If you knew you can only see your adult kids 15 more times before you die, how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

As an adult child this would make me very sad. Living near my parents and siblings is a top priority for me for exactly this reason. I want to spend as much time with my family, including my parents, as possible.

[Anonymous]

I am an immigrant and my parents, ILs, siblings, uncles and aunts live in my country of origin. I am connected through SM and I visit them often when I am visiting. I am connected via group chat to my family and we get tons of pictures and videos from everybody every day.

I have seen my share of loss and it is heart-wrenching regardless of if you live near or far. I try and visit my country of origin every year and I like to stay there for a few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would focus more on not being a burden. What if I'm 70 and saw them 2/3 of the times left but then I got alzheimers and that's it. I'm gonzo.

They get to move themselves, move me, babysit my drooling corpse.

I would make arrangements even more realistic than yours.

What if you’re 70 and living a thriving life with friends, hobbies, etc. That is the sort of life that is difficult for many to recreate when they’re older and it adds healthy longevity. Plus, there’s an assumption here your kids actually want you to move closer, which may or may not be the case. My DH loves his mom, talks to her frequently, but says we are moving if she decides to move to our state.

[Anonymous]

You can't view this issue solely from a DCUM standpoint.

First, many people on this site are above national average income. That is not reflective of Americans as a whole. Even adult kids who have done well may not have parents who are more than middle class.

Second, what about families where there are multiple children, living all over? Maybe there are a couple of second marriages thrown in there. Then you may have grandkids in one place with one parent and grandkids in another. Those types of situations are not easy to navigate. Nor are they easy to schedule visits around.

Any situation when there is a second marriage/partner of a parent typically does not go well. (I'm talking about many, many years after the death/divorce of other parent.)

Just read some of the responses here on DCUM and elsewhere; it is almost universal that any new spouse is going to be looked at with suspicion (Gold diggers!) and often hatred. This is especially true for women who marry men with kids - even if those kids are adults and with families of their own.

If the adult child does not make an effort to welcome the spouse then it makes it even harder for the parent to visit. They can go by themselves to their respective kids/grandkids but no one likes to leave their spouse behind every time. And no spouse wants to go where they are not wanted.

Also, lots of older retired people simply cannot afford to go and visit adult kids/grandkids more than 1-2 per year. There can be myriad other reasons, too, like health, trouble traveling distances, not having someone to care for the house, pets, etc. for a long visit. Many may have activities or even a part-time job (that they need for income)

IMO, as long as there is a good relationship then the visits should be split (if financially able) so the kids visit parents and then parents visit kids.

[Anonymous]

^ To add to the OP's original hypothetical question, how about posing one to adult kids:

If you knew you would only see your mother/father 15 more times before they die, what would you do differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adult child this would make me very sad. Living near my parents and siblings is a top priority for me for exactly this reason. I want to spend as much time with my family, including my parents, as possible.

May God bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are 60+ and live in another state and meet every year, you are probably going to meet them 15 times, if twice a year than probably 30 more meetups before you die. Even that's not a given. Let that thought sink in. What would you do to make the most of it?

I would move closer if it mattered to me (I am not yet sure how I’ll feel if I am ever in that situation). But it’s on the parent to move to be with their child if they want to see them more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ To add to the OP's original hypothetical question, how about posing one to adult kids:

If you knew you would only see your mother/father 15 more times before they die, what would you do differently?

Nothing tbh.
I’d move for the kids but not for the parents. I did move one parent closer to me but not the other way around. And I didn’t move them because I wanted to see them more often but because I wanted to keep an eye on them so that they have a clean house, are fed and have medical care.
I don’t really enjoy conversing with them too often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you planning to die at 75? My parents lived to 95, and my oldest siblings are in their 70s with no signs of slowing down.

Because I was diagnosed with Parkinson's at age 58

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd the parents want to see their children more, they can actually visit the children. Or, go live near them, if their kids are in a stable location.

My parents loved their house more.

Mine too. No desire to move closer to us. None at all. It's on both of us to meet up.

[Anonymous]

It's not really like that though. I'm an ocean away from my parents but each "one time" I see them is for a whole month of literally being together every day, going on outings, trips... My uncle is 2 hours away from them and they spend a lunch/afternoon together here and there throughout the year, but it doesn't amount to nearly as much time as that. So it's just different, more concentrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not really like that though. I'm an ocean away from my parents but each "one time" I see them is for a whole month of literally being together every day, going on outings, trips... My uncle is 2 hours away from them and they spend a lunch/afternoon together here and there throughout the year, but it doesn't amount to nearly as much time as that. So it's just different, more concentrated.

Yes, you can still have great times together even if it's not "weekly". One kid is launched (2K miles away), other still in college (opposite coast). We see the "launched kid" for about 5 weeks total per year, sometimes a bit more. We make the effort to visit them, plan trips that they can join us for. So it might just be a 4 day weekend or it might be a 10 day trip to Europe. We pay for them (and for any SO and will continue to do so). So while it's not weekly, we make the most of what we can and talked about a few times per week/chat.

We want them to launch their careers and be happy. That doesn't mean they must live near us. Now, we don't plan to move, but once they settle and grandkids arrive, we will be happy to visit for 2-3 weeks at a time several times per year and/or pay for them to visit us at the holidays/summer breaks/go on vacations together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 60+ and live in another state and meet every year, you are probably going to meet them 15 times, if twice a year than probably 30 more meetups before you die. Even that's not a given. Let that thought sink in. What would you do to make the most of it?[/quote]if you are the 60+ posting this, it is a manipulative way to think and share. If you are the child of the 60+, then you can do something about the quantity of meetups.

Disagree

What if someone feels sense of mortality with a medical diagnosus that says “won’t live beyond c years”?

[Anonymous]

I doubt many parents aren't moving because they live their house more but because with aging they are deteriorating and familiarity of house, neighborhood, health system etc is comforting and leaving all that to figure out a whole new life seems intimidating and they don't want to ruin their relationship with adult kids by moving near them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father lives across the country and I assure you that he does not care. He views me as an obligation. If I don't call him, he'll call me once every 2-3 weeks for us to have a stilted conversation mostly about what we are watching or reading. I try to get him to NOT tell me how he did a load of sheets and towels and is going to the grocery store tomorrow after he vacuums.

Hmmm... after reading your post, I can see why your dad finds it difficult to have a conversation with you.