High-conflict custody battle: how long?

Anonymous
Yes, one parent may be motivated to obtain new material which may be relevant for their full custody case. That’s how they start.
Sometimes they purposefully set up stressful situations at pick up/ drop off to obtain more material for their case. (Often using text messages to tee up the conflict ahead of time).

There are many tools to seek out material in a parents favor— and sometimes it can get nasty— definitely crossing social norms. (Over communication, recording, physical following, pressuring etc.). From what I have seen one parent is really good at these tactics and the other tends not to be good at all (often naive and reactive).

They don’t call divorce court “the Rodeo” for nothing.
Anonymous
0p, See thread re: custody-visitation coordination apps. Regarding the perceived “abusive emails” from Former Romantic Partner and Child’s Parent, you might find helpful info there!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you are the primary earner, who is funding his lawyer? Personally, I would go into credit card debt over this unless I was very low income.


His parents. I am hesitant to hire a lawyer unless I really need to go to trial. His lawyer doesn’t scare me.


You don't need to be scared but you do need a lawyer.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You really need a lawyer to protect yourself and your kids. He can and will pursue this until your youngest is 18.



Longer if he is involved re college expenses.

Buckle up, OP, have been in your shoes.



I have been in your shoes too!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My guess is the H wants full custody since OP is primary earner. He is saying she works too much. All a guise for getting more money in child support from her in order to support himself.



So, it’s ok for a woman to want full custody for the child support but not the man? If op is the primary earner then he is the primary parent and should get full custody.


Sadly that’s not how the division of labor works in most households and higher-earning women are still the primary parent in most cases. Which will be easy to demonstrate.

But yes OP your ex can and will drag this out for seven years. Once your kids are old enough (11-13 ish depending on the judge) their views will be taken into account by the court.


OP here. I am the primary parent. Very easy to demonstrate this too. I am the higher earner. Thankfully my kids are 11 now and will probably be 12 by the time they see a judge. Honestly, it is not his love and care for the kids that is motivating him at all to go high-conflict. But I'm sure some of you understand this completely.


It depends. If you are going to go broke and lose , think twice. If you think you’ll be out lawyered you just might be

There is a lot you can get and do— that is free. There are social workers who have experience in this

run the numbers. Think with your head. You don’t want to tell us what happened? Everyone makes mistakes. Judges have seen a lot of mistakes and you should ask for a path to more time with your kids . Seek non legal help w that

—woman/mom
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you are the primary earner, who is funding his lawyer? Personally, I would go into credit card debt over this unless I was very low income.


His parents. I am hesitant to hire a lawyer unless I really need to go to trial. His lawyer doesn’t scare me.


You don't need to be scared but you do need a lawyer.


It depends. Is OP a lawyer or does she have a law degree? Does she have a JD friend who will help her for free?
Anonymous
Divorce lawyers HATE it when you go “pro se” but it’s a strategy in some cases (like highly litigious, emotional spouses).
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Divorce lawyers HATE it when you go “pro se” but it’s a strategy in some cases (like highly litigious, emotional spouses).


Yes I suspect his lawyer hates me as I have already filed objections to his crap motions and said it’s legal harassment. I have a lawyer friend who is helping me. But we are at beginning stages.
Anonymous
I love ya, lady! Keep at it!
I did this and it turned out successfully for me

I also was able to present my evidence to judge(s) directly. Judges love the underdog. I also learned to be lovely and kind. I smiled a lot and laughed lightly in court.

Where are you and what state?

I was up against a very high priced lawyer whose name is up and down the appeals court. I secretly taped her in her own law office!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:How long does a high-conflict custody battle take? We have just started. Ex served me out of the blue and is asking for full custody. Even though I have always been the primary parent and primary earner. Boys are tweens. His lawyer asked for a comprehensive custody evaluation which was granted. Ex is threatening in writing that this is going to go on for the next 7 years, basically until kids graduate high school.

He is delusional right? How long is this going to take? Kids and I are living apart now and our home is more peaceful now that I am not in an emotionally abusive relationship and kids know that. There was one incident of physical abuse that kids witnessed. I do not have a lawyer as I cannot afford one. Kids not interested in living with him at all. He is abusive over email now that I am not in the same living space. I put kids in therapy.

Any advice or words of wisdom?


1. You need to learn not to react and to let things sit for 24 hours or more
2. Say no to more evaluations. All
of them.
3. Go see free women’s groups. They exist.
4. He might (i would put money on it) over time. Mine took 4 years. Year five out we are GREAT. This was after my own “personal chernobyl” of a custody battle.
5. Do not consume alcohol or do any drugs or anytime. If this is not you, then none of this advice may apply.
6. If your kids are in therapy - no not expect to use any of it in court That is supposed to be therapeutic for them. if it’s not for that reason , WAIT for that treatment.
7. There is a lot written about spouses who go full custody against the the normally primary parent / look it up and inform yourself
8. Realistically it’ll go 50-50. Believe it.
9. Call his bluff. Let him have the kids. He won’t. He is doing it to get the upper hand and he is cheap - he wants a discount on his monthly amount owed to you.
10. Stay strong and get help.
Anonymous
Number four (4) is “He might mellow out over time.”
Anonymous
In my county there is access to free lawyers for displaced women going through divorce who are indigent.
Anonymous
That’s awesome.
OP- I meant to share - since you are living apart already and the kids are largely residing with you there are about a six to a dozen things you can “do wrong” relating to your spouse/baby daddy which will get a judge annoyed with you. Or can get a judge pissed. They seem little but you don’t want to tee off the judge. They have your friend look them up for you .

It’s basically anything under the umbrella of the Right to Parent. You have to support that, no matter how mean the person is to you

take baths and rest and relax your mind!!
Anonymous
OP, every text you write should be written as if the judge is looking over your shoulder. Every email commemorating a conversation you’ve had with your ex should be factual, calm, dispassionate. When you are in court, your demeanor should be calm. You’re the adult in the room, and your ex and his lawyer are nuts. Your focus should always be to make it clear you’ve got the best interests of your kids as the primary concern.
Anonymous
Use AI. You can use the free ChatGPT version
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