How do you motivate your ADHD kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 9th grader with many of these same issues. It sounds to me like you are not scaffolding enough on the small things at home and hoping your kid will be motivated when she fails at the big things. But IME, failing at the big things just feeds into the "I'm not good enough" cycle.

I am giving my kid WAY MORE at home support than a typical 9th grader would need. But I am meeting her where she is, getting her into a virtuous cycle of doing the work and feeling success from that, and hopefully will be able to very very gradually reduce the training wheels as she gets older and develops some muscle memory for these skills.

Right now, every night, we put her phone in one room and sit together in another room while she works through assignments one by one. I check that she actually submits the things she says she submits. I coach her to complete the things that are accessible/easy before tackling those that feel hard, and then offer support if and when she gets stuck. If she is working independently, I set a timer and check in every 20 minutes to make sure she is making forward progress. We talk ALL THE TIME about "eating the elephant one bite at a time." She gets her phone for 5 mins when each assignment is complete as a brain break.

When homework is done each day, I walk her through preparing her bag/materials for the next day and ensure she does it. I am on her about tardies (because she's easily distracted) and developing routines so that her butt is where it needs to be during the day. On weekends, I help her look ahead and get ahead on any assignments that she might be able to do early.

She is thriving! And she's motivated, because she is learning what it feels like to have her shit together and not always be missing things. She's turned in every assignment, problem solved with an advisor when something went wrong, and is getting As and Bs on tests and quizzes. There will be downs (I am certain), but she's learning what "up" feels like. And that is so, so valuable.

So this is from like 4pm until 9 or 10pm every day?

Nope. Kid is at a school with a manageable homework load (but they don't have the focus to tackle much during the school day or study halls). The first 2 weeks it took a lot longer because kid was building LOTS of new skills, learning new systems/tech, and figuring out teacher preferences for turning in work, assignment cadence, etc. And her brain was fried because the school days were also all new and exhausting. Maybe 7-10 pm. Next two weeks was more like 7-8:30 or occasionally 9 pm. A few hours each weekend afternoon, which includes getting ahead on everything possible. I can cook or do dishes or my own admin work on the side now, and kid rarely actually needs my help on anything. But she needs the idea that I'm available and sometimes she needs me to help figure out how to begin an assignment that feels overwhelming.

Our relationship is better because we are working together toward a shared goal vs. me always being on her about what she's messing up. And because I have a lot of visibility into her workload and the assignments, I am not on edge about when the next shoe is going to drop. I work and I have an older kid who is neurotypical. I know (and she knows!) this level of support is not typical for a 9th grader. But I only have her for a few more years and I'm going to do my very best to build her up in the time I have.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly my 9th great DD. Following this thread closely.

Anonymous wrote:DD is above average intelligence generally, superior verbally. ADHD mixed-type, high-functioning ASD (she's blending pretty well). She's a freshman in a private high school. She loves the school and we love the school. But she's not finishing her assignments. She either forgets about them, stops working on them if she gets stuck, or rushes through so she can watch anime or play games on her phone. She has a planner, which she is not completing and doesn't check anyway. She does not have much homework (it should be done at school) and one extracurricular activity that doesn't take up much of her time. She spends her weekends contemplating her navel in her bedroom and watching anime. It's a Herculean effort to get her out of her room. The school is on top of this. We have tried to be, too. We've been checking her grades, asking her if she completed assignments, etc. And yet.

This is so infuriating. She's a smart kid. But-for the incomplete assignments, she'd have A- and As. She's constantly talking about medical school, and I'm like, seriously? You understand that you have to do the work, right? You don't get graded on how much time you spent watching Crunchyroll. Same with the sport. She complains about not getting playing time, but she refuses to practice with us in the backyard, when asked.

Now she's freaking out because the school is getting more hands-on in addressing the schoolwork issue. Whenever we set expectations, we get an epic meltdown: she's a failure, she can't do anything right, no one believes in her, she'll never be happy. It seems like she's trying to deflect, to be honest. I've told her repeatedly that I'm fine with her grades, so long as she does the work and gives it her best, so it's not like she's facing grade pressure.

I know she's transitioning to high school, but WTF is she thinking? It seems pretty basic that if you don't do the work or put in the practice, you don't get the grade or the playing time. Also, more fundamentally, why doesn't she want to any effort into anything?

Does anyone have any advice on how to break through here?

[Anonymous]

Is there a “gold standard” book for executive function? For those who can’t afford therapy or a coach?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a “gold standard” book for executive function? For those who can’t afford therapy or a coach?

This is the best presentation I've ever heard to understand it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o36kImc3E68 Sorry if it starts in the middle. I can't figure out how to link it correctly. There's also a bunch of wasted time at the beginning, but the speaker is phenomenal.

Mind in the Making is a good book also. Agree Ann Dolin has great ideas. She has some free webinars also if you Google her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a “gold standard” book for executive function? For those who can’t afford therapy or a coach?

This is the best presentation I've ever heard to understand it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o36kImc3E68 Sorry if it starts in the middle. I can't figure out how to link it correctly. There's also a bunch of wasted time at the beginning, but the speaker is phenomenal.

Mind in the Making is a good book also. Agree Ann Dolin has great ideas. She has some free webinars also if you Google her.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who said I was following closely.
We have tried all of this with our DD. In 7th and 8th lots of hand holding and all the tools described here. It destroyed our relationship. We moved it to an EF tutor. We went through 3 who she hated or were not effective. School took on a lot of it last year and strategies were great but she didn't do the work and follow through the plan when she got home and spouse and I were exhausted and fighting all the time to manage it every night and other kid was neglected. We increased anxiety medication and changed ADHD meds 5 times and nothing made a massive difference. School got more involved in 8th but ultimately we moved her for 9th and we continue to have the same problems. And this is with all sorts of different consequences and structures over the years.
All of that is to say that sometimes there isn't one magic solution (or even 5 magic solutions). This is so hard. I am sending hugs to OP and following closely. It's so difficult.