Long term unemployed/slacker husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You seem like a real catch. He will be better off with someone else.

Makes me glad I'm not married.

[Anonymous]

Mine got let go from his job in January and has told me he never plans on working another W2 job again. He's 39. I'm torn, because he's not sitting around doing nothing, he's turned his side hustle into a full-time business which is great. I am trying my best to be supportive.

However, the household management load and care of our two young DCs (one with HFA) has never come close to being evenly distributed, even though I've always worked full time. I've had it up to here after many discussions and arguments that go nowhere. And with him not working right now yet still not stepping up more, I am seething with resentment, and it has cause a massive loss of respect.

I am glad he's motivated with his business, but I'm not letting go of the expectation that, for example, I can trust him to watch our 10-month old DD for longer than 15 minutes without being zoned out on Tik Tok and neglecting her.

If he finally steps up in this regard, I'll be OK with him not working a W2. But in our latest discussion today, I did not mince words and said our marriage cannot continue the way it's been, and gently outlined actionable steps I would be taking to stop enabling him. He knows I am dead serious, but complains that I expect too much. God forbid he wash some dishes or clean a bathroom once in a while. I am holding my ground. To be continued...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine got let go from his job in January and has told me he never plans on working another W2 job again. He's 39. I'm torn, because he's not sitting around doing nothing, he's turned his side hustle into a full-time business which is great. I am trying my best to be supportive.

However, the household management load and care of our two young DCs (one with HFA) has never come close to being evenly distributed, even though I've always worked full time. I've had it up to here after many discussions and arguments that go nowhere. And with him not working right now yet still not stepping up more, I am seething with resentment, and it has cause a massive loss of respect.

I am glad he's motivated with his business, but I'm not letting go of the expectation that, for example, I can trust him to watch our 10-month old DD for longer than 15 minutes without being zoned out on Tik Tok and neglecting her.

If he finally steps up in this regard, I'll be OK with him not working a W2. But in our latest discussion today, I did not mince words and said our marriage cannot continue the way it's been, and gently outlined actionable steps I would be taking to stop enabling him. He knows I am dead serious, but complains that I expect too much. God forbid he wash some dishes or clean a bathroom once in a while. I am holding my ground. To be continued...

Good luck. Women need to suss out these deadbeat tendencies BEFORE marriage and kids. The red flags are usually right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you deal with this if this happened to you? How about your family? I feel like many men who are long term unemployed have mental health issues that regular SAHMs do not have, and that makes them unemployable and hiding at home. My friend in HS had such a father and it deeply affected her.

Why are women always psychoanalyzing men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the sexism. Let men be SAHD and contribute by supporting their wives. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your family in other ways than earning a paycheck. If it works better for the family and both spouses are on same page, why is this your problem? Too much judgement with too little information is a waste of your time.

If they actually do it, great. But very few do the SAHD job well enough to actually relieve significant domestic burdens from their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is my husband. He took a buyout while we were in the process of moving. We realized while he wasn’t working, my career soared. He was able to manage our move and subsequent renovation projects perfectly and i got a huge promotion. We don’t need him to work to get by financially and I like that he handles all the pickups and dropoffs. That said, I always figured he’d eventually get another job or some consulting work for mental health/self-actualizarion purposes. But it’s been more than two years now and I see no signs that he’s interested.

Are you ok with him never working again? What’s stopping him?

Insecurity is stopping him I think. He’s worried about ageism in late 40s. I’m OK with him never working again but I also have a gnawing feeling that it’s not the best thing for him mental health wise.

I just started a job as a data scientist at 48. Tell your hubby he can do it too. If took me a year to do so but I made it. Maybe he will scuff at the $180k I am getting paid but it's not a bad salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the sexism. Let men be SAHD and contribute by supporting their wives. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your family in other ways than earning a paycheck. If it works better for the family and both spouses are on same page, why is this your problem? Too much judgement with too little information is a waste of your time.

If they actually do it, great. But very few do the SAHD job well enough to actually relieve significant domestic burdens from their wives.

I agree 100%. I'll admit to being a sexist because I will never be a SAHD dad. Even if my wife made a million a year and I made 100k I am not staying home and do domestic work and child care. As a man I feel like I should be working regardless of how much my wife makes. I am just being honest
Call me what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is my husband. He took a buyout while we were in the process of moving. We realized while he wasn’t working, my career soared. He was able to manage our move and subsequent renovation projects perfectly and i got a huge promotion. We don’t need him to work to get by financially and I like that he handles all the pickups and dropoffs. That said, I always figured he’d eventually get another job or some consulting work for mental health/self-actualizarion purposes. But it’s been more than two years now and I see no signs that he’s interested.

Are you ok with him never working again? What’s stopping him?

Insecurity is stopping him I think. He’s worried about ageism in late 40s. I’m OK with him never working again but I also have a gnawing feeling that it’s not the best thing for him mental health wise.

I just started a job as a data scientist at 48. Tell your hubby he can do it too. If took me a year to do so but I made it. Maybe he will scuff at the $180k I am getting paid but it's not a bad salary.

Tell us more about how you did this, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine got let go from his job in January and has told me he never plans on working another W2 job again. He's 39. I'm torn, because he's not sitting around doing nothing, he's turned his side hustle into a full-time business which is great. I am trying my best to be supportive.

However, the household management load and care of our two young DCs (one with HFA) has never come close to being evenly distributed, even though I've always worked full time. I've had it up to here after many discussions and arguments that go nowhere. And with him not working right now yet still not stepping up more, I am seething with resentment, and it has cause a massive loss of respect.

I am glad he's motivated with his business, but I'm not letting go of the expectation that, for example, I can trust him to watch our 10-month old DD for longer than 15 minutes without being zoned out on Tik Tok and neglecting her.

If he finally steps up in this regard, I'll be OK with him not working a W2. But in our latest discussion today, I did not mince words and said our marriage cannot continue the way it's been, and gently outlined actionable steps I would be taking to stop enabling him. He knows I am dead serious, but complains that I expect too much. God forbid he wash some dishes or clean a bathroom once in a while. I am holding my ground. To be continued...

You can’t trust your unemployed 39-year-old husband to look after your 10-month-old daughter for longer than 15 minutes without zoning out on TikTok? That’s reminiscent of Christopher Scholtes, the Arizona dad who left his 2-year-old to die in a hot car while he played video games. No more kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexist

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you deal with this if this happened to you? How about your family? I feel like many men who are long term unemployed have mental health issues that regular SAHMs do not have, and that makes them unemployable and hiding at home. My friend in HS had such a father and it deeply affected her.

Correct. Their parents never got them the mental disorder help they needed or suffer from the same so won’t ID the chronic symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is my husband. He took a buyout while we were in the process of moving. We realized while he wasn’t working, my career soared. He was able to manage our move and subsequent renovation projects perfectly and i got a huge promotion. We don’t need him to work to get by financially and I like that he handles all the pickups and dropoffs. That said, I always figured he’d eventually get another job or some consulting work for mental health/self-actualizarion purposes. But it’s been more than two years now and I see no signs that he’s interested.

Are you ok with him never working again? What’s stopping him?

Insecurity is stopping him I think. He’s worried about ageism in late 40s. I’m OK with him never working again but I also have a gnawing feeling that it’s not the best thing for him mental health wise.

I just started a job as a data scientist at 48. Tell your hubby he can do it too. If took me a year to do so but I made it. Maybe he will scuff at the $180k I am getting paid but it's not a bad salary.

Tell us more about how you did this, please.

Yes, PLEASE share! Maybe make a new post in the Jobs forum about it? You could help a lot of desperate jobless people in their 40s out there!

[Anonymous]

Given the choice, I would rather have a supportive mostly-unemployed man in my life than a salaried slacker. I've done it both ways.

My partner (not the father of my child) lost his last W2 job three years ago-- dying industry, ageism-- about a year after he moved in with me. He has some freelance work, so I don't have to give him an allowance or anything, but I carry the bulk of the household expenses.

Having him holding down the homefront has been transformational for my career. My salary has almost doubled since he shifted to support mode; I come home from work (or emerge from my home office) to a clean house, a stocked fridge, meals prepped. He keeps an eye on things like dog supplies and home maintenance needs. He plugs in for kid needs (although these are minimal with a increasingly independent teen.) I did all that when I was married and earning the same salary as my then-husband. My partner is also very sweet and affectionate, and always on the lookout for ways to show love.

If he were contributing his 20% (or whatever) and doing nothing else? Sitting around playing video games and wallowing in his own squalor and leaving chores for me to do? He'd be out. Everyone must contribute to the household, however they are able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is my husband. He took a buyout while we were in the process of moving. We realized while he wasn’t working, my career soared. He was able to manage our move and subsequent renovation projects perfectly and i got a huge promotion. We don’t need him to work to get by financially and I like that he handles all the pickups and dropoffs. That said, I always figured he’d eventually get another job or some consulting work for mental health/self-actualizarion purposes. But it’s been more than two years now and I see no signs that he’s interested.

I have two friends in the same boat, high flying wife and the husband “retired” after 20 years of work to be SAHD, parent the kids, run the household, hang out with dads and sports stuff, etc. Works great.

Then I have a close friend whose absent minded father was always muddling along, they penny pinched, never took vacation, and he took a layoff package at age 50 (or so they say), never to work again. But he did nothing at home and continues in his 70s to do nothing, have no friends, just read online news or tag along w the mom. The 40 yo brother is single and lives at home too.

My friend says moving to college and seeing other ways of living was eye opening to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you deal with this if this happened to you? How about your family? I feel like many men who are long term unemployed have mental health issues that regular SAHMs do not have, and that makes them unemployable and hiding at home. My friend in HS had such a father and it deeply affected her.

VIABLE OPTIONS:

Relegate them to the sidelines. Divorce after kids launch. He may pester adult children, set boundaries.

Divorce now and be forced to pay them child support to barely parent the children. Hope for the best.

Never divorce and live parallel lives forever. He may not even notice.