DS has much older girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Also, I would tell her that if you catch a whiff of her around your son you will report her to her university --if she is a grad student she may well be teaching undergrads. She could lose any teaching job and ability to pay for school if she is engaging in acts that the school deems inappropriate. No university wants someone like that on their staff, because if they later get sued by a student, evidence that they knew their employee had a history of underaged relationships will cost them dearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What action? No calls, no contact? That's easy to get around.

Idiotic. By this logic, you never lay down any rules because kids could "get around" them. Please. The kid doesn't drive, does he? If he does, where does he get the keys and gas money? You can take away all financial resources and phones, get rid of your internet service, block her number, and closely monitor his whereabouts when he is not in school. Tell all his friends' parents and your neighbors what he is up to so they can watch out for him too. You can tell her to stay away in no uncertain terms and publicly shame her by making sure everyone in her circle is aware of what she is doing. You can freaking send him to boarding school in Timbuktu if it comes to that. I would go to any measure to protect the safety and welfare of my child if I thought he was endangered. WHICH HE IS. Because any 24 year old woman who would date a 15 year old is by definition MENTAL and therefore will harm your kid in some way. OP needs to start acting like a real parent and stop making excuses about why this is inevitable. Sure, talk to your kid too, but make sure you make it as difficult for them to see each other as possible too.

I agree. The OP's DS will remember this b1tch for the rest of his life. DD had a scummy BF-discovered more and more about him. Finale? Found out he had been dealing drugs.

[Anonymous]

While romantic relationships between teenagers and people in their twenties are not that rare and many people have had such a relationship that they remember fondly, I agree that it can be unhealthy in a number of ways and have a lasting negative effect on a person's ability to form romantic attachments with people their own age. It is also quite possible that the girlfriend has other mental problems that the OP's son is ill-equipped to deal with.

However, rightly or not, OP has treated her son as someone mature beyond his years and allowed the relationship to go on for some time. By suddenly deciding it needs to be stopped immediately at all costs, placing him in lock-down, telling people to spy on him, reporting his girlfriend to the university, she would be ensuring that he will treat her as the enemy and do everything in his power to get around her rules, rather than confiding in her and letting her help him make the right decisions.

Both parents should express their concerns to both the son and his girlfriend. They should talk to them together and separately, and they should be especially forceful when talking to the girlfriend as she is the grown-up in this situation and should be acting like one. They should also encourage the son to spend more time among people his own age, but not just any people. It could be the reason he is spending so much time with someone older is that he has few interests in common with his immature classmates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While romantic relationships between teenagers and people in their twenties are not that rare and many people have had such a relationship that they remember fondly, I agree that it can be unhealthy in a number of ways and have a lasting negative effect on a person's ability to form romantic attachments with people their own age. It is also quite possible that the girlfriend has other mental problems that the OP's son is ill-equipped to deal with.

However, rightly or not, OP has treated her son as someone mature beyond his years and allowed the relationship to go on for some time. By suddenly deciding it needs to be stopped immediately at all costs, placing him in lock-down, telling people to spy on him, reporting his girlfriend to the university, she would be ensuring that he will treat her as the enemy and do everything in his power to get around her rules, rather than confiding in her and letting her help him make the right decisions.

Both parents should express their concerns to both the son and his girlfriend. They should talk to them together and separately, and they should be especially forceful when talking to the girlfriend as she is the grown-up in this situation and should be acting like one. They should also encourage the son to spend more time among people his own age, but not just any people. It could be the reason he is spending so much time with someone older is that he has few interests in common with his immature classmates.

Yes, I agree with all of your points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While romantic relationships between teenagers and people in their twenties are not that rare and many people have had such a relationship that they remember fondly, I agree that it can be unhealthy in a number of ways and have a lasting negative effect on a person's ability to form romantic attachments with people their own age. It is also quite possible that the girlfriend has other mental problems that the OP's son is ill-equipped to deal with.

However, rightly or not, OP has treated her son as someone mature beyond his years and allowed the relationship to go on for some time. By suddenly deciding it needs to be stopped immediately at all costs, placing him in lock-down, telling people to spy on him, reporting his girlfriend to the university, she would be ensuring that he will treat her as the enemy and do everything in his power to get around her rules, rather than confiding in her and letting her help him make the right decisions.

Both parents should express their concerns to both the son and his girlfriend. They should talk to them together and separately, and they should be especially forceful when talking to the girlfriend as she is the grown-up in this situation and should be acting like one. They should also encourage the son to spend more time among people his own age, but not just any people. It could be the reason he is spending so much time with someone older is that he has few interests in common with his immature classmates.

Yes, the high school-college dynamic exists. When I was 17, I dated my 20 year old NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. Kind of different, a lot more accountability and my parents still put the kibosh on it. The OP's DS has almost a 10 year spread in age difference. 15 v. 24 is HUGE!

[Anonymous]

08:17 here. There is a big difference between 17/20 and 15/24, just as there is a big difference between 15/24 and 13/35, for example. I believe 17/20 is still considered normal by most people, just as 15/24 was considered normal a few decades ago (only with the genders reversed of course.)

Nowadays, 15/24 is not considered normal and with good reasons. It still happens (though, I hope, not nearly as often as 17/20) and, unless there are additional circumstances such as adultery or a huge power imbalance involved (think married teacher or step-parent) it need not become a huge traumatic event in a young person's life.

When it does become traumatic is when someone goes to jail. So while you might argue that the parents in this case are not concerned enough, I am just happy that they are not the type of people who will call the police and have the girlfriend arrested.

[Anonymous]

A question like this came up at the end of Carolyn Hax's live online chat on Friday (Washington Post)...Carolyn didn't have time to answer it so posted it on the Hax Philes, where readers weigh in on particularly tricky questions. The question came from the father of a teenage girl who was dating an older man...she was 15 and he 21. The dad's plan was to call the police immediately, and Carolyn asked for readers to give their input regarding this decision. Worth checking out, OP. I think it's the fifth topic down and had many responses...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/community/groups/index.html?pickForumPage=Forun

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the comments but I would hope the dad would give the fellow a chance to cease and desist. If convicted of statutory rape, he'd have to register as a sex offender. It's funky because the sex is surely consensual.

[Anonymous]

I don't know it doesn't sound so bad to me. Sure if the gender role was reversed I would be more concerned. But, I would make sure you talk to your son about birth control. Heck, maybe you should talk to both of them about it. And technically, your ds said they were not having sex so maybe they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know it doesn't sound so bad to me. Sure if the gender role was reversed I would be more concerned. But, I would make sure you talk to your son about birth control. Heck, maybe you should talk to both of them about it. And technically, your ds said they were not having sex so maybe they are not.

Really? I think its bad either way.