Is this crazy? (Staying in starter home)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a small home (2 bed, 2 bath condo) but I think that's too small because teenagers need some measure of privacy. You can't expect 3 teens to share a bedroom and not resent you for not trying to do better, I'm sorry. My older sister has to share a room with me when she was in a freshman/sophomore in high school and I actually think it ruined our sibling relationship because she resented me so much for it (even though I had no control over the situation).

We do fine with 2 bedrooms because we only have one kid.

I was just running my college kid back to her college dorm after coming home for two nights. She's stressed, so I'll give her some grace for this, but it is not the first time I have heard it: She wishes we had had a bigger house. Even when she comes home, she feels like she can't study in her room or have a private conservation, because our house is too small for there to be any privacy. Ours is about 1700, 3 bedrooms, just 4 of us--2 adults, 2 kids. But it's hard not to be able host family. The kids never invited friends over because there was nowhere for them to hang out. I wanted to renovate an unfinished basement for them, but my husband wouldn't budge, so I am filled with resentment, and I hear it from my kids, too. Just giving you the flip side of the coin here. Sure, we have saved, but at what cost?

I'm the PP with the 1200 sq ft house. When the kids were little, the neighbor kids always came over. We hosted parties in our house and (small backyard). 20-30 people. Now they're young adults and teens, they bring just a few friends. My college kid uses noise canceling headphones if his sister and her friends are too noisy, but if anyone's concentrating for something important like exam review, or taking a work call, etc, everyone else is quiet. It's all part of being respectful and having good manners.

You guys need to stop blaming your lack of space, and work on your social anxiety and social skills instead.

I'm the PP who lives in the 2 bedroom condo with one kid and I think different people have different needs. Yes people live in small spaces all over the world. But also some people needs space and privacy and if you pack too many people into a very small space, it can become very stressful for them. This is true in the US and it's also true in Europe and Tokyo and Shanghai and other places where it's normal to live in small apartment homes.

We chose to have just one kid in part because I know, after growing up in a large family with very limited space, that feeling like I have no privacy has a serious impact on my general sense of well being. I think no matter where you go in the world, if you find families with 3 kids, you will discover that most of them want a little bit of space. It doesn't have to be some 4000 sq ft McMansion in the suburbs. It might just be an apartment with another bedroom or a layout that would enable them to split a bedroom in half for extra space. Especially as kids get older.

I'm obsessed with small spaces, since I live in one, and watch a ton of online content about living in small homes and making the most of your space. Almost none of it features families with more than 2 kids. In most places all over the world, people with larger families prefer bigger spaces. It's not some kind of personality defect, it's just practical.

[Anonymous]

It's not crazy to stay, OP, if it's working ok for you!

We are similar but slightly bigger house, higher income wo debt and just 2 kids. I had wanted to move for all the reasons but we haven't - very manageable monthly payment with a great interest rate. Love the neighborhood etc.

Guess what? DH lost what we thought was a very stable fed job and at least for now we are still ok. I'm so happy we aren't overextended. We don't have to cut back on much immediately etc. There are upsides to not living financially at the outer edge of what you can afford.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, and I think we will stay. Like I mentioned, I would want a neighborhood exactly like the one I live in and all of the houses here are at least $600k. We talked and I think we’ll focus on debt first (obviously then figuring out how to add an extension to create a master bed/bath, extend the kitchen, and convert the garage for additional living space. I think that will make it more tenable for the longer term. These are great perspectives, thank you all! Happy Easter!

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that people who truly love to host don’t let the size of their space stop them! Even if you get a bigger house, you probably will find reasons not to host as much as you think you would.

It also sounds like there are other issues going on in your current situation that are still going to be there or will just repeat themselves in a bigger house w the added debt, maintenance, tax, furnishing burden.

[Anonymous]

Oops I see your post above. Enjoy your house OP, and have people over more. Happy Easter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a small home (2 bed, 2 bath condo) but I think that's too small because teenagers need some measure of privacy. You can't expect 3 teens to share a bedroom and not resent you for not trying to do better, I'm sorry. My older sister has to share a room with me when she was in a freshman/sophomore in high school and I actually think it ruined our sibling relationship because she resented me so much for it (even though I had no control over the situation).

We do fine with 2 bedrooms because we only have one kid.

