How do you motivate your ADHD kid?

[Anonymous]

DD is above average intelligence generally, superior verbally. ADHD mixed-type, high-functioning ASD (she's blending pretty well). She's a freshman in a private high school. She loves the school and we love the school. But she's not finishing her assignments. She either forgets about them, stops working on them if she gets stuck, or rushes through so she can watch anime or play games on her phone. She has a planner, which she is not completing and doesn't check anyway. She does not have much homework (it should be done at school) and one extracurricular activity that doesn't take up much of her time. She spends her weekends contemplating her navel in her bedroom and watching anime. It's a Herculean effort to get her out of her room. The school is on top of this. We have tried to be, too. We've been checking her grades, asking her if she completed assignments, etc. And yet.

This is so infuriating. She's a smart kid. But-for the incomplete assignments, she'd have A- and As. She's constantly talking about medical school, and I'm like, seriously? You understand that you have to do the work, right? You don't get graded on how much time you spent watching Crunchyroll. Same with the sport. She complains about not getting playing time, but she refuses to practice with us in the backyard, when asked.

Now she's freaking out because the school is getting more hands-on in addressing the schoolwork issue. Whenever we set expectations, we get an epic meltdown: she's a failure, she can't do anything right, no one believes in her, she'll never be happy. It seems like she's trying to deflect, to be honest. I've told her repeatedly that I'm fine with her grades, so long as she does the work and gives it her best, so it's not like she's facing grade pressure.

I know she's transitioning to high school, but WTF is she thinking? It seems pretty basic that if you don't do the work or put in the practice, you don't get the grade or the playing time. Also, more fundamentally, why doesn't she want to any effort into anything?

Does anyone have any advice on how to break through here?

[Anonymous]

hugs. I don't have advice, as I'm battling the same thing with my 8th grade son. I just keep telling myself that he is 3 years younger mentally than his age, and pray the accountability/motivation factor will eventually kick in. I've noticed improvement, but in reality, he'll likely never reach his full potential. My son's psych suggested we have him write goals, ie more playing time, better grades, and then list how someone else would accomplish this. Then compare that list against what he actually does and ask if he's capable/willing to do the differences. Sometimes he's honest and says probably not, although he "wants" to.

Over the past couple of years, I've realized he's exactly like my mom. She's widowed and retired and perfectly content to sit in her recliner all day playing farmville and watching price is right, but then saying how she'd love to volunteer at the local animal shelter if only she didn't xyz (you pick the excuse). If only one thing I've gleaned is I don't let my son make excuses. I have no idea if he believes it or not, but I do have him repeat out loud WHY whatever he wants is not happening, and how he could change it.

[Anonymous]

ps me again - you've described my son to practically a T, save the meltdowns. Now I'm worried that's what we'll face next year as a freshman.

[Anonymous]

To quote my now successfully employed dd “internal fear is the only motivator”. It comes from within.

[Anonymous]

For ADHD kids, it’s not necessarily lack of motivation but lack of the executive function skills to make themselves do what needs to be done. We’ve focused on process- make the kid make a list and verbalize a plan for getting it done. In times of struggle, have them sit next to us at the dining room table while we do our own work (or whatever but give them someone to body double). For a while in 9 th grade we were much more hands on than a typical high schooler needs, but now in 11th grade they are pretty self sufficient. We also outsourced a lot of nagging to an executive function coach at the end of 9th grade.

For her sport, when she’s in a good frame of mind, talk to her about what kinds of practice would help her improve. Ask explicitly if it’s worth it to her and if she wants help in making and sticking to a plan. Or if she’s ok with her current level. I would totally let her take the lead on this- it seems a safe place for natural consequences.

[Anonymous]

I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.

Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To quote my now successfully employed dd “internal fear is the only motivator”. It comes from within.

Thanks. I think I agree. Maybe she's not scared because I've never let her fail.

[Anonymous]

Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.

Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.

If you read the book, there's a lot of content about kids who seem to be unmotivated for various reasons and why. And how to pitch it to them as they'll actually have more free time this way.

I would think the supports are not right for her and need to be re-evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?

She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.

Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.

If you read the book, there's a lot of content about kids who seem to be unmotivated for various reasons and why. And how to pitch it to them as they'll actually have more free time this way.

I would think the supports are not right for her and need to be re-evaluated.

Wow. Sounds like the ADHD Bible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.

Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.

It sounds like she needs support to use the planner. She needs someone to sit with her and walk her through how to use it. If the school isn't doing that, they're not providing what she needs. It's partly motivational but she probably also is just really bad at the skill of using it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?

She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.

Well how do you know that, if she's still unable to do age-appropriate executive functioning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think her executive functioning is poor, as is not unusual with ADHD and ASD. Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and implement more support as in the book.

Thanks. Her executive functioning is poor. Her study skills class at school is providing the type of supports that have been described (planner, follow-up, chunked assignments, extensions). We've also provided the supports you've described at home. She's not using the supports that are being provided to her. That's why this is a motivation issue.

Anxiety often coexists with ADHD, and can make it harder to use the supports available. My 8th grader with ADHD,ASD, and anxiety definitely defaults to it’s better to not try than try and fail when his anxiety is flaring. Something else to consider.