Responding calmly and helpfully to a parent whose student waited until the day after the project was due to ask for help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My students have worked on a project since Day 2 of this school year. It was divided into four sections. Each week, they had two days to work on it during class. I’ve also provided extensive feedback on each step, identifying weak or missing areas and suggested revisions. 99% of my students turned in a successful project yesterday. One student told me her mom would email me. I thought there might be a message about some unexpected occurrence that kept the student from finishing. Prior to this, the student did not appear to be struggling exceptionally.

Today, I received an email from the mom saying that the child didn’t understand the assignment. In fact, she claims the child never understood what to do, she had to pay the math tutor to help with the project, and that the tutor disagreed with my feedback and suggested revisions. She sides with the tutor as she is a doctoral student in math. Note: I do not teach math and no math was involved in the project.

Mom’s parting shot is that her child will not turn in the assignment unless I Zoom with them tonight to go over each of the four steps. If I do not do this, she is threatening “legal action” over a failing grade.

I’m not afraid of the “legal action”. I’m a veteran teacher who has had nearly a thousand students successful complete this project, many with learning disabilities, serious socioemotional issues, or other challenges including homelessness.

I do worry that mom will try other ways to make my life a living hell for the next 8.5 months. Without caving, how can I respond to her patiently and helpfully.

You can accommodate disability and stop being so unprofessional. That’s what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Ms. Pushy,

The students had been working on this since Day 2 of school. They were given explicit instructions each step of the way, which Janice seemed to understand as she kept progressing in pace with the rest of the class.

At no point did Janice tell me she was struggling or ask for help. This project does not involve math, so it is unclear why a math tutor got involved. Regardless, I am available today and tomorrow during lunch if Janice would like to come see me to get back on track and this one time, I will give her an extension, to October 7, to turn in the completed project.

I am not available to do a Zoom meeting, and moving forward please do not threaten me. We have 8 months left of the school year, and I look forward to having a collaborative and productive relationship with each of my students (and by extension, their parents).

Best,
Mrs. Beasely

Thank you so much! This is strong, but calm and helpful.

Oh, I hard disagree fwiw. This is waving a red flag to a bull. You can’t win with a drama queen like this parent. It might feel good in the moment to say “don’t threaten me,” but it’s not a strategic play. You won’t fix this woman, so don’t try. Just protect yourself.

Lol, I'm very verbally aggressive and not afraid of anyone when I know damn well they're in the wrong.

I hope this isn’t the OP but there is no reward for being right in a situation like this. The mom is baiting the teacher. You can’t take the bait. Lie down with pigs, etc.

I doubt the “verbally aggressive” poster is the OP. If the OP were aggressive, she wouldn’t be reaching out for advice.

But I agree: you can’t argue with this parent. She’s looking for a fight, so don’t give it to her. Best thing you can do is let her show her true qualities to the main office.

Yes, the verbally aggressive one is me, Mrs. Beasley. I'm just not afraid of someone who wants to fight, and can easily make them afraid of me, quickly.

Yeah um, don’t take advice from Mrs. Beasley. You’ll just create headaches for yourself. You want to dodge this mom, not fight with her. Life is to short to waste time on people like that.

This x100. Be the adult in the room, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My students have worked on a project since Day 2 of this school year. It was divided into four sections. Each week, they had two days to work on it during class. I’ve also provided extensive feedback on each step, identifying weak or missing areas and suggested revisions. 99% of my students turned in a successful project yesterday. One student told me her mom would email me. I thought there might be a message about some unexpected occurrence that kept the student from finishing. Prior to this, the student did not appear to be struggling exceptionally.

Today, I received an email from the mom saying that the child didn’t understand the assignment. In fact, she claims the child never understood what to do, she had to pay the math tutor to help with the project, and that the tutor disagreed with my feedback and suggested revisions. She sides with the tutor as she is a doctoral student in math. Note: I do not teach math and no math was involved in the project.

Mom’s parting shot is that her child will not turn in the assignment unless I Zoom with them tonight to go over each of the four steps. If I do not do this, she is threatening “legal action” over a failing grade.

I’m not afraid of the “legal action”. I’m a veteran teacher who has had nearly a thousand students successful complete this project, many with learning disabilities, serious socioemotional issues, or other challenges including homelessness.

