Only child trait?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are his parents for an entire WEEK?

A week isn’t that long. We’ve been leaving my now 3 year old with his grandmother for two weeks at a time since he was 9 months old. It’s fine.

Any particular reason you keep checking out of parenting your own kid? Just lazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My immediate reaction is this kid is not neurotypical.

Same. And that aunt is super dense to not realize it.

+1

That behavior in an older child could mean entities or bad parenting or inadequate prep to be in group settings.

In a 4 yr old it's something else, no matter how gleefully OP wants to make this a referendum on her sibling or IL being bad parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM: don’t take toddlers on international flights but also don’t leave them at home.

I am not upset with anyone for leaving a child with a loving caretaker for a week.

I do think the expectation that a 4 yr old will handle a week away from his parents with ease, in a house with multiple older kids and where his aunt is expecting him to just easily acclimate to their schedule, a little silly. 3/4 are notoriously hard ages for separation anxiety and pushing boundaries.

The situation sounds both like a PITA and also pretty predictable, honestly. OP is acting like she can't imagine why there's an issue which is especially dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, its parenting. My only doesn't behave like that but I feel bad for your kids if you just expect them to fit in and go with your flow and no individual attention or needs met. He's 4, in a different home and needs more attention, support and direction.

+1 -- I am one of 4 kids and I remember my younger brother having a really hard time when we went to stay with our aunt for a week without our parents. Little kids are highly attached to their parents. New at 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are his parents for an entire WEEK?

A week isn’t that long. We’ve been leaving my now 3 year old with his grandmother for two weeks at a time since he was 9 months old. It’s fine.

Two weeks is a crazy amount of time. A week ok, but two weeks is pure selfish.

Is it? My BIL just got diagnosed with cancer and my parents are displaced from a hurricane. Our kid is older but I could TOTALLY see a situation where DH and I both need to be gone for a week or two. With a 4 yo you might not have school as a barrier, but in my case, you might also not want to bring them into either situation. Don't judge until you know all the facts. The OP's family is blessed to have them as a resource.

Sure for a family emergency like a serious illness or a hurricane. PP makes it sound like this is a regular occurrence so the parents can take extensive foreign vacations. Those are different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings don't put up with this
even if parents don't shut-it-down, siblings will

I’m actually really unsure of how our kids should handle his misbehavior.

They are older and bigger so I tell them they can’t just hit him back. Plus we have a strict no hitting or hurting people rule in our house.

They have asked me what they are supposed to do when he starts getting mean and beating up on them.

If I have my eyes on him obviously I intervene. But if I don’t, how should I advise them to handle the situation?

I didn’t answer their question because I didn’t know the right answer.

Bumping this as I really am seeking an answer for this specific question.

You need to model how to do it when you intervene. I would take his hands and hold them firmly (but not too firmly) and make eye contact and say clearly "No hitting. We don't hit." And then move past it. An older kid should be able to do this with a 4 yo as long as it's just like "pesky little bro" aggression and the kid isn't out of control or anything.

I would also tell them to simply remove themselves from the situation as an alternative. If he starts hitting they can just get up and say "I don't want to play if you are hitting."

I saw OP said this was helpful. I agree with this approach. Temporary social shunning helps enforce norms. And you should verbalize the norms when announcing the exit. Tell your kids to inform you also, so you can keep eyes on your nephew while he's in a fighty mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, its parenting. My only doesn't behave like that but I feel bad for your kids if you just expect them to fit in and go with your flow and no individual attention or needs met. He's 4, in a different home and needs more attention, support and direction.

This is such an odd response. Who said no individual attention and needs were being met? Refusing to go buy a toy for them doesn’t mean their needs are not being met.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I honestly don’t think I can handle this. I’ve just finally started my life outside of the caretaking of our children back up again. Our kids are older and more responsible, but still never will be “easy” children. They are very opinionated, sensitive and stubborn too.. I have taken on other adult responsibilities.

I wanted to be that go to favorite aunt, so yes I go the extra mile. But now I’m just older, in my 50s and I’m tired. All our kids are gifted, which brings extra challenges. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd, and I get easily overwhelmed and exhausted.

