Entering the teen dating era

[Anonymous]

How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s come sooner than we planned but here we are trying to feel our way through this new terrain with our oldest. DD (not quite 16) seems to have an exclusive BF now.I want to be supportive but I don’t want things to get too serious or move too fast.

What does this look like in your house? What advice can you offer to newbie teen parents in this era?

What are your rules for dating at 15?

How often does your teen and their SO spend time together out of school?

How often in your house or theirs?

How much is too much? What limits do you put in place?

Have you connected to “get to know” the parents or keep that at a distance outside of text coordinating?

Thank you!

My kids are still in elementary but I recently read a book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. It was eye-opening! The statistics on sexually-transmitted diseases at high school level were appalling. And that was in 2006.

I have some really appalling stories about some of my daughter’s friends - both what her and her friends have shared and then a handful of times I had to look at her phone. Honestly that she has had sex at 17 with two boys and both were/are her boyfriends is a real win. She has friends that meet up for random sex with guys they meet on Snapchat, some friends that had a threesome….one acquaintance that had sex in her car with her drug dealer (this girl goes to a $$$$ private and comes from a very wealthy family ), lots of random drunk sex at organized park parties, leaked sex tapes of 15 yo…I could go on and on. A lot of kids have zero experience but the ones that do….ay ay ay

There are TONS of bjs in high school. Most of them don’t consider it sex. The Starbucks bathroom is a popular spot. Have them get the Gardisil vax!!

It’s more late middle school this starts. Mall parking lot staircases, top level, etc…

I am wondering - do the guys reciprocate because I am definitely teaching my girls that pleasure is not one way. I am fine with teen sex if it’s consensual and reciprocal. Giving a guy a just a BJ is gross and demeaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

All the time, like 5 times a week. But my daughter drives and he lives 5 minutes away. And pretty much all of their friends are mutual friends. She’s toned down her extracurriculars this year bc it was too much, her fall sport is over and her part time job is only a few hours a week. Sometimes they might only meet up for an hour and sit and do homework together but that’s easy to do. If she’s out with her girlfriends they end up meeting up with him and his friends.

Do they go to different schools ? Or have different social groups? It’s not a bad thing. I know a bomb is going to go off in my daughter’s life when they break up bc their lives are enmeshed. Her first bf was like this too and it’s still messy at school almost 2 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our rules were (kids are older now):
- No being at either house if a parent wasn't home
- No being behind closed doors (if in the basement, our teen hangout area, that door stays open)
- No being upstairs - upstairs is only bedrooms
- Keep us posted as to where you are (this was a rule before the dating stage)

My parents had all these rules. I did not stop us from having sex, But we were smart and used birth control. They definitely drilled into to us having a baby as a teen of out of wedlock would ruin our lives and to use birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

This is about what we are comfortable with and feel is appropriate. I see zero reason to get so serious so fast. Once per week is plenty outside of school. Academics, sports, other ECs, and her girl group friendships need to come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First real boyfriend started at her 15th birthday. She felt like we would expect to meet him before they started dating so we were introduced at the HS football game the day before the homecoming dance.

We don’t really have rules except they can’t be alone in either house - a parent must be present. Also they couldn’t drive each until they had their licenses for six months - which is the law. Once they started driving I ask they they tell me when they are leaving and when they arrive someplace and let me know if plans change.

Other than school and school activities they really didn’t see each other a lot outside of school. it was only when parents could/would take them places. They tended to hang out at our house but sometimes would want to go to the movies or ice skating or something like that. The families shared the driving.

We did meet meet the mom shortly on (single mom) and within less than a year the families started spending time together - holiday dinners, beach time, etc.

The big surprise to me is how much time they spend on FT together. They just
Do their own things but stay on FT. Like he can be gaming and she can be reading but they’re on FT.

He treats my daughter very well. They show up for each other when it counts. Both families show up when something important is happening for one of them. Both kids are rule followers and really
Busy with school and sports. Both are straight A students and grades haven’t dropped. It has been surprisingly easy to navigate.

At 15/16 spending holidays and vacations together as families is WEIRD. So is constant face time while doing other things. Do they even see friends? This is way too deep.

+1

I agree. I have three kids in HS and they’re attractive and smart athletes- none have partnered up yet. I’m glad. Seems inappropriate to assume 15 YOs are having sex after three mos like PP wrote.

I didn’t even start menstruating till 16- was an athlete too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

All the time, like 5 times a week. But my daughter drives and he lives 5 minutes away. And pretty much all of their friends are mutual friends. She’s toned down her extracurriculars this year bc it was too much, her fall sport is over and her part time job is only a few hours a week. Sometimes they might only meet up for an hour and sit and do homework together but that’s easy to do. If she’s out with her girlfriends they end up meeting up with him and his friends.

Do they go to different schools ? Or have different social groups? It’s not a bad thing. I know a bomb is going to go off in my daughter’s life when they break up bc their lives are enmeshed. Her first bf was like this too and it’s still messy at school almost 2 years later.

This is abnormal. Your high schooler already had a two year “relationship” with a boy and is now in a new “relationship” where you know it will be a bomb in her life yet you allow the fuse to burn with daily GTG and making him the center of her world?

Teach her how to love herself, cause this is simply codependency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers for dating teens? In high school? I can’t even fathom the idea and it is certainly not one I’ll be wrestling with. Once in college, *maybe* if they want to bring home a serious person they are seeing. And even then it would certainly be in different bedrooms.

If its a healthy relationship, sex isn't a bad thing.

You have issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers for dating teens? In high school? I can’t even fathom the idea and it is certainly not one I’ll be wrestling with. Once in college, *maybe* if they want to bring home a serious person they are seeing. And even then it would certainly be in different bedrooms.