I do worry that mom will try other ways to make my life a living hell for the next 8.5 months. Without caving, how can I respond to her patiently and helpfully.

You can accommodate disability and stop being so unprofessional. That’s what you can do.

WTF? Is the disability raging entitlement??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My students have worked on a project since Day 2 of this school year. It was divided into four sections. Each week, they had two days to work on it during class. I’ve also provided extensive feedback on each step, identifying weak or missing areas and suggested revisions. 99% of my students turned in a successful project yesterday. One student told me her mom would email me. I thought there might be a message about some unexpected occurrence that kept the student from finishing. Prior to this, the student did not appear to be struggling exceptionally.

Today, I received an email from the mom saying that the child didn’t understand the assignment. In fact, she claims the child never understood what to do, she had to pay the math tutor to help with the project, and that the tutor disagreed with my feedback and suggested revisions. She sides with the tutor as she is a doctoral student in math. Note: I do not teach math and no math was involved in the project.

Mom’s parting shot is that her child will not turn in the assignment unless I Zoom with them tonight to go over each of the four steps. If I do not do this, she is threatening “legal action” over a failing grade.

I’m not afraid of the “legal action”. I’m a veteran teacher who has had nearly a thousand students successful complete this project, many with learning disabilities, serious socioemotional issues, or other challenges including homelessness.

I do worry that mom will try other ways to make my life a living hell for the next 8.5 months. Without caving, how can I respond to her patiently and helpfully.

You can accommodate disability and stop being so unprofessional. That’s what you can do.

Find a special ed teacher for that. This teacher actually seems to be working hard for the whole class... minus one kid who can't keep up or is too lazy. God forbid she didn't stop an entire month's inertia of progress for one kid who wouldn't finish the last 1/4 of work. That's why it's called grade appropriate work and this kid doesn't make the cut.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like Mom is planning on doing the assignment, which is why Mommy needs you to go over the instructions, etc. Not sure how you would prevent this and it sounds like Mom probably does the homework in a lot of classes and bullies teachers into complying. In this situation she makes sure you are wary of ever accusing her child of cheating etc. This is not going to end well for the child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like Mom is planning on doing the assignment, which is why Mommy needs you to go over the instructions, etc. Not sure how you would prevent this and it sounds like Mom probably does the homework in a lot of classes and bullies teachers into complying. In this situation she makes sure you are wary of ever accusing her child of cheating etc. This is not going to end well for the child

Yup, mom needs zoom instructions for Larla.

Yes, link all the instructions and rubrics and cc your admin and department head.

Poor Larla this mom is not doing her any favors

[Anonymous]

Team OP. That mom is doing her daughter such a disservice. She thinks she’s helping her get ahead by doing whatever it takes to get good grades, but instead she’s pulling her farther and farther behind.

If I were writing the email to Momzilla, I would be tempted to point out that one of the main purposes of middle school, where grades don’t really matter, is to help children prepare for high school, where they do. The overarching purpose of the project is not to show how (I’m making this up) methods of communication changed from Ancient Egypt to Gutenberg’s Europe, but to teach students how to chunk up a big project, plan their work, budget their time, receive and incorporate feedback, etc., so they can stay on top of things when the stakes go up. That’s why you built in all those class work days, draft submissions, etc. It’s to help them expand their executive toolbox and practice communicating with their teacher in a more complex, mature way.

Sigh. I’m sorry, OP. If I knew you, I would buy you several drinks.

[Anonymous]

Does the kid have an IEP or 504?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the kid have an IEP or 504?

If parents who asked this type of question care more about their kids, they'd ask for actual solutions that would help the outcome for their kids. Instead they dump their kids in an environment they're wholly unable to succeed in unless they can successfully threaten the school and extort them into leveling the playing field for everyone by starting the dig from 6 feet under so now every kid has to climb out of the resultant just get back to what should be normal.

[Anonymous]

Hi, teacher here. I would not respond in writing. I would call the parent directly and calmly state that you'll meet with the student one time and give one extra week to submit. Tone is hard to read in even the most carefully worded emails. But, I would let your principal know, in writing, what you said and what the parent said on the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, teacher here. I would not respond in writing. I would call the parent directly and calmly state that you'll meet with the student one time and give one extra week to submit. Tone is hard to read in even the most carefully worded emails. But, I would let your principal know, in writing, what you said and what the parent said on the call.