I was just running my college kid back to her college dorm after coming home for two nights. She's stressed, so I'll give her some grace for this, but it is not the first time I have heard it: She wishes we had had a bigger house. Even when she comes home, she feels like she can't study in her room or have a private conservation, because our house is too small for there to be any privacy. Ours is about 1700, 3 bedrooms, just 4 of us--2 adults, 2 kids. But it's hard not to be able host family. The kids never invited friends over because there was nowhere for them to hang out. I wanted to renovate an unfinished basement for them, but my husband wouldn't budge, so I am filled with resentment, and I hear it from my kids, too. Just giving you the flip side of the coin here. Sure, we have saved, but at what cost?

Honestly? She sounds a little whiney. She has her own room with a door and noise canceling headphones are inexpensive.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not buy a bigger house. You said you already have a lot of debt. Look at what is going on in the DMV with the destruction of the federal government. I know private industry employers are already being impacted. Even if we get past this, there will be other recessions, agism, etc. that could lead to unemployment and underemployment later in life. You will be glad you have a low or zero housing payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, and I think we will stay. Like I mentioned, I would want a neighborhood exactly like the one I live in and all of the houses here are at least $600k. We talked and I think we’ll focus on debt first (obviously then figuring out how to add an extension to create a master bed/bath, extend the kitchen, and convert the garage for additional living space. I think that will make it more tenable for the longer term. These are great perspectives, thank you all! Happy Easter!

OP this sounds like the perfect plan. In the meantime, if you want to host in the colder months, don’t under estimate how easy it is to use a few outdoor heaters and a tent. We’ve hosted this way even in the winter. You can rent or buy them. I definitely would prioritize paying off the debt and then adding a master suite w/ another bathroom and a powder room. Hosting with one bathroom is risky.

[Anonymous]

Is the garage you sleep in attached to the house with direct access to the house? I wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in a garage with my children in a separate building.

The only reason I say to stay where you are currently is because you have debt and your children are young. Same experience as a PP where having to share a room damaged sibling relationships. Teens need some privacy and personal space and you need more than one bathroom with a family of 5. I’m surprised give your situation that you opted to have that many children, TBH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still in our starter home and our youngest is about to leave for college. Sometimes I wish we had a bigger host and could host out-of-town visitors, have parties, and host more than one family for dinner. The upside is that we paid off our mortgage more than 15 years ago which allowed us to save more for college and retirement. We will have a nice nest egg when we retire and a big part of it was not overextending ourselves on a mortgage

This is OP and this is my main qualm: I love hosting and really can’t in our house. We have a nice big outdoor space so I do host garden parties in the summer. But the pros that you list seem to vastly outweigh the cons. Saving more v spending more on a mortgage is a huge consideration.

Both of you can host. Set up a buffet and people can mingle while holding plates. Or set up a folding table for kids and 6 grown ups sit at the dining table for dinner.

I hate parties where there’s no place to sit or set a plate down. How do people eat if they’re holding their plate and drink? People need to rent a space in these situations because it’s simply not enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still in our starter home and our youngest is about to leave for college. Sometimes I wish we had a bigger host and could host out-of-town visitors, have parties, and host more than one family for dinner. The upside is that we paid off our mortgage more than 15 years ago which allowed us to save more for college and retirement. We will have a nice nest egg when we retire and a big part of it was not overextending ourselves on a mortgage

This is OP and this is my main qualm: I love hosting and really can’t in our house. We have a nice big outdoor space so I do host garden parties in the summer. But the pros that you list seem to vastly outweigh the cons. Saving more v spending more on a mortgage is a huge consideration.

Both of you can host. Set up a buffet and people can mingle while holding plates. Or set up a folding table for kids and 6 grown ups sit at the dining table for dinner.

I hate parties where there’s no place to sit or set a plate down. How do people eat if they’re holding their plate and drink? People need to rent a space in these situations because it’s simply not enjoyable.

Omg. I think nobody wants you at their parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a small home (2 bed, 2 bath condo) but I think that's too small because teenagers need some measure of privacy. You can't expect 3 teens to share a bedroom and not resent you for not trying to do better, I'm sorry. My older sister has to share a room with me when she was in a freshman/sophomore in high school and I actually think it ruined our sibling relationship because she resented me so much for it (even though I had no control over the situation).

We do fine with 2 bedrooms because we only have one kid.