If its a healthy relationship, sex isn't a bad thing.

You have issues [/quote

I'm not the PP you replied to, but what issues do you feel this PP has? There are credible reasons to discourage sex among teens, of course, but it is not a crime and it is not shameful for people (including teens) to WANT to do it. It is literally a biological urge and whether we like it or not, it's age appropriate from an evolutionary perspective. Do not shame teens about it; can lead to lifelong issues regarding sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers for dating teens? In high school? I can’t even fathom the idea and it is certainly not one I’ll be wrestling with. Once in college, *maybe* if they want to bring home a serious person they are seeing. And even then it would certainly be in different bedrooms.

If its a healthy relationship, sex isn't a bad thing.

You have issues [/quote

I'm not the PP you replied to, but what issues do you feel this PP has? There are credible reasons to discourage sex among teens, of course, but it is not a crime and it is not shameful for people (including teens) to WANT to do it. It is literally a biological urge and whether we like it or not, it's age appropriate from an evolutionary perspective. Do not shame teens about it; can lead to lifelong issues regarding sex.

That teens want to do it is totally healthy and normal. To support it by joyously celebrating blowjobs, threesome and sleepovers is not. That PP adult is not healthy. They sound sick and pedophilic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

All the time, like 5 times a week. But my daughter drives and he lives 5 minutes away. And pretty much all of their friends are mutual friends. She’s toned down her extracurriculars this year bc it was too much, her fall sport is over and her part time job is only a few hours a week. Sometimes they might only meet up for an hour and sit and do homework together but that’s easy to do. If she’s out with her girlfriends they end up meeting up with him and his friends.

Do they go to different schools ? Or have different social groups? It’s not a bad thing. I know a bomb is going to go off in my daughter’s life when they break up bc their lives are enmeshed. Her first bf was like this too and it’s still messy at school almost 2 years later.

This is abnormal. Your high schooler already had a two year “relationship” with a boy and is now in a new “relationship” where you know it will be a bomb in her life yet you allow the fuse to burn with daily GTG and making him the center of her world?

Teach her how to love herself, cause this is simply codependency.

No it was 2 years ago that she broke up - dated for 6 months but were good friends before that. This boy has been her friend for years as well. She didn’t date anyone with any seriousness for a year and a half.

I appreciate your concern, it’s valid to a degree, but my point was more that it’s a bomb bc of mutual friends and activities. They were together a lot before too, she’s pretty much spent her whole teen years surrounded by other people, as she has a lot of friends and is very extroverted. It does concern me, although she has plenty she does for herself.

If the kids don’t go to the same school or even are in different grades/friend groups these things can be kept more seperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers for dating teens? In high school? I can’t even fathom the idea and it is certainly not one I’ll be wrestling with. Once in college, *maybe* if they want to bring home a serious person they are seeing. And even then it would certainly be in different bedrooms.

If its a healthy relationship, sex isn't a bad thing.

You have issues [/quote

I'm not the PP you replied to, but what issues do you feel this PP has? There are credible reasons to discourage sex among teens, of course, but it is not a crime and it is not shameful for people (including teens) to WANT to do it. It is literally a biological urge and whether we like it or not, it's age appropriate from an evolutionary perspective. Do not shame teens about it; can lead to lifelong issues regarding sex.

That teens want to do it is totally healthy and normal. To support it by joyously celebrating blowjobs, threesome and sleepovers is not. That PP adult is not healthy. They sound sick and pedophilic.

But that PP did nothing to suggest she celebrates such things. I think you may have replied to the wrong PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers for dating teens? In high school? I can’t even fathom the idea and it is certainly not one I’ll be wrestling with. Once in college, *maybe* if they want to bring home a serious person they are seeing. And even then it would certainly be in different bedrooms.

If its a healthy relationship, sex isn't a bad thing.

You have issues

DP. When is fine for teenagers to begin their sex life?

It’s kind of weird to educate them sex is bad, and at 18 switch it up that it’s fine. It’s also a continuum, they first start interacting with the opposite sex, then they transition into deeper relationships and then intimacy.

It has to do with how the teenager is developing, level of maturity etc. Also if you make it clear that to you sex is shameful and not approved if, that’s going to drive them away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

All the time, like 5 times a week. But my daughter drives and he lives 5 minutes away. And pretty much all of their friends are mutual friends. She’s toned down her extracurriculars this year bc it was too much, her fall sport is over and her part time job is only a few hours a week. Sometimes they might only meet up for an hour and sit and do homework together but that’s easy to do. If she’s out with her girlfriends they end up meeting up with him and his friends.

Do they go to different schools ? Or have different social groups? It’s not a bad thing. I know a bomb is going to go off in my daughter’s life when they break up bc their lives are enmeshed. Her first bf was like this too and it’s still messy at school almost 2 years later.

Same school. But different classes/interests (and some in common). But they are both busy and 1 doesn't drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are your kids seeing their bf/gf?

Mine is 17 and they've only been dating a few months but don't really see each other much. Lots of texting and they usually hang out 1 day/week (sometimes for an hour or so after school).

Is this the norm?

It's just so different now. When I was dating in HS/college I def was with my Bf a lot more than that.

This is about what we are comfortable with and feel is appropriate. I see zero reason to get so serious so fast. Once per week is plenty outside of school. Academics, sports, other ECs, and her girl group friendships need to come first.

They are far from "serious." But also seem to be moving VEEERRRRY slow (which is fine with me but I just wonder if this means they really "aren't that into each other.") We def aren't bringing him on vacations or family outings and we haven't met the parents (other than to say hello and put names to faces).