least try to throw things out quarterly and buy as little as you can.

You are missing the point entirely. Advice is cheap. What you say is incredibly cheap. Implementing this is incredibly difficult when you are living with a hoarder. A person who has psychological issues getting rid of stuff and is also lacking social clues about other people being disturbed by their mess while they are totally fine with it. This goes for family and neighbors. A person who is totally find having a messy yard and junk laying around has a very different psychological profile, it’s not always a money issue even. OP is likely dealing with this situation. And because this person is not even a part of your family, you have zero control. Heck, you have very little control in your own household because you are yourself getting mentally drained and it wears you out and makes you indifferent as a survival coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone assuming mental problems where there is no evidence of one.

The more likely explanation is your neighbor has no experience taking care of a "grand dame" of a house, whether he's spent his whole life having things handed to him or he's just never been responsible for property upkeep, and probably doesn't care to live up to your neighborhood's expectations of the house. Single men eat takeout. It's not a symptom of disease.

This. I have relatives that have decent to good jobs and children in private school, but aren’t clean, fastidious people. They have cleaners and yard clean up, and their houses and yards are somehow still a mess. Like bathrooms with empty tampon containers on the floor and full tampon containers on the sink and clutter and papers in the kitchen. Not hoarding level, but just really messy.

They are very busy and don’t have ability to be picking up every mess. Usually this work falls on the woman of the house. If she is working full time she is too tired to have to constantly tidy up after everyone and just gives up. It’s very time consuming to maintain perfect home even for a SAHM with school aged kids. When you get invited to a neat home it’s because it’s been cleaned up before you arrived. Your family or close friends may not care to try to impress you with appearances, so you see their home in its natural state. Even if you have a weekly cleaner your house can get messy every day with people not taking care putting things away, taking trash out or disposing of it properly. I calculated how long it takes to keep a neat kitchen, and it’s at least 1 hour each day.. To clean a messier kitchen after cooking dinner and kids serving themselves and putting all things away, etc. it’s easily 2 hours.

You need FT housekeeper or a live in whose job is to keep things neat daily, that’s what rich people do who live in immaculate homes.

Outdoors is even easier to look messy because of fallout from the trees, rain, debris, dirt. If you don’t have an outdoor cleaner on regular basis it will get messy and unkempt even with monthly lawn care.

This is all just one long rationalization for having a messy house. It is not true that no one has a neat house. We have a cleaner come every two weeks and our house has always been tidy, even when we were both working demanding careers and had small children. There may be other reasons people have messy houses — depression, ADHD, etc— but it is not normal, and stop telling yourself it is.

+1. Three kids under 7, 2 dogs, 2 parents working full time, cleaner every other week and our house is spotless and everything has a place. You just have to commit to doing the work.

Oh look! Superior Susans are chiming in! Try living with slob hoarder husbands or husbands who do absolutely zero at home. Judgy Judy, the single mom of 3 kids, working 80 hour weeks with a perfect home is ready to chime in on a count of 3. DCUM race to the bottom of hardship barrel is on.

I

Buy fewer things, throw out or donate items you don’t use or need, make sure all items have a home. Then when you take things out put them back. Teach your kids to do the same. Help them clean up and praise them when they do it without prompting. Have them bus their own dishes after meals. Cook less elaborate meals. Clutter and mess make things so much harder. You don’t know where anything is and it creates anxiety.

For a spouse who is messy or won’t help at home: Talk to them? At least try to throw things out quarterly and buy as little as you can.

This is really awful advice environmentally.

It cracks me up that the PP above you is saying their house is spotless, when the cleaning lady is there every other weekend. Sounds really difficult! That person didn’t commit to doing the work they claimed, they just hired underpaid laborers to clean up after them and then believe themselves to be commendable!

These responses are to the pp who claimed that "no one" has a tidy house unless company is coming over and "even with a bi-weekly cleaning service" it's impossible to keep a house clean. It cracks me up that people rationalize having a messy house this way. If you can't keep your house neat (with or without a cleaning service), you have too much stuff and/or you're lazy and/or have a mental health condition. It isn't "normal."

[Anonymous]

This is a pretty standard phenomenon, at least with inherited houses. The new generation does not have the will/money/desire to maintain the house properly.

We have two houses on our street where the adult daughters inherited the houses. The daughters do not have the money to keep up the houses, and so the houses look terrible.

I recall an article from the Washington Post from perhaps 10 years ago where there was a dust-up about a house on Klingle Street where the adult son (in his 60's) let his inherited house go into disrepair. The neighbors tried to get the son to at least do basic maintenance on the house. The neighbors tried to use the political and legal system to help, which is why it was covered by the Washington Post. (I wish I could find the article.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a pretty standard phenomenon, at least with inherited houses. The new generation does not have the will/money/desire to maintain the house properly.

We have two houses on our street where the adult daughters inherited the houses. The daughters do not have the money to keep up the houses, and so the houses look terrible.

I recall an article from the Washington Post from perhaps 10 years ago where there was a dust-up about a house on Klingle Street where the adult son (in his 60's) let his inherited house go into disrepair. The neighbors tried to get the son to at least do basic maintenance on the house. The neighbors tried to use the political and legal system to help, which is why it was covered by the Washington Post. (I wish I could find the article.)

In D.C. neighborhood, an epic battle over an eyesore of historical proportions
July 5, 2011

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Considerate and lovely neighbors gave their $3m home to adult child who doesn’t work or care for the house. Seems like the home, which is the grand dame on the block is falling into abject disrepair. Another neighbor said that they have seen rodents, perhaps from trash left (food containers) or dog poop left on the yard.

Someone has spoken to him gently about this. It didn’t go well.

Is there anything the neighbors can do?

Is he married? You could say something to his wife. You could even make a list of vendors you have used for various things (Orkin, etc) and drop it off and say you always do this when neighbors move in and forgot to do it when they moved in? You you keep in touch with the parents you can mention it to them.

I wouldn't assume this guy is married

[Anonymous]

There are 2 beautifully maintained inherited homes on my street. The homes seem well maintained, especially the landscaping.

Op, sorry the adult kid (and whomever he lives with) in your case isn’t a good neighbor. 🍋. You mentioned the neighbor gently talking to him and it not going well? What about his parents? They must know and feel shameful about the situation. Does make me wonder though why they thought he could handle it and like others, whether they are indeed as considerate as you thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 beautifully maintained inherited homes on my street. The homes seem well maintained, especially the landscaping.

Op, sorry the adult kid (and whomever he lives with) in your case isn’t a good neighbor. 🍋. You mentioned the neighbor gently talking to him and it not going well? What about his parents? They must know and feel shameful about the situation. Does make me wonder though why they thought he could handle it and like others, whether they are indeed as considerate as you thought.

I don’t think people always consider what their child can handle when they provide an early inheritance like a home. Often they are attached to the home and may want it to stay in the family. They may also not want to pay transaction costs, fix outdated areas, or have strangers touring and assessing their home. If they were planning on leaving an inheritance anyway then leaving a house and a smaller monetary amount while spending down the monetary amount they would have left for their child had they sold their home may make a lot of sense. It may be about convenience for the parent as much as it is for the sake of the child.