How do you motivate your ADHD kid?

[Anonymous]

Okay, so 1) The school needs to help her actually use the planner. Not just explain over and over. Sit with her and capture the information. 2) Then at home, she needs a very consistent routine with you where she opens the planner, you look at it together, and she does certain assignments on certain days according to her schedule and due dates. She's not going to be able to do it on her own yet. You have to teach her the skills in baby steps.

3) You can do an incentive structure like 20 minutes of work gets her 20 minutes of phone time. She needs dopamine and she gets that from screens. She needs a dopamine reward to keep her motivated, because right now she's not feeling that dopamine from completing assignments.

[Anonymous]

I have a 9th grader with many of these same issues. It sounds to me like you are not scaffolding enough on the small things at home and hoping your kid will be motivated when she fails at the big things. But IME, failing at the big things just feeds into the "I'm not good enough" cycle.

I am giving my kid WAY MORE at home support than a typical 9th grader would need. But I am meeting her where she is, getting her into a virtuous cycle of doing the work and feeling success from that, and hopefully will be able to very very gradually reduce the training wheels as she gets older and develops some muscle memory for these skills.

Right now, every night, we put her phone in one room and sit together in another room while she works through assignments one by one. I check that she actually submits the things she says she submits. I coach her to complete the things that are accessible/easy before tackling those that feel hard, and then offer support if and when she gets stuck. If she is working independently, I set a timer and check in every 20 minutes to make sure she is making forward progress. We talk ALL THE TIME about "eating the elephant one bite at a time." She gets her phone for 5 mins when each assignment is complete as a brain break.

When homework is done each day, I walk her through preparing her bag/materials for the next day and ensure she does it. I am on her about tardies (because she's easily distracted) and developing routines so that her butt is where it needs to be during the day. On weekends, I help her look ahead and get ahead on any assignments that she might be able to do early.

She is thriving! And she's motivated, because she is learning what it feels like to have her shit together and not always be missing things. She's turned in every assignment, problem solved with an advisor when something went wrong, and is getting As and Bs on tests and quizzes. There will be downs (I am certain), but she's learning what "up" feels like. And that is so, so valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 9th grader with many of these same issues. It sounds to me like you are not scaffolding enough on the small things at home and hoping your kid will be motivated when she fails at the big things. But IME, failing at the big things just feeds into the "I'm not good enough" cycle.

I am giving my kid WAY MORE at home support than a typical 9th grader would need. But I am meeting her where she is, getting her into a virtuous cycle of doing the work and feeling success from that, and hopefully will be able to very very gradually reduce the training wheels as she gets older and develops some muscle memory for these skills.

Right now, every night, we put her phone in one room and sit together in another room while she works through assignments one by one. I check that she actually submits the things she says she submits. I coach her to complete the things that are accessible/easy before tackling those that feel hard, and then offer support if and when she gets stuck. If she is working independently, I set a timer and check in every 20 minutes to make sure she is making forward progress. We talk ALL THE TIME about "eating the elephant one bite at a time." She gets her phone for 5 mins when each assignment is complete as a brain break.

When homework is done each day, I walk her through preparing her bag/materials for the next day and ensure she does it. I am on her about tardies (because she's easily distracted) and developing routines so that her butt is where it needs to be during the day. On weekends, I help her look ahead and get ahead on any assignments that she might be able to do early.

She is thriving! And she's motivated, because she is learning what it feels like to have her shit together and not always be missing things. She's turned in every assignment, problem solved with an advisor when something went wrong, and is getting As and Bs on tests and quizzes. There will be downs (I am certain), but she's learning what "up" feels like. And that is so, so valuable.

She's getting the work done but only with massive support from you. Is she doing anything by herself? I want my kid to be able to go off to college without me as her roommate.

[Anonymous]

I will say that in 4 weeks of doing this, we’ve gone from me guiding every step to her independently doing 80% of it and feeling a lot of ownership of the process. High school is still brand new, college is 4 years from now.