I feel disappointed in myself for failing to meet their expectations and my own expectations.

It also didn’t help that this was just a “pleasure” trip for the parents. And part of me is disappointed in myself that I felt guilted into it and didn’t know my limits.

I mean nothing terrible happened. I just feel utterly drained, exhausted, and resentful, and I feel like a crappy person for not having warm and fuzzy feelings toward my nephew after a week of dealing with his shenanigans.

And to top it off, everybody here is dumping on me about how dense I am and unreasonable I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and he doesn’t act like this at all. Because we don’t allow that behavior. Meanwhile I know plenty of kids with siblings who kick, punch, yell at and throw things. Because their parents don’t do anything to mitigate that behavior.

It sounds like he is constantly in physical altercations with other kids at his preschool. By his account, he never hits, but a couple other kids are “trying to kill him” and kicking him 5x a day. Obviously some hyperbole there but you get the gist. He also gets into physical fights with his other cousins who are closer in age.

What does this have to do with being an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and he doesn’t act like this at all. Because we don’t allow that behavior. Meanwhile I know plenty of kids with siblings who kick, punch, yell at and throw things. Because their parents don’t do anything to mitigate that behavior.

PP here, I am one of three kids and my older brother was a nightmare and terrorized me and my younger brother. Hittin, kicking, throwing things, etc. My parents didn’t do anything to change that behavior, and it followed him into adulthood. Guess which two siblings still talk to each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are his parents for an entire WEEK?

A week isn’t that long. We’ve been leaving my now 3 year old with his grandmother for two weeks at a time since he was 9 months old. It’s fine.

That's debatable.

9 months old for 2 weeks? Where was so important that you would leave a literal baby for 2 weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I honestly don’t think I can handle this. I’ve just finally started my life outside of the caretaking of our children back up again. Our kids are older and more responsible, but still never will be “easy” children. They are very opinionated, sensitive and stubborn too.. I have taken on other adult responsibilities.

I wanted to be that go to favorite aunt, so yes I go the extra mile. But now I’m just older, in my 50s and I’m tired. All our kids are gifted, which brings extra challenges. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd, and I get easily overwhelmed and exhausted.

I feel disappointed in myself for failing to meet their expectations and my own expectations.

It also didn’t help that this was just a “pleasure” trip for the parents. And part of me is disappointed in myself that I felt guilted into it and didn’t know my limits.

I mean nothing terrible happened. I just feel utterly drained, exhausted, and resentful, and I feel like a crappy person for not having warm and fuzzy feelings toward my nephew after a week of dealing with his shenanigans.

And to top it off, everybody here is dumping on me about how dense I am and unreasonable I am.

Now you know your boundaries. Speak up next time. People are dumping on your because you made an assumption based on … nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I honestly don’t think I can handle this. I’ve just finally started my life outside of the caretaking of our children back up again. Our kids are older and more responsible, but still never will be “easy” children. They are very opinionated, sensitive and stubborn too.. I have taken on other adult responsibilities.

I wanted to be that go to favorite aunt, so yes I go the extra mile. But now I’m just older, in my 50s and I’m tired. All our kids are gifted, which brings extra challenges. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd, and I get easily overwhelmed and exhausted.

I feel disappointed in myself for failing to meet their expectations and my own expectations.

It also didn’t help that this was just a “pleasure” trip for the parents. And part of me is disappointed in myself that I felt guilted into it and didn’t know my limits.

I mean nothing terrible happened. I just feel utterly drained, exhausted, and resentful, and I feel like a crappy person for not having warm and fuzzy feelings toward my nephew after a week of dealing with his shenanigans.

And to top it off, everybody here is dumping on me about how dense I am and unreasonable I am.

You sound like an enormous drama queen. Not cut out for what? For watching your 4 year old nephew while also raising your own kids? You get that most people would simply not do this right? I have 6 nieces and nephews and I've babysat for all of them but I wouldn't have had any of them to stay with us for a week at age 4 because it just sounds like a bad idea.

