If you knew you can only see your adult kids 15 more times before you die, how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father lives across the country and I assure you that he does not care. He views me as an obligation. If I don't call him, he'll call me once every 2-3 weeks for us to have a stilted conversation mostly about what we are watching or reading. I try to get him to NOT tell me how he did a load of sheets and towels and is going to the grocery store tomorrow after he vacuums.

Hmmm... after reading your post, I can see why your dad finds it difficult to have a conversation with you.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd the parents want to see their children more, they can actually visit the children. Or, go live near them, if their kids are in a stable location.

My parents loved their house more.

So kids should leave the place they grew up, and are saluted for being independent, but then the older generation who have even deeper roots should be expected to move and follow their child wherever they go??? Which child should they choose? And if they don't move, they are accused of valuing their house over their child? You should like you are still maturing.

[Anonymous]

My parents (70s) and siblings ( all in our 40s) ask moved down here within a mile of each other. I see my parents at minimum 3 days a week ( they watch my toddler) and often daily as they help out with random errands. They see my siblings and their kids regularly too. We go on annual vacation together and all holidays, birthdays, etc.

This thread is making me incredibly grateful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents (70s) and siblings ( all in our 40s) ask moved down here within a mile of each other. I see my parents at minimum 3 days a week ( they watch my toddler) and often daily as they help out with random errands. They see my siblings and their kids regularly too. We go on annual vacation together and all holidays, birthdays, etc.

This thread is making me incredibly grateful

You should feel grateful! And also make sure you take care of your parents and the toddler care is not too much for them. I've seen really burnt out grandparents afraid to make waves but really exhausted by all the free labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (70s) and siblings ( all in our 40s) ask moved down here within a mile of each other. I see my parents at minimum 3 days a week ( they watch my toddler) and often daily as they help out with random errands. They see my siblings and their kids regularly too. We go on annual vacation together and all holidays, birthdays, etc.

This thread is making me incredibly grateful

You should feel grateful! And also make sure you take care of your parents and the toddler care is not too much for them. I've seen really burnt out grandparents afraid to make waves but really exhausted by all the free labor.

My sister worked and my parents provided housing, childcare and subsidized her other expenses. They were gracious about it but it took a heavy toll on their own lives, health and finances.

[Anonymous]

My parents made this choice around the time our kids were teenagers. It was pretty sad for me but they really wanted it. I probably see them 3-4 times a year and my kids see them about 2 times a year. I am sure that whoever dies first will move back to be near us but it's not the same. I take comfort in knowing that they want to be together and they really love each other. I can understand that, actually. We are not the center of their world. And that is good too. We can be another time if we need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd the parents want to see their children more, they can actually visit the children. Or, go live near them, if their kids are in a stable location.

My parents loved their house more.

So kids should leave the place they grew up, and are saluted for being independent, but then the older generation who have even deeper roots should be expected to move and follow their child wherever they go??? Which child should they choose? And if they don't move, they are accused of valuing their house over their child? You should like you are still maturing.

DP

And the flip side of this from my perspective - my parents made me feel like a failure if I didn't succeed. In order to succeed I needed to move - i paid for college, grad school, housing - suffered periods of hunger etc. They never helped with anything ever. Then they complained when I moved.

Here's an idea - How about fostering good relationships with your children so they don't feel ostracized? If I felt my parents were loving and supportive, I'd definitely put in more effort. They make me feel bad for whatever I do so the older I get, the less I try.

[Anonymous]

My father would be thrilled. The fewer the better for him.

My mother would be sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father would be thrilled. The fewer the better for him.

My mother would be sad.

How would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father would be thrilled. The fewer the better for him.

My mother would be sad.

How would you feel?

It’s not about me. That doesn’t matter, hence the way I answered the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents (70s) and siblings ( all in our 40s) ask moved down here within a mile of each other. I see my parents at minimum 3 days a week ( they watch my toddler) and often daily as they help out with random errands. They see my siblings and their kids regularly too. We go on annual vacation together and all holidays, birthdays, etc.

This thread is making me incredibly grateful

Well my parents live in an area that didn't have jobs for my spouse and I. And also an area I had no desire to live in (hated living there my MS and HS years). My sibling lives in the middle of nowhere in the midwest (used to live in a Town of only 500 people, now a town of 15K). I also have no desire to live there.

We did have a time period where my parents were 2 hours away and that was great. Kids were young and we stayed there for 14 years. Everyone loved it. We tried to convince parents to move to where we ended up after that (due to a job change), but they had no interest.

So I visit my parents a few times a year, as much as I can and chat with them weekly.
We are all happy where we are, and I love my life and my friends who live near us, so I'm not about to uproot my family to go live somewhere that we would all despise, just to be "near my parents".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (70s) and siblings ( all in our 40s) ask moved down here within a mile of each other. I see my parents at minimum 3 days a week ( they watch my toddler) and often daily as they help out with random errands. They see my siblings and their kids regularly too. We go on annual vacation together and all holidays, birthdays, etc.

This thread is making me incredibly grateful

You should feel grateful! And also make sure you take care of your parents and the toddler care is not too much for them. I've seen really burnt out grandparents afraid to make waves but really exhausted by all the free labor.

My sister worked and my parents provided housing, childcare and subsidized her other expenses. They were gracious about it but it took a heavy toll on their own lives, health and finances.

Yes, there is a difference between daily childcare and(or X days per week) versus "hey G&G we want to take a vacation just the two of us, can you come and stay and watch the grandkids for 7-10 days. All expenses paid, you can go out to eat or get takeout anytime you want it's on us".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father lives across the country and I assure you that he does not care. He views me as an obligation. If I don't call him, he'll call me once every 2-3 weeks for us to have a stilted conversation mostly about what we are watching or reading. I try to get him to NOT tell me how he did a load of sheets and towels and is going to the grocery store tomorrow after he vacuums.

How fo
You feel about that!

[Anonymous]

Children should make the effort to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children should make the effort to see you.

The division of effort should be based on the relative free time/resources/ease of travel/ and desire for visits for each party