How’s sink or swim working for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 9th grader with many of these same issues. It sounds to me like you are not scaffolding enough on the small things at home and hoping your kid will be motivated when she fails at the big things. But IME, failing at the big things just feeds into the "I'm not good enough" cycle.

I am giving my kid WAY MORE at home support than a typical 9th grader would need. But I am meeting her where she is, getting her into a virtuous cycle of doing the work and feeling success from that, and hopefully will be able to very very gradually reduce the training wheels as she gets older and develops some muscle memory for these skills.

Right now, every night, we put her phone in one room and sit together in another room while she works through assignments one by one. I check that she actually submits the things she says she submits. I coach her to complete the things that are accessible/easy before tackling those that feel hard, and then offer support if and when she gets stuck. If she is working independently, I set a timer and check in every 20 minutes to make sure she is making forward progress. We talk ALL THE TIME about "eating the elephant one bite at a time." She gets her phone for 5 mins when each assignment is complete as a brain break.

When homework is done each day, I walk her through preparing her bag/materials for the next day and ensure she does it. I am on her about tardies (because she's easily distracted) and developing routines so that her butt is where it needs to be during the day. On weekends, I help her look ahead and get ahead on any assignments that she might be able to do early.

She is thriving! And she's motivated, because she is learning what it feels like to have her shit together and not always be missing things. She's turned in every assignment, problem solved with an advisor when something went wrong, and is getting As and Bs on tests and quizzes. There will be downs (I am certain), but she's learning what "up" feels like. And that is so, so valuable.

She's getting the work done but only with massive support from you. Is she doing anything by herself? I want my kid to be able to go off to college without me as her roommate.

Sometimes we don't get what we want, OP. You have to parent the kid you've got.

PP is trying to gradually teach her child to do it on her own. What's so bad about that? Since your current approach is not working, try some of the good advice you've received here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For ADHD kids, it’s not necessarily lack of motivation but lack of the executive function skills to make themselves do what needs to be done. We’ve focused on process- make the kid make a list and verbalize a plan for getting it done. In times of struggle, have them sit next to us at the dining room table while we do our own work (or whatever but give them someone to body double). For a while in 9 th grade we were much more hands on than a typical high schooler needs, but now in 11th grade they are pretty self sufficient. We also outsourced a lot of nagging to an executive function coach at the end of 9th grade.

For her sport, when she’s in a good frame of mind, talk to her about what kinds of practice would help her improve. Ask explicitly if it’s worth it to her and if she wants help in making and sticking to a plan. Or if she’s ok with her current level. I would totally let her take the lead on this- it seems a safe place for natural consequences.

This is exactly what we did. We also enforced a strict bedtime. Proper sleep really helped a lot! Kid is now a sophomore and staying on top of things much better than last year. Still meeting with an exec coach too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 9th grader with many of these same issues. It sounds to me like you are not scaffolding enough on the small things at home and hoping your kid will be motivated when she fails at the big things. But IME, failing at the big things just feeds into the "I'm not good enough" cycle.

I am giving my kid WAY MORE at home support than a typical 9th grader would need. But I am meeting her where she is, getting her into a virtuous cycle of doing the work and feeling success from that, and hopefully will be able to very very gradually reduce the training wheels as she gets older and develops some muscle memory for these skills.

Right now, every night, we put her phone in one room and sit together in another room while she works through assignments one by one. I check that she actually submits the things she says she submits. I coach her to complete the things that are accessible/easy before tackling those that feel hard, and then offer support if and when she gets stuck. If she is working independently, I set a timer and check in every 20 minutes to make sure she is making forward progress. We talk ALL THE TIME about "eating the elephant one bite at a time." She gets her phone for 5 mins when each assignment is complete as a brain break.

When homework is done each day, I walk her through preparing her bag/materials for the next day and ensure she does it. I am on her about tardies (because she's easily distracted) and developing routines so that her butt is where it needs to be during the day. On weekends, I help her look ahead and get ahead on any assignments that she might be able to do early.

