Are most marriages just meh after 10-20 years?

[Anonymous]

Gay couple, been together for 32 years, married for 12. The first 25 years were great, but recently we’ve drifted in different directions. Since retiring we spend more time in close proximity and now we argue constantly. At this point we’re more like business partners than a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years. Basically no sex, no romance. We have a young child. We do sometimes have conflicts regarding parenting, but overall we get along well. I'd rather live with him than anybody else I know. We like spending time together and laughing together. But I do miss the romance and the sex.

It comes back!

No, it does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. Marriage is something both spouses need to value and work at. A friend who does marriage counseling summed it up for me---after 20 years and hitting the empty nest stage, most couples fall into three categories: (1) those who divorce; (2) those who stay married but basically live separate lives or (3) those who jointly embark on marriage 2.0---a conscious reinvigoration of marriage once you are in empty nest mode. I will observe that out of my friends (we are all 50 somethings), those who had parents who stayed married and achieved the marriage 2.0 paradigm have also managed to stay married.

100%

My parents modeled 3)— they had a blast at Empty nest- so much travel, socializing, fun with grandkids.

We are headed to 3)- with empty nest in 1 year and things getting drastically better after rough times midlife. We have been married 26.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Met in 1999, married in 2005. Super super happy and in love!

[Anonymous]

One should assign a wide margin of error when categorizing someone else’s marriage as happy from the outside. My spouse is about to bomb drop all our friends with news of our divorce. I know everyone thinks we have a great marriage. And we did - so much fun, no fighting, total team - until we didn’t. Things went downhill very quickly in a matter of months when my spouse decided to walk out on us. (Our closest friends know but we are about to tell the wider social group that we only see every 2-3 months).

[Anonymous]

We've been married almost 30 years. That's a long time. We've had our share of problems, and our share of successes. I can't say we are 100% happily married because there is one aspect of our marriage that bothers me quite a bit, but I also would not say we are unhappily married.

I see the value in being married and having a partner. I feel that value. At the same time, sure, meh is right! But I want to have a partner as I age. I like having somebody to DO things with. I want my kids to have a comfortable family. None of this is at the expense of my happiness - I am doing what I need to do to be happy (I'm investing time in family and friends. I've got hobbies. I invite DH to do what I do.)

I don't FEEL committed to marriage, but I am ACTING as if I am committed to marriage, if that makes sense. I don't feel love for my partner, but I'm acting as if I do. And overall, that results in a peaceful life, easy harmony, and satisfaction with what I have. I do have my moments, as we all do (I'm a perimenopausal woman, I mean, you know how it is), but overall I'm able to maintain happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met in 1999, married in 2005. Super super happy and in love!

There should be a heart emoji

What does it mean to be in love after 20 years of marriage? I just don't feel it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. But people in meh marriages will say no because understandably it's triggering.

As a man I'll say for most women marriage is a disaster. The average man does have what it takes to keep a woman happy for 10+ years. To keep a woman happy for 10+ years is not trivial. The average man cannot do it because emotionally most men just don't have what it takes to keep up with the waves that emotions women go throughout their lives.

Serious question ... what exactly are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24 years married and our hardest years have been the last two. My DH has ocpd and can't express emotions normally. I have emotionally checked out after doing all the emotional labor for 24 years. Divorce would be very hard. But I am sad.

What is OCPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. Marriage is something both spouses need to value and work at. A friend who does marriage counseling summed it up for me---after 20 years and hitting the empty nest stage, most couples fall into three categories: (1) those who divorce; (2) those who stay married but basically live separate lives or (3) those who jointly embark on marriage 2.0---a conscious reinvigoration of marriage once you are in empty nest mode. I will observe that out of my friends (we are all 50 somethings), those who had parents who stayed married and achieved the marriage 2.0 paradigm have also managed to stay married.

100%

My parents modeled 3)— they had a blast at Empty nest- so much travel, socializing, fun with grandkids.

We are headed to 3)- with empty nest in 1 year and things getting drastically better after rough times midlife. We have been married 26.5 years.

Same. It could have been divorce about 5 years ago (kids were 14 and 13 at the time). They are the reason I gave it a shot. So glad I did. Our marriage is night and day from what was the low point and now we are very happy and 1 year until empty nest. Total reboot of it. I think it tracks with the bottom of the u on the happiness curve- and those that need some therapy at that time get it.

[Anonymous]

If the wife is pleasant and in reasonable shape, marriage will be good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:24 years married and our hardest years have been the last two. My DH has ocpd and can't express emotions normally. I have emotionally checked out after doing all the emotional labor for 24 years. Divorce would be very hard. But I am sad.

What is OCPD?

NP but I think it’s obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the wife is pleasant and in reasonable shape, marriage will be good

Wrong. Or at least, not from her perspective.

I would say: in a hetero marriage, if the man keeps trying, the marriage will be good. Whatever effort a man puts into his marriage, the woman will give back 2 fold.

[Anonymous]

https://substack.com/inbox/post/160383770?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=post%20viewer&triedRedirect=true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years. Basically no sex, no romance. We have a young child. We do sometimes have conflicts regarding parenting, but overall we get along well. I'd rather live with him than anybody else I know. We like spending time together and laughing together. But I do miss the romance and the sex.

It comes back!

Sometimes!