Entering the teen dating era
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Anonymous
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It’s come sooner than we planned but here we are trying to feel our way through this new terrain with our oldest. DD (not quite 16) seems to have an exclusive BF now.I want to be supportive but I don’t want things to get too serious or move too fast.
What does this look like in your house? What advice can you offer to newbie teen parents in this era? What are your rules for dating at 15? How often does your teen and their SO spend time together out of school? How often in your house or theirs? How much is too much? What limits do you put in place? Have you connected to “get to know” the parents or keep that at a distance outside of text coordinating? Thank you! |
Anonymous
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In the case of my 15 yo, I knew him pretty well, as they had been friends for years. I also am friends with his mom and dad, know the siblings. I might feel differently about things had I not known him or his family at all.
Our rules: I prefer they hang out at our house and I check on them frequently. If they are at his house, a parent is home and doing the same, but that isn’t often. They go on dates to public places and are driven and dropped off by either us or his parents. They do a lot of family outing together. He comes to the beach with us, or to see a play, same for her with his family. I do spot check her phone (and I remind her I do this) occasionally and we went over phones rules (don’t send any pictures of yourself you wouldn’t want to see in a newspaper, don’t send texts you wouldn’t want his mom or me to read). They only see each other in classes and on weekends and not every weekend. |
Anonymous
| I would introduce yourself by text to parents. Maybe pick a time you know they will be at your house and text to introduce yourself, tell them you understand xx is coming over and you wanted them to have your number in case they ever need it. That at least opens communication. My house rules at that age were they could hang out only when a parent was home, not in BR. They were often in the basement TV room and I’d pop down to do laundry and say hello periodically, but I left them alone plenty. I also suggest you invite significant other to dinner so you spend sometime with the family not just your DD alone. |
Anonymous
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Have your own rules
But it won’t matter, they will find a way if they want to. Just communicate, offer birth control, say your piece, and just be supportive of a healthy relationship |
Anonymous
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First boyfriend at 15 - not a lot of rules, bc they were friends first for many months and hung out together just them sometimes. Once I figured out they were dating it was kinda too late to do any open door stuff - but I’m not really that kind of parent. His parents didn’t let them stay there when they weren’t home, but I found out later they found ways around that. At our house one of us was almost always home so I didn’t make a rule.
I was on text terms with his parents and we would chat at pick up, but nothing beyond that which I recommend (my best friend gets too chummy with the other parents and it always goes sideways). You probably won’t keep them from having sex (mine did and I don’t think based on texts I read later I could have stopped them) but I do recommend you don’t give in to sleepovers even months later. You say you won’t know but I know a lot of parents that give in to that. |
Anonymous
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Our rules were (kids are older now):
- No being at either house if a parent wasn't home - No being behind closed doors (if in the basement, our teen hangout area, that door stays open) - No being upstairs - upstairs is only bedrooms - Keep us posted as to where you are (this was a rule before the dating stage) |
Anonymous
| If she isn't on BC yet do that stat. And make sure condoms are stocked and she knows where they are. We have all the normal rules (someone must be home, no closed doors) but 15/16 and at about 3 months seems to be the time sex starts. We got to know the parents decently well, lots of texting to arrange pickups and the like. Usually they saw each other 1 or 2 weeknights a week and one weekend day but it all depended on sports/vacations/schoolwork. |
Anonymous
| +1 to the rules above but i also make sure they don't stop hanging out with their friends. Teen relationships tend to be all consuming and ditching your friends is not a good look. They need to balance it with the rest of their life!! Sports, EC, friends, academics etc. |
Anonymous
+1. This is one of my biggest concerns and a frequent point of conversation. I also agree that it’s better to keep parents at a cordial distance (if you didn’t already know them). My concern would be that the “family friends” dynamic can add an extra layer that accelerates the relationship even more. |
Anonymous
| My ds is older now but when he first started dating his girlfriend they were together ALL the time. Same school, classes, sport, same friends so not like they were isolating, but it was a lot. His grades were the same (very good), it didn't affect anything in any way so we let it go even though it did feel like "too much". Plus we like the girlfriend a lot, which helps. Would probably have been very different if we felt the relationship was not good. We have similar rules to the ones stated above, as well as a curfew time since ds drives. |
Anonymous
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First real boyfriend started at her 15th birthday. She felt like we would expect to meet him before they started dating so we were introduced at the HS football game the day before the homecoming dance.
We don’t really have rules except they can’t be alone in either house - a parent must be present. Also they couldn’t drive each until they had their licenses for six months - which is the law. Once they started driving I ask they they tell me when they are leaving and when they arrive someplace and let me know if plans change. Other than school and school activities they really didn’t see each other a lot outside of school. it was only when parents could/would take them places. They tended to hang out at our house but sometimes would want to go to the movies or ice skating or something like that. The families shared the driving. We did meet meet the mom shortly on (single mom) and within less than a year the families started spending time together - holiday dinners, beach time, etc. The big surprise to me is how much time they spend on FT together. They just Do their own things but stay on FT. Like he can be gaming and she can be reading but they’re on FT. He treats my daughter very well. They show up for each other when it counts. Both families show up when something important is happening for one of them. Both kids are rule followers and really Busy with school and sports. Both are straight A students and grades haven’t dropped. It has been surprisingly easy to navigate. |
Anonymous
At 15/16 spending holidays and vacations together as families is WEIRD. So is constant face time while doing other things. Do they even see friends? This is way too deep. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+2. WTH. |
Anonymous
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OP, a few thoughts. Are they the same age? One BF was older and with him, that meant HE had to date as if he was HER age. Her curfew. She wasn't allowed at parties of HIS age peers. We dropped and picked her up because she wasn't driving yet (although he was). So he may have been 17, but he had to date as if he was 15.
That was that boyfriend. Otherwise, we did encourage DD to get her driver's license as soon as she could. We encouraged her to drive herself whenever possible. The parents. Yes, some contact whenever possible. Some parents help with this more than others. One BF parent we really appreciated would, for example, call and let us know if parents were going to be out-of-town and the house was going to be empty. We knew to be on alert if we wanted to thwart alone time at BF's house. |