They can't force you to watch their kid. Just say no. You are acting like a martyr -- making a huge deal out of wanting to do this and then dramatically complaining that it's too much. And then sitting around complaining about how they are terrible parents and so your unhappiness with this situation that you 100% chose for yourself is entirely their fault.

Just don't do this again. The end problem solved.

But you don't have to sit around criticizing ALL only children or parents of only children to try and make yourself feel better. Guess what some people have onlies because they have secondary infertility and can't have additional children. Other people stop at one for financial reasons or because they discover they have limits and don't think they can parent additional children well. Lots of only children are wonderful and lots of parents of only children are working hard to set limits and give their kids what they need (including saying no and teaching them to play well with others). Just because you had a bad week with your nephew is not a reason to go posting on the internet about how all only kids must be terrors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and he doesn’t act like this at all. Because we don’t allow that behavior. Meanwhile I know plenty of kids with siblings who kick, punch, yell at and throw things. Because their parents don’t do anything to mitigate that behavior.

PP here, I am one of three kids and my older brother was a nightmare and terrorized me and my younger brother. Hittin, kicking, throwing things, etc. My parents didn’t do anything to change that behavior, and it followed him into adulthood. Guess which two siblings still talk to each other?

+1 the most difficult and violent kid I know is the oldest of three who has rage and control issues and is constantly terrorizing her younger siblings as well as my kid because she really struggles to manage her emotions especially around jealousy and competition (she also may have ADHD or similar though I'm not a professional so I don't know -- I just know what I see).

TBH I do judge her parents sometimes and partly because they decided to have two more kids knowing she is like this and I think actually they could have spent more time addressing what are obviously serious issues with her but they wanted to have other kids and now they give those kids a lot more positive attention which only makes the behavior of the eldest worse because she's constantly negatively compared to her younger siblings.

Poor behavior in kids has little if anything to do with number of siblings in my experiencem. It's specific to the child's personality combined with how well the parents meet that specific child's need for guidance and attention and behavioral correction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I honestly don’t think I can handle this. I’ve just finally started my life outside of the caretaking of our children back up again. Our kids are older and more responsible, but still never will be “easy” children. They are very opinionated, sensitive and stubborn too.. I have taken on other adult responsibilities.

I wanted to be that go to favorite aunt, so yes I go the extra mile. But now I’m just older, in my 50s and I’m tired. All our kids are gifted, which brings extra challenges. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd, and I get easily overwhelmed and exhausted.

I feel disappointed in myself for failing to meet their expectations and my own expectations.

It also didn’t help that this was just a “pleasure” trip for the parents. And part of me is disappointed in myself that I felt guilted into it and didn’t know my limits.

I mean nothing terrible happened. I just feel utterly drained, exhausted, and resentful, and I feel like a crappy person for not having warm and fuzzy feelings toward my nephew after a week of dealing with his shenanigans.

And to top it off, everybody here is dumping on me about how dense I am and unreasonable I am.

You sound like an enormous drama queen. Not cut out for what? For watching your 4 year old nephew while also raising your own kids? You get that most people would simply not do this right? I have 6 nieces and nephews and I've babysat for all of them but I wouldn't have had any of them to stay with us for a week at age 4 because it just sounds like a bad idea.

They can't force you to watch their kid. Just say no. You are acting like a martyr -- making a huge deal out of wanting to do this and then dramatically complaining that it's too much. And then sitting around complaining about how they are terrible parents and so your unhappiness with this situation that you 100% chose for yourself is entirely their fault.

Just don't do this again. The end problem solved.

But you don't have to sit around criticizing ALL only children or parents of only children to try and make yourself feel better. Guess what some people have onlies because they have secondary infertility and can't have additional children. Other people stop at one for financial reasons or because they discover they have limits and don't think they can parent additional children well. Lots of only children are wonderful and lots of parents of only children are working hard to set limits and give their kids what they need (including saying no and teaching them to play well with others). Just because you had a bad week with your nephew is not a reason to go posting on the internet about how all only kids must be terrors.

Wow this was entire higher level of extrapolation and hyperbole. I never said the parents were bad parents. And I never criticized all only children. Stop putting words in my mouth.