I had unrealistic expectations regarding end of life visitors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I would think it very intrusive to have people come visit in the end. If your dad has had dementia for years, then he’s been basically gone for a long time too. People probably said their goodbyes and grieved slowly over the years.

It is indeed intrusive.

I had to intervene to keep my ILs from visiting my mom in memory care.

Omg I made a mistake of asking my ex fil to accompany my dad for one errand after my mother’s death because no one else could be there, and then he kept showing up for everything else including the funeral and I didn’t know how to tell him not to!

[Anonymous]

I think it's worse with dementia. My mom suffered from dementia for 7 years. Everyone slowly disappeared from her life except her immediate family despite the fact that she was always very social and was always the one to keep in contact with relatives etc. My dad did not have dementia. A good number of people showed up for him in the end but I facilitated a lot of it by making phone calls etc. A handful of people weren't able to show up in the end because they were dealing with their own health crisis. All of it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty normal, everyone but us bailed on my MIL.

My MIL found that out when FIL passed away. The local people she thought would be flocking to his bedside didn't. Nor were they any support for her later.

np You have no idea what anyone else is going through so I find it very judgmental of your MIL. What has she done for her friends and family near their time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's worse with dementia. My mom suffered from dementia for 7 years. Everyone slowly disappeared from her life except her immediate family despite the fact that she was always very social and was always the one to keep in contact with relatives etc. My dad did not have dementia. A good number of people showed up for him in the end but I facilitated a lot of it by making phone calls etc. A handful of people weren't able to show up in the end because they were dealing with their own health crisis. All of it sucks.

having been through a lot of end of life stuff with elders i understand this. When dementia involves cruel behavior they alienate most friends before the end. Even when it's just decline, it's a painful reminder to those who don't have many years left. They don't want to spend too much time being sad and dreading what may come in their future. If they make it to the end of dementia-the person cannot, walk, talk or do anything independent. I am glad I could be there for a parent at the end, but if I were 88 years old I don't think I could handle seeing a close friend like that. It's a reminder the end is so very close. At least at my age I can be delusional and convince myself it won't happen to me or I will find a way to do death with dignity. It's easiest, but not easy, when the person is fully there cognitively and at peace with the end. They led a good life, opted out of chemo, are on good pain meds and can laugh with you even in their final days. Been there with an uncle. I am wondering if maybe your dad was like that. It's so much easier to say goodbye to someone who is ready and has wisdom, humor and perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are unrealistic about this. My parents are living it right now. Their friend group is in failing health because they're all of similar age (early part of the baby boom) and they all stupidly thought they wouldn't grow old, they could live in a snowy rural area forever, and that they would take care of each other. Well guess what, they're all old now, some of them are sick and others are dead, and their adult children have left the area and are overwhelmed just trying to care for their parents and have no time for their parents' friends. A few of the wives are younger, but not necessarily healthier, and not necessarily interested in providing a lot of support to anyone they aren't married to. Probably like 10% of the people are net caregivers, the other 90% are net recipients of care, and it's just not working. Maybe when some of the sickest people die or move away to be near their adult children, it could improve. But in general the whole system doesn't work, like anyone not in denial could plainly see.

I wish more adamantly child free ppl could read this. No amount of friends is doing to save them at the end

So, do you think most people have their children caring for them at the end of life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are unrealistic about this. My parents are living it right now. Their friend group is in failing health because they're all of similar age (early part of the baby boom) and they all stupidly thought they wouldn't grow old, they could live in a snowy rural area forever, and that they would take care of each other. Well guess what, they're all old now, some of them are sick and others are dead, and their adult children have left the area and are overwhelmed just trying to care for their parents and have no time for their parents' friends. A few of the wives are younger, but not necessarily healthier, and not necessarily interested in providing a lot of support to anyone they aren't married to. Probably like 10% of the people are net caregivers, the other 90% are net recipients of care, and it's just not working. Maybe when some of the sickest people die or move away to be near their adult children, it could improve. But in general the whole system doesn't work, like anyone not in denial could plainly see.

I wish more adamantly child free ppl could read this. No amount of friends is doing to save them at the end

So, do you think most people have their children caring for them at the end of life?

Yes, I think so. Maybe not 99% but I’d say 80%?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad had a couple of friends who visited consistently and a couple who didn't. I appreciated the friends who did, but didn't blame the friends who didn't.

We covered most hours with my dad day after day for more than two straight weeks. The doctor said he'd never seen a family do that. Toward the end, I found out I could hire someone to do some sitting and that gave us time to sleep at home and see our children.

[Anonymous]

Newsflash, it hard on old people to see your friends like this, especially if your parent doesn't to respond like they used to.
If this was a movie no one would watch it.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was gravely ill in my early 39s, I’ve learned people can not be expected to come through when things are hard Most think a text checking in is the work of a saint

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sorry.

I’m surprised more people haven’t mentioned that people are afraid to impose. I think a lot of people are severely afraid that they will be interrupting a sacred and private family time - “ stealing” valuable time with the loved one when they are not as close or important as family.

In reality the loved ones need a lot of support. This is a good reminder to reach out to people in this situation, and never assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was gravely ill in my early 39s, I’ve learned people can not be expected to come through when things are hard Most think a text checking in is the work of a saint

This is my mother. Throughout life she didn't visit her sister of brother when they were dying or her cousin or even close friends, but she considers herself a saint and sings her own praises often because she sat on her tush and called them now and then. Keep in mind she was barely working then, we were long since out of the house and dad worked a lot so she had plenty of time. She tells us often of her sacrifices sitting on the coach, sipping coffee and making a call (and then going to the gym, getting her nails done and shopping at Whole Foods). She was doing the Lord's work folks and she feels people don't praise her enough for all her sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. People treat death and disease like like dementia/cancer etc. like they can catch it.

Sad but it is what it is.