Long term unemployed/slacker husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this is the wife's fault. If you tolerate slacking for very long, you are going to get a slacker. Getting married means becoming the mother of a boy/man - you got to parent the same as you do your kids.

Lol.

As if you can make a 200 pound, 40 yo ManChild not be a slacker.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this is the wife's fault. If you tolerate slacking for very long, you are going to get a slacker. Getting married means becoming the mother of a boy/man - you got to parent the same as you do your kids.

The only reason men contribute is because their wives make them? You should meet some better men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You call him a slacker which means you have little to no respect for him. Is that a recipe for even an ok marriage?

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine got let go from his job in January and has told me he never plans on working another W2 job again. He's 39. I'm torn, because he's not sitting around doing nothing, he's turned his side hustle into a full-time business which is great. I am trying my best to be supportive.

However, the household management load and care of our two young DCs (one with HFA) has never come close to being evenly distributed, even though I've always worked full time. I've had it up to here after many discussions and arguments that go nowhere. And with him not working right now yet still not stepping up more, I am seething with resentment, and it has cause a massive loss of respect.

I am glad he's motivated with his business, but I'm not letting go of the expectation that, for example, I can trust him to watch our 10-month old DD for longer than 15 minutes without being zoned out on Tik Tok and neglecting her.

If he finally steps up in this regard, I'll be OK with him not working a W2. But in our latest discussion today, I did not mince words and said our marriage cannot continue the way it's been, and gently outlined actionable steps I would be taking to stop enabling him. He knows I am dead serious, but complains that I expect too much. God forbid he wash some dishes or clean a bathroom once in a while. I am holding my ground. To be continued...

Good luck. Women need to suss out these deadbeat tendencies BEFORE marriage and kids. The red flags are usually right there.

+1000

Especially these heredity ones.

Definitely spend more time with his parents understanding exact roles and responsibilities during the 20 years of child raising. And current ones.
Don’t assume anything from vague high level answers or observations

[Anonymous]

My FIL was bragging about how he gets all the groceries all the time and did the meal planning, some grilling, yada yada.

Yep, nope.

He only stopped by after work to get the 50% off grocery store pies after 5pm. Got everyone fat.

Or worse, did that and had to return later with a grocery list of what was depleted since he couldnt ever figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT but long term unemployed DH has begun new men's apparel business off a contact he actually made on DCUM. The original business owner had to remove himself from the business and made DH an incredible offer and he is sooooo excited. He is VERY patriotic, loves America yada yada, and believes the timing is right for this fun, new item to really take off. Remaining hopeful!

Wait is this the T-shirt/pants guy? Please say it is!

Well, the product is actually about combining t-shirts and shorts in a new way (and the name is a play on that.) But I have to ask how do you know about it? That's wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine got let go from his job in January and has told me he never plans on working another W2 job again. He's 39. I'm torn, because he's not sitting around doing nothing, he's turned his side hustle into a full-time business which is great. I am trying my best to be supportive.

However, the household management load and care of our two young DCs (one with HFA) has never come close to being evenly distributed, even though I've always worked full time. I've had it up to here after many discussions and arguments that go nowhere. And with him not working right now yet still not stepping up more, I am seething with resentment, and it has cause a massive loss of respect.

I am glad he's motivated with his business, but I'm not letting go of the expectation that, for example, I can trust him to watch our 10-month old DD for longer than 15 minutes without being zoned out on Tik Tok and neglecting her.

If he finally steps up in this regard, I'll be OK with him not working a W2. But in our latest discussion today, I did not mince words and said our marriage cannot continue the way it's been, and gently outlined actionable steps I would be taking to stop enabling him. He knows I am dead serious, but complains that I expect too much. God forbid he wash some dishes or clean a bathroom once in a while. I am holding my ground. To be continued...

I don’t know what to say except good luck. And how did this happen to you?!? Did he pretend to be someone he wasn’t before you got married and he only showed his true colors/uselessness after kids? I am engaged and am terrified that something like this could happen to me. I wish you the best and stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine got let go from his job in January and has told me he never plans on working another W2 job again. He's 39. I'm torn, because he's not sitting around doing nothing, he's turned his side hustle into a full-time business which is great. I am trying my best to be supportive.

However, the household management load and care of our two young DCs (one with HFA) has never come close to being evenly distributed, even though I've always worked full time. I've had it up to here after many discussions and arguments that go nowhere. And with him not working right now yet still not stepping up more, I am seething with resentment, and it has cause a massive loss of respect.

I am glad he's motivated with his business, but I'm not letting go of the expectation that, for example, I can trust him to watch our 10-month old DD for longer than 15 minutes without being zoned out on Tik Tok and neglecting her.

