Are most marriages just meh after 10-20 years?

[Anonymous]

I’m in my late twenties. There have been a few divorces and almost everyone we know is in a somewhat unhappy marriage. Many of us are in it for the kids.

After 20 years together, are most relationships just meh?

[Anonymous]

It depends. Marriage is something both spouses need to value and work at. A friend who does marriage counseling summed it up for me---after 20 years and hitting the empty nest stage, most couples fall into three categories: (1) those who divorce; (2) those who stay married but basically live separate lives or (3) those who jointly embark on marriage 2.0---a conscious reinvigoration of marriage once you are in empty nest mode. I will observe that out of my friends (we are all 50 somethings), those who had parents who stayed married and achieved the marriage 2.0 paradigm have also managed to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. Marriage is something both spouses need to value and work at. A friend who does marriage counseling summed it up for me---after 20 years and hitting the empty nest stage, most couples fall into three categories: (1) those who divorce; (2) those who stay married but basically live separate lives or (3) those who jointly embark on marriage 2.0---a conscious reinvigoration of marriage once you are in empty nest mode. I will observe that out of my friends (we are all 50 somethings), those who had parents who stayed married and achieved the marriage 2.0 paradigm have also managed to stay married.

Marriage therapists only see a very unusual sample: They don't see the vast majority of people who don't seek counseling.

Maybe this is different, but in general distributions tend to be normally distributed. For example, some people are introverted and others extraverted, but if you graph it, most people are in the middle, and only a few are at the extremes:



I bet marriage satisfaction is the same: Most people are somewhat happy, with lives that are neither completely intermeshed nor totally separate, with some people at the extremes - separate lives and happy, separate and unhappy, completely reinvigorated, etc.

[Anonymous]

You're in your late 20s and most people are just in it for the kids? what?? Most of my friends hadn't even had kids until late 20s (most were 30).

Married 15 years and we're very happy. Definitely not in it for the kids. We're married despite our kids, lol. Kids are definitely the only hard part of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would say yes, this is including myself at 30 years in. Adding on to the PP above I'm trying to decide if I will pick # 1 or #2 leaning more to #2. Moving to a new part of the country with spouse but also living more separate lives because we are getting older yet still have a commitment to each other as we age. If I picked #1 I will never remarry.

[Anonymous]

Married 22 years next month. One at college, one about to go to college, and a rising freshman. Couldn't love her more and can't wait for the next 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Any ltr goes through ups and downs.

The downs is usually during the young children period. Having kids is stressful, especially when both parents work.

My youngest is about to go off to college, and we are looking forward to traveling more. We've only traveled alone sans kids twice, and both times, we felt a closer connection.

Less stress and more time also equals more intimacy.

If you go into marriage thinking that it will always be like the first year of your relationship, you will be in for a rude awakening, and disappointment. Marriage is about family and commitment to that family. If you don't think you can do it, or want to do it, do NOT have children. That is unfair to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Married 20 years this summer. We definitely had some times where things were harder (kids were younger) but now things are really great and I am so excited for the next 20 together.

[Anonymous]

Married for 15 years so still 3 elementary kids. Things are hard with kids, jobs, family but not our marriage. We acknowledge that we feel very lucky and we’ve grown together.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

It's a U curve. Mid career and little kids are brutal on a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Not mine. 16 years. Lots of ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

I found early marriage very hard, especially the first few years. I find everything about marriage easier and better now, 17 years later- we are more mature, more used to each other, more accepting. When things are rough I go straight to DH- he is my home. And I don’t even think I have a particularly good marriage, our rough times have been rough.

[Anonymous]

That's not typical. I had some friends who divorced, sure but no, not everyone's marriage is blah.

In your late 20s also, did people get married in high school? Those divorces do tend to come faster and younger. I got married at 24 and by late 20s most people were just getting married for the first time. The exception being people who married high school boyfriends (like my sis in law).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're in your late 20s and most people are just in it for the kids? what?? Most of my friends hadn't even had kids until late 20s (most were 30).

Married 15 years and we're very happy. Definitely not in it for the kids. We're married despite our kids, lol. Kids are definitely the only hard part of our marriage.

I think OP meant they are in their late 20s of marriage, not chronological years of aging. ???