I was just running my college kid back to her college dorm after coming home for two nights. She's stressed, so I'll give her some grace for this, but it is not the first time I have heard it: She wishes we had had a bigger house. Even when she comes home, she feels like she can't study in her room or have a private conservation, because our house is too small for there to be any privacy. Ours is about 1700, 3 bedrooms, just 4 of us--2 adults, 2 kids. But it's hard not to be able host family. The kids never invited friends over because there was nowhere for them to hang out. I wanted to renovate an unfinished basement for them, but my husband wouldn't budge, so I am filled with resentment, and I hear it from my kids, too. Just giving you the flip side of the coin here. Sure, we have saved, but at what cost?

I'm the PP with the 1200 sq ft house. When the kids were little, the neighbor kids always came over. We hosted parties in our house and (small backyard). 20-30 people. Now they're young adults and teens, they bring just a few friends. My college kid uses noise canceling headphones if his sister and her friends are too noisy, but if anyone's concentrating for something important like exam review, or taking a work call, etc, everyone else is quiet. It's all part of being respectful and having good manners.

You guys need to stop blaming your lack of space, and work on your social anxiety and social skills instead.

Oh gosh, we're quite social. My kids are smart, mainstream--dare I say, likeable and popular. What a weird take you have on my anecdote. Our house, in fact, was just too small for four sociable, hard-working people. I'll give you the anxiety part--3 of the 4 of us have ADHD and that makes concentrating in a small house where you can hear every breath a little nerve-wracking.

[Anonymous]

wtf are you all spending your money on it your home is 1600 a month, a combined income of 300k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a small home (2 bed, 2 bath condo) but I think that's too small because teenagers need some measure of privacy. You can't expect 3 teens to share a bedroom and not resent you for not trying to do better, I'm sorry. My older sister has to share a room with me when she was in a freshman/sophomore in high school and I actually think it ruined our sibling relationship because she resented me so much for it (even though I had no control over the situation).

We do fine with 2 bedrooms because we only have one kid.

I was just running my college kid back to her college dorm after coming home for two nights. She's stressed, so I'll give her some grace for this, but it is not the first time I have heard it: She wishes we had had a bigger house. Even when she comes home, she feels like she can't study in her room or have a private conservation, because our house is too small for there to be any privacy. Ours is about 1700, 3 bedrooms, just 4 of us--2 adults, 2 kids. But it's hard not to be able host family. The kids never invited friends over because there was nowhere for them to hang out. I wanted to renovate an unfinished basement for them, but my husband wouldn't budge, so I am filled with resentment, and I hear it from my kids, too. Just giving you the flip side of the coin here. Sure, we have saved, but at what cost?

I'm the PP with the 1200 sq ft house. When the kids were little, the neighbor kids always came over. We hosted parties in our house and (small backyard). 20-30 people. Now they're young adults and teens, they bring just a few friends. My college kid uses noise canceling headphones if his sister and her friends are too noisy, but if anyone's concentrating for something important like exam review, or taking a work call, etc, everyone else is quiet. It's all part of being respectful and having good manners.

You guys need to stop blaming your lack of space, and work on your social anxiety and social skills instead.

Oh gosh, we're quite social. My kids are smart, mainstream--dare I say, likeable and popular. What a weird take you have on my anecdote. Our house, in fact, was just too small for four sociable, hard-working people. I'll give you the anxiety part--3 of the 4 of us have ADHD and that makes concentrating in a small house where you can hear every breath a little nerve-wracking.

For being “sociable and hard-working” you seem to have little interest in OP’s actual situation. (which is common to people who fancy themselves popular - they don’t actually care about other people’s situations.) OP has debt, college for 3 kids to pay, a modest (for this area) HHI, and is in a neighborhood she likes. An 1100 square foot house is a totally normal size in the real world. Research shows that we adapt to what we believe is going to make a huge difference and then revert to the norm. If OP bought a bigger house chances are in a year there would be no difference in happiness, but a BIG difference for the worse in their finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not crazy to stay, OP, if it's working ok for you!

We are similar but slightly bigger house, higher income wo debt and just 2 kids. I had wanted to move for all the reasons but we haven't - very manageable monthly payment with a great interest rate. Love the neighborhood etc.

Guess what? DH lost what we thought was a very stable fed job and at least for now we are still ok. I'm so happy we aren't overextended. We don't have to cut back on much immediately etc. There are upsides to not living financially at the outer edge of what you can afford.

This 100%!

You don't have to stress if one job disappears (or one spouse is physically unable to work do to medical issues). There is no need to live at the outer edge of what "you can afford"
Most who choose not to do that are actually happier