She is thriving! And she's motivated, because she is learning what it feels like to have her shit together and not always be missing things. She's turned in every assignment, problem solved with an advisor when something went wrong, and is getting As and Bs on tests and quizzes. There will be downs (I am certain), but she's learning what "up" feels like. And that is so, so valuable.

So this is from like 4pm until 9 or 10pm every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that in 4 weeks of doing this, we’ve gone from me guiding every step to her independently doing 80% of it and feeling a lot of ownership of the process. High school is still brand new, college is 4 years from now.

How’s sink or swim working for you?

Pls let us know the blocks of time you do this. We both work and have other children. Thx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is above average intelligence generally, superior verbally. ADHD mixed-type, high-functioning ASD (she's blending pretty well). She's a freshman in a private high school. She loves the school and we love the school. But she's not finishing her assignments. She either forgets about them, stops working on them if she gets stuck, or rushes through so she can watch anime or play games on her phone. She has a planner, which she is not completing and doesn't check anyway. She does not have much homework (it should be done at school) and one extracurricular activity that doesn't take up much of her time. She spends her weekends contemplating her navel in her bedroom and watching anime. It's a Herculean effort to get her out of her room. The school is on top of this. We have tried to be, too. We've been checking her grades, asking her if she completed assignments, etc. And yet.

This is so infuriating. She's a smart kid. But-for the incomplete assignments, she'd have A- and As. She's constantly talking about medical school, and I'm like, seriously? You understand that you have to do the work, right? You don't get graded on how much time you spent watching Crunchyroll. Same with the sport. She complains about not getting playing time, but she refuses to practice with us in the backyard, when asked.

Now she's freaking out because the school is getting more hands-on in addressing the schoolwork issue. Whenever we set expectations, we get an epic meltdown: she's a failure, she can't do anything right, no one believes in her, she'll never be happy. It seems like she's trying to deflect, to be honest. I've told her repeatedly that I'm fine with her grades, so long as she does the work and gives it her best, so it's not like she's facing grade pressure.

I know she's transitioning to high school, but WTF is she thinking? It seems pretty basic that if you don't do the work or put in the practice, you don't get the grade or the playing time. Also, more fundamentally, why doesn't she want to any effort into anything?

Does anyone have any advice on how to break through here?

The epic meltdowns are emotional manipulation. You can read up on that with some free articles from ADHD Dude. She is most certainly deflecting.

Is she using the phone at school? Because I would argue she doesn't need it there. Screen time at home is contingent on her showing you the assignments that she's completed. If it's an online platform, it's useful for you to log in as her so you can look her work over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that in 4 weeks of doing this, we’ve gone from me guiding every step to her independently doing 80% of it and feeling a lot of ownership of the process. High school is still brand new, college is 4 years from now.

How’s sink or swim working for you?

Lol

Np. My MIL quit work to help her dyslexic adhd son from age onwards. And onwards. FIL even did his math homework in grad school. They always were surprised he would pass his courses, somehow get on enough on a test to graduate plus all the family’s homework.

Anyhow, he’s 41, single and lives at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is above average intelligence generally, superior verbally. ADHD mixed-type, high-functioning ASD (she's blending pretty well). She's a freshman in a private high school. She loves the school and we love the school. But she's not finishing her assignments. She either forgets about them, stops working on them if she gets stuck, or rushes through so she can watch anime or play games on her phone. She has a planner, which she is not completing and doesn't check anyway. She does not have much homework (it should be done at school) and one extracurricular activity that doesn't take up much of her time. She spends her weekends contemplating her navel in her bedroom and watching anime. It's a Herculean effort to get her out of her room. The school is on top of this. We have tried to be, too. We've been checking her grades, asking her if she completed assignments, etc. And yet.

