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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a 9th grader with many of these same issues. It sounds to me like you are not scaffolding enough on the small things at home and hoping your kid will be motivated when she fails at the big things. But IME, failing at the big things just feeds into the "I'm not good enough" cycle.

I am giving my kid WAY MORE at home support than a typical 9th grader would need. But I am meeting her where she is, getting her into a virtuous cycle of doing the work and feeling success from that, and hopefully will be able to very very gradually reduce the training wheels as she gets older and develops some muscle memory for these skills.

Right now, every night, we put her phone in one room and sit together in another room while she works through assignments one by one. I check that she actually submits the things she says she submits. I coach her to complete the things that are accessible/easy before tackling those that feel hard, and then offer support if and when she gets stuck. If she is working independently, I set a timer and check in every 20 minutes to make sure she is making forward progress. We talk ALL THE TIME about "eating the elephant one bite at a time." She gets her phone for 5 mins when each assignment is complete as a brain break.

When homework is done each day, I walk her through preparing her bag/materials for the next day and ensure she does it. I am on her about tardies (because she's easily distracted) and developing routines so that her butt is where it needs to be during the day. On weekends, I help her look ahead and get ahead on any assignments that she might be able to do early.

She is thriving! And she's motivated, because she is learning what it feels like to have her shit together and not always be missing things. She's turned in every assignment, problem solved with an advisor when something went wrong, and is getting As and Bs on tests and quizzes. There will be downs (I am certain), but she's learning what "up" feels like. And that is so, so valuable.[/quote]

So this is from like 4pm until 9 or 10pm every day? [/quote]

Nope. Kid is at a school with a manageable homework load (but they don't have the focus to tackle much during the school day or study halls). The first 2 weeks it took a lot longer because kid was building LOTS of new skills, learning new systems/tech, and figuring out teacher preferences for turning in work, assignment cadence, etc. And her brain was fried because the school days were also all new and exhausting. Maybe 7-10 pm. Next two weeks was more like 7-8:30 or occasionally 9 pm. A few hours each weekend afternoon, which includes getting ahead on everything possible. I can cook or do dishes or my own admin work on the side now, and kid rarely actually needs my help on anything. But she needs the idea that I'm available and sometimes she needs me to help figure out how to begin an assignment that feels overwhelming.

Our relationship is better because we are working together toward a shared goal vs. me always being on her about what she's messing up. And because I have a lot of visibility into her workload and the assignments, I am not on edge about when the next shoe is going to drop. I work and I have an older kid who is neurotypical. I know (and she knows!) this level of support is not typical for a 9th grader. But I only have her for a few more years and I'm going to do my very best to build her up in the time I have. [/quote]

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