If he finally steps up in this regard, I'll be OK with him not working a W2. But in our latest discussion today, I did not mince words and said our marriage cannot continue the way it's been, and gently outlined actionable steps I would be taking to stop enabling him. He knows I am dead serious, but complains that I expect too much. God forbid he wash some dishes or clean a bathroom once in a while. I am holding my ground. To be continued...

I don’t know what to say except good luck. And how did this happen to you?!? Did he pretend to be someone he wasn’t before you got married and he only showed his true colors/uselessness after kids? I am engaged and am terrified that something like this could happen to me. I wish you the best and stand your ground.

Thank you. And it's the classic tale as old as time with undiagnosed ADHD. Before marriage and during honeymoon phase without as many life demands, fine and dandy. He even did chores. Now, a hot ass mess. Gets overstimulated with HFA DS behaviors, yells at kids, shuts down and scrolls tik tok for hours, and is only hyper-focused on building his business. I have sent him information on Psychiatrists who specialize in ADHD management and all he has to do is make the call. All I can say is that I'm giving it another year, with loving support yet firm expectations, before going nuclear.

[Anonymous]

How old do you have to be and how much money do you have to have for this to be called “retirement,” not being a slacker? 50? 55? 65? Never?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old do you have to be and how much money do you have to have for this to be called “retirement,” not being a slacker? 50? 55? 65? Never?

You’re a slacker if you can’t support yourself and children in an adequate lifestyle and live off someone else. That’s a slacker/deadbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full time, make almost 10 times what my wife does, do most of the things SAH does (school drop off, appointments, activity logistics, shopping, etc), travel planning, plus home maintenance. My wife still thinks I am useless and don't contribute.

People have different prospective, some are realistic some aren't. My guess is a lot fall in the middle.

Honestly trying to understand how this applies to my question. I was asking about an unemployed husband.

DH, is that you?

Seriously… What does your wife do and why does she think you don’t contribute?

I could see my DH riding something like this, but the truth is, although he does help with household tasks, I do 90% of them. Plus, I do the harder stuff… If DC has an 8 AM soccer game 45 minutes away, I go. If it’s a 1 p.m. in the afternoon game in our town, he’ll go. He’d say he went to one and I went to one… Not really equal in my book… He would say it was more like 50-50. He does not have a realistic perspective AT ALL.

Are you employed? Do you work equal hours? If not, then what you describe sounds fair. My DH and I both work, but he works longer hours with a difficult commute, and he earns most of our HHI, so I do more on the home front; he is an active participant, but naturally I do more and that seems fair to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT but long term unemployed DH has begun new men's apparel business off a contact he actually made on DCUM. The original business owner had to remove himself from the business and made DH an incredible offer and he is sooooo excited. He is VERY patriotic, loves America yada yada, and believes the timing is right for this fun, new item to really take off. Remaining hopeful!

Is this the “t-shirt as shorts” guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT but long term unemployed DH has begun new men's apparel business off a contact he actually made on DCUM. The original business owner had to remove himself from the business and made DH an incredible offer and he is sooooo excited. He is VERY patriotic, loves America yada yada, and believes the timing is right for this fun, new item to really take off. Remaining hopeful!

Is this the “t-shirt as shorts” guy?

America is ready at last for this product! Your suffering has paid off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's my ex, but I married for papers and then got out. No need to stick around. He was going to take me down with him because of his bad financial decision.
I'm well off now and our kid will be well off. He wants to support his dad in old age, which is fine. DC feels sorry for whatever ex's problem is that runs in the family.
The most upsetting thing is not even that he didn't work and never will. It's the fact that he has zero ability when it comes to money. He only knows how to spend it. He could have been rich many times over again, because of opportunities, being in the navy, and his age. Now he acts like he is socialist and capitalism is bad. Attacked me when I refused to take a $10k loan out for him.
Had he simply sat at home and not get in my way, he'd be well off too.
Not sure why people even marry them unless it's for green card.

You are both awful people. While he us a loser, You are a user of people. The latter is much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
3 months is wild, I’d be terrified to be married to a woman like this.

Haha, that's what I just said. Three months is a blink of an eye in unemployment. I love how women think unemployed guys can just snap their fingers and get a job, any job, even working at Target. Just totally disconnected from reality.

I'm a woman and I've done it.

I know a guy who screwed up bad at work and was barred from the industry. He and his wife had just bought one of the most expensive penthouses in their city, wife didn't work. He busted his ass around the clock reaching out to everyone he had ever known and applying to jobs; within a week, he had found a higher paying one.

It absolutely CAN be done, it's just that most people choose to spend a couple hours a day on applications and the rest of the day screwing around, taking a break, whatever.

At the very least I'd expect someone to treat finding a job as their full time job, which means 8-10 hours a day on applications.