“My friends warned me not to marry a white woman”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posters marry people with whom they are not compatible and then come here looking for magic.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But did he cook and clean while you dated? What made you all want to get married? You have to get back to that.

And I went to counseling with my ex. A few different counselors. They all told us to just hire a cleaning lady. Nope. I dumped the guy instead. I’m still annoyed with those counselors.

He did. He’s a great cook and kept a very clean house. He was also very progressive and feminist when we dated.

There’s been other stuff. He wants to talk a lot about European colonization and how horrible it was. Which it was, but I’m not really sure how to respond when he’s heavily implying he thinks I shouldn’t be here. Also various commentary on white people, like if we visit my family he’ll comment on how he’s freaked out by how many blonde people there are. If I pick up a hobby he’ll often comment how it’s a “white people thing”.

Why do you want your kids to hear language like this? It sounds to me like he is using this language as a way to isolate you from your support systems. This is controlling and abusive, not a social commentary.

If he is truly interested in historical analysis, educate yourself as to the history of the Aztec empire and its own colonialist practices, and why Cortés was able to so quickly enlist armies of native Mexicans to rise up against Moctezuma II. Ask him why the Tlaxcalan warriors so quickly sided with a foreign invader over the Aztec empire.

This isn’t to say that European colonialism wasn’t awful. Of course it was. But this revisionist history where the Aztec empire was a gentle force for good is ridiculously ahistorical idiocy, albeit something that is now pushed by the dim numbskulls that control a lot of liberal arts curriculums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didnt you marry someone with a more compatible outlook?

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want a parent with such racist and sexist views raising children.

100% but why settle in desperation and have kid after kid with a racist and sexist? Broken family is also not an ideal situation for raising kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, if you were dating we'd advise you to break up - right?

How is your relationship overall?

Yes, this sounds concerning! Also trollish.

Relationship overall has issues. I’ve posted before, often in the ADHD or domestic labor threads. Example, he took the cleaning card but has yet to clean. Doesn’t like having any expectations placed on him.

Is there anything but inertia keeping you in this relationship?

Main thing is kids. If we didn’t have them, I’d bail.

You will not change him. Either go with the flow and then make changes together or divorce. Your kids will benefit from you being home. Just choose a cheaper place to live that you can live on one salary. If he still is a jerk and eventually cheats at least your kids will have more money. If you are smart, you will still get a job later in life. Maybe take some classes to keep current.

If he wanted you to stay home because of religious reasons or because he worked overseas how would you live your life? Maybe just pretend that there is a better reason for you to stay home than him just wanting a stay at home mom. Many make a wonderful like this way. They are fit, they are close to their kids, and have lots of friends. Set aside a set amount of money for the kids each month for their needs and activities. If he wants more money he can earn it.

The possibility that perhaps OP does work she enjoys and/or thinks is worthwhile doesn't even occur to this PP. How...retro. And full disclosure, I'm a former longtime SAHM, though my DH never expected or demanded that I stay home. But OP should NOT just cave and stay home to placate her DH and MIL--which is really what this PP is advocating.

[Anonymous]

Op likes the Latin dominance and masculinity in bed but not the other 23 hrs of the day

Should’ve found a beta

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But did he cook and clean while you dated? What made you all want to get married? You have to get back to that.

And I went to counseling with my ex. A few different counselors. They all told us to just hire a cleaning lady. Nope. I dumped the guy instead. I’m still annoyed with those counselors.

He did. He’s a great cook and kept a very clean house. He was also very progressive and feminist when we dated.

There’s been other stuff. He wants to talk a lot about European colonization and how horrible it was. Which it was, but I’m not really sure how to respond when he’s heavily implying he thinks I shouldn’t be here. Also various commentary on white people, like if we visit my family he’ll comment on how he’s freaked out by how many blonde people there are. If I pick up a hobby he’ll often comment how it’s a “white people thing”.

It's not like he , his family and friends turned on the racism and misogyny switch one fine evening.

[Anonymous]

Don't quit your job, OP.

Marital instability makes it very risky to SAH

Lots of guys get more conservative as they get older. Make sure you can take care of yourself if you have to.

-SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is now offended by your existence and the existence of your family. Going to be hard to change that.

And OP by existence of him, his family and friends.

[Anonymous]

There can be big cultural differences between white and Latino families. Views about gender roles are one of them of course. My brother married a Latina and while they are compatible in many ways, there are some very real differences that they’ve been struggling through that seem to be rooted in their respective upbringings and cultures. From disciplining kids to the role of the men in the family, to education—it can run the gamut. Whether they can be overcome is hard to say.

OP, I’d be hurt at the comments but the fact is that he married you for a reason. Maybe it’s time to take action instead of trying to get buy in. Hire a cleaner and be done with it. As for his family, you aren’t the first wife whose MIL didn’t like her and there might not be anything you can do about it. Are there some family members you get along with? A cousin or someone? Try to focus on those relationships and the people who accept you for who you are.

I’d also be careful about discussion and comments in front of the kids so that they aren’t picking up on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass.

The opposite. Hispanic women cook and clean and don’t require any chores of their husbands (according to him, his mom and his friends). White women nag their men to clean.

I'm an Asian American woman married to white man, and he cleans. I would not put up with anything else.

When I was a sahm I did everything. But, now I work FT, and my salary affords us nice vacations and being able to retire early.

We teach our kids, both DS and DD, that a marriage is a partnership.

I really think people need to talk about what they expect out of a marriage BEFORE they get married.

To OP: you have two choices:

1. suck it up
or
2. keep nagging him.

You said you enjoy your job and don't want to quit. Then don't, especially because your DH sounds like an a$$, and you might end up divorced. Do not quit your job.

[Anonymous]

Tell him he probably should have listened to that advice but since he didn’t, he bears 50% of the responsibility in this marriage and he needs to hold up his end.

And if he isn’t doing the cooking or cleaning and thinks these are solely your tasks, then you do them how you want - including hiring a cleaner if that’s what you want to do and can afford it.

Also, start saving up for divorce because he sounds like a racist, misogynist prick, and at some point you’ll have had enough of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op likes the Latin dominance and masculinity in bed but not the other 23 hrs of the day

Should’ve found a beta

Only a man with low self esteem expects his wife to be his mommy. Gross. Should've married his mama, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op likes the Latin dominance and masculinity in bed but not the other 23 hrs of the day

Should’ve found a beta

Any more stereotypes you want to roll out?

(Try evolving. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he think all the white women in America become maids for their husbands? What an ass.

The opposite. Hispanic women cook and clean and don’t require any chores of their husbands (according to him, his mom and his friends). White women nag their men to clean.

When he starts complaining about white people, just start saying a bunch of bigoted things about latinos. Make sure to use an offensive accent.