Oh, I absolutely would put it in writing. That sounds like the kind of parent to misrepresent what OP told her. OP, you have gotten good advice and we want to hear the update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does a kid with parents like that survive as an adult? I've always wondered. I've never met them IRL but you hear these stories. I can't imagine that they function well with a job or any responsibilities, but I can't imagine that they are all trust fund kids either who never need to work.

I know 2 parents who are like this, and their children attend highly-rated, public-ivy law schools. Snow-plowing works. The scary thing is, these snow-plowed kids are going to be the ones who end up in the halls of power, and they have no idea that most families don't function this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Ms. Pushy,

The students had been working on this since Day 2 of school. They were given explicit instructions each step of the way, which Janice seemed to understand as she kept progressing in pace with the rest of the class.

At no point did Janice tell me she was struggling or ask for help. This project does not involve math, so it is unclear why a math tutor got involved. Regardless, I am available today and tomorrow during lunch if Janice would like to come see me to get back on track and this one time, I will give her an extension, to October 7, to turn in the completed project.

I am not available to do a Zoom meeting, and moving forward please do not threaten me. We have 8 months left of the school year, and I look forward to having a collaborative and productive relationship with each of my students (and by extension, their parents).

Best,
Mrs. Beasely

Leave off the last paragraph. Just ignore the zoom request, don't respond to it. But you could say that you are open to a conference if needed in the future.

Agree about ignoring the Zoom request but I'd not antagonize the mom and obviously teh student did not understand he project as she said her mom would email her. So no this is just not an accurate email that PP wrote. Just say you're happy to have a conference in the next week at a mutually agreeable time.

Look, the mom is crazy. But the student may be dealing with other things going on. She might have undiagnosed speical needs or be in an abusive situation. You just don't know. I'd err on the side of being understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Ms. Pushy,

The students had been working on this since Day 2 of school. They were given explicit instructions each step of the way, which Janice seemed to understand as she kept progressing in pace with the rest of the class.

At no point did Janice tell me she was struggling or ask for help. This project does not involve math, so it is unclear why a math tutor got involved. Regardless, I am available today and tomorrow during lunch if Janice would like to come see me to get back on track and this one time, I will give her an extension, to October 7, to turn in the completed project.

I am not available to do a Zoom meeting, and moving forward please do not threaten me. We have 8 months left of the school year, and I look forward to having a collaborative and productive relationship with each of my students (and by extension, their parents).

Best,
Mrs. Beasely

Thank you so much! This is strong, but calm and helpful.

Oh, I hard disagree fwiw. This is waving a red flag to a bull. You can’t win with a drama queen like this parent. It might feel good in the moment to say “don’t threaten me,” but it’s not a strategic play. You won’t fix this woman, so don’t try. Just protect yourself.

Lol, I'm very verbally aggressive and not afraid of anyone when I know damn well they're in the wrong.

I hope this isn’t the OP but there is no reward for being right in a situation like this. The mom is baiting the teacher. You can’t take the bait. Lie down with pigs, etc.

I doubt the “verbally aggressive” poster is the OP. If the OP were aggressive, she wouldn’t be reaching out for advice.

But I agree: you can’t argue with this parent. She’s looking for a fight, so don’t give it to her. Best thing you can do is let her show her true qualities to the main office.

Yes, the verbally aggressive one is me, Mrs. Beasley. I'm just not afraid of someone who wants to fight, and can easily make them afraid of me, quickly.

Yeah um, don’t take advice from Mrs. Beasley. You’ll just create headaches for yourself. You want to dodge this mom, not fight with her. Life is to short to waste time on people like that.

This x100. Be the adult in the room, OP.

+1
Don't fight with the mom. Try to figure out how to help the student. Separate your annoyance at the mom from a student who is struggling and with that kid of person for a mom it's no wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope the mom finds your post. You should lose your job.

Why would you say that? I can understand the teacher's anger. I think parents should advocate for their child but this mother is out of line.
My own child was in a similar situation once a few years ago but I offered profuse apologies and said my child needed help and I did not realize it. My child does have special needs.