This is so infuriating. She's a smart kid. But-for the incomplete assignments, she'd have A- and As. She's constantly talking about medical school, and I'm like, seriously? You understand that you have to do the work, right? You don't get graded on how much time you spent watching Crunchyroll. Same with the sport. She complains about not getting playing time, but she refuses to practice with us in the backyard, when asked.

Now she's freaking out because the school is getting more hands-on in addressing the schoolwork issue. Whenever we set expectations, we get an epic meltdown: she's a failure, she can't do anything right, no one believes in her, she'll never be happy. It seems like she's trying to deflect, to be honest. I've told her repeatedly that I'm fine with her grades, so long as she does the work and gives it her best, so it's not like she's facing grade pressure.

I know she's transitioning to high school, but WTF is she thinking? It seems pretty basic that if you don't do the work or put in the practice, you don't get the grade or the playing time. Also, more fundamentally, why doesn't she want to any effort into anything?

Does anyone have any advice on how to break through here?

The epic meltdowns are emotional manipulation. You can read up on that with some free articles from ADHD Dude. She is most certainly deflecting.

Is she using the phone at school? Because I would argue she doesn't need it there. Screen time at home is contingent on her showing you the assignments that she's completed. If it's an online platform, it's useful for you to log in as her so you can look her work over.

What about asd /adhd meltdowns?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say that in 4 weeks of doing this, we’ve gone from me guiding every step to her independently doing 80% of it and feeling a lot of ownership of the process. High school is still brand new, college is 4 years from now.

How’s sink or swim working for you?

Lol

Np. My MIL quit work to help her dyslexic adhd son from age onwards. And onwards. FIL even did his math homework in grad school. They always were surprised he would pass his courses, somehow get on enough on a test to graduate plus all the family’s homework.

Anyhow, he’s 41, single and lives at home.

Ok, and I know someone who typed her son's grad school papers and organized all his work. He's a highly paid engineer.

There is no right one way. Helicoptering works some of the time, but not all. Letting them sink or swim is the same. I chose sink or swim for my own sanity and so far it's swim! Yay, but that doesn't mean I have the one right way.

The bottom line is that there aren't enough jobs for everyone to have a decent one. So we drive ourselves nuts trying to guarantee success. It's a whole lot of "doing the disorder" if you follow Lynn Lyons and her work on anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is above average intelligence generally, superior verbally. ADHD mixed-type, high-functioning ASD (she's blending pretty well). She's a freshman in a private high school. She loves the school and we love the school. But she's not finishing her assignments. She either forgets about them, stops working on them if she gets stuck, or rushes through so she can watch anime or play games on her phone. She has a planner, which she is not completing and doesn't check anyway. She does not have much homework (it should be done at school) and one extracurricular activity that doesn't take up much of her time. She spends her weekends contemplating her navel in her bedroom and watching anime. It's a Herculean effort to get her out of her room. The school is on top of this. We have tried to be, too. We've been checking her grades, asking her if she completed assignments, etc. And yet.

This is so infuriating. She's a smart kid. But-for the incomplete assignments, she'd have A- and As. She's constantly talking about medical school, and I'm like, seriously? You understand that you have to do the work, right? You don't get graded on how much time you spent watching Crunchyroll. Same with the sport. She complains about not getting playing time, but she refuses to practice with us in the backyard, when asked.

Now she's freaking out because the school is getting more hands-on in addressing the schoolwork issue. Whenever we set expectations, we get an epic meltdown: she's a failure, she can't do anything right, no one believes in her, she'll never be happy. It seems like she's trying to deflect, to be honest. I've told her repeatedly that I'm fine with her grades, so long as she does the work and gives it her best, so it's not like she's facing grade pressure.

I know she's transitioning to high school, but WTF is she thinking? It seems pretty basic that if you don't do the work or put in the practice, you don't get the grade or the playing time. Also, more fundamentally, why doesn't she want to any effort into anything?

Does anyone have any advice on how to break through here?

The epic meltdowns are emotional manipulation. You can read up on