I had unrealistic expectations regarding end of life visitors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I would think it very intrusive to have people come visit in the end. If your dad has had dementia for years, then he’s been basically gone for a long time too. People probably said their goodbyes and grieved slowly over the years.

Yes, I would not let the movies inform your reality.

At the end, is it really better for the dying person to have weeping people at their bedside? It's probably more peaceful for them not to have to feel, hear, or deal with all the emotions of other people.

Treat people well when they are well. Be their friend when they are well.

I never feel like I have to be at the bitter end although I have been there three times for people. I had all the decades before that to tell people I loved them, to be a good person, to treat them well...

To put all this emphasis on the dying moments doesn't make logical sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Friends who you are comfortable having a beer with and watching a game. And friends who you are comfortable with going to sit by their death bed are not the same.

Also, even people who were comfortable with the later may have worried that they were not wanted or that they would intrude. Sometimes if you want people to show up you need to ask them directly.

[Anonymous]

My dad’s close friends occasionally visited with him when he had advanced dementia.

After he passed away, they all said how hard visiting him was on them. That it was incredibly difficult to see your friend suffering in this way. These were lifelong buddies of my Dad, and my Dad would have completely understood.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people are unrealistic about this. My parents are living it right now. Their friend group is in failing health because they're all of similar age (early part of the baby boom) and they all stupidly thought they wouldn't grow old, they could live in a snowy rural area forever, and that they would take care of each other. Well guess what, they're all old now, some of them are sick and others are dead, and their adult children have left the area and are overwhelmed just trying to care for their parents and have no time for their parents' friends. A few of the wives are younger, but not necessarily healthier, and not necessarily interested in providing a lot of support to anyone they aren't married to. Probably like 10% of the people are net caregivers, the other 90% are net recipients of care, and it's just not working. Maybe when some of the sickest people die or move away to be near their adult children, it could improve. But in general the whole system doesn't work, like anyone not in denial could plainly see.

[Anonymous]

My mom had lots of visitors... because she was only 60 and so most of her friends were in their 50s or 60s. I think that is realistic, but once you get to the age where you are outliving many friends, unfortunately there is no one left to visit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty normal, everyone but us bailed on my MIL.

My MIL found that out when FIL passed away. The local people she thought would be flocking to his bedside didn't. Nor were they any support for her later.

[Anonymous]

My dad at that stage could not swallow or use the bathroom on his own and had lost language. He could only communicate through noise and blinking. Knowing him before dementia, he would have been DEVASTATED for his friends to see him like that. Plus his friends were in various stages of unwell themselves and the ones who were well were getting depressed watching so many peers die. Have grace for those who don't come, and appreciate those who are there. In the end they often die alone by choice. Hospice had to ask us to give him space and that is when he finally passed.

[Anonymous]

It really takes an extraordinarily person to visit someone with severe dementia. It makes them face their own mortality plus it’s super depressing and you wonder if it even matters.

My aunt’s BFF has Alzheimer’s and I know she visits fairly regularly. Her mother and husband also had Alzheimer’s so she knows the drill and I think has managed to emotionally steel herself against it, or find some way to deal with it. But most people are just too upset by it to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens this way a lot. The friends are of similar age so they're just too unwell to visit.

This. My mother died very young and tons of people were coming to visit. Because they were young, too. And they had one friend dying, not a dozen.

[Anonymous]

When my Dad was in hospice (in patient), I felt like it was a very private time. His friends all had years of memories. He was not aware of the visitors. I was happy to just have immediate family.

[Anonymous]

When my mom died, her sisters didn’t show up and neither did her children except for me. I gave them lots of warning. I think my siblings were just too cowardly to see her on her deathbed.

[Anonymous]

I just went through this with a former coach. She had so many visitors that her family had to cut it off to only family members.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry. You may come to understand more as you face the death of more family and friends. It may not even be that they are ill. We all have a saturation point for life's challenges where we have to set our limits no matter how much we want to support others.

Already in middle age I have reached saturation point for helping in "emergencies" (I put it in quotes, because my family and DH's families tend to have false emergencies too) and for being there for dying moments and even funerals. I can still push myself for those I truly love who have been there for me and I fear reaching the point that even for those I love I have to say no to things so I don't break. When I dealt with the first few real emergencies, illnesses, dying days and deaths I didn't think I'd reach the point I have nothing left to give.

[Anonymous]

In the 55+ community where I live what we see more often is a person who is failing, needs a lot of help but does not get it from their adult children who live out of the area. Sometimes one of us will call them and they won't even take our calls much less do anything to help their parent. I find that multiple members of our community will go visit an ailing person in the hospital, in the nursing home, at hospice, and attend their funeral. Often we are the only ones who visit or attend.

So you are seeing one side of that issue whereas I am seeing the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really takes an extraordinarily person to visit someone with severe dementia. It makes them face their own mortality plus it’s super depressing and you wonder if it even matters.

My aunt’s BFF has Alzheimer’s and I know she visits fairly regularly. Her mother and husband also had Alzheimer’s so she knows the drill and I think has managed to emotionally steel herself against it, or find some way to deal with it. But most people are just too upset by it to deal with that.

This. If you father has advanced dementia, really what is the point in visiting someone like that? I dread going and seeing my own mother like this. I told my kids I would rather die alone that force them and/or their children to visit me if I am just a shell of a person who can no longer function. So friends are supposed to go gather around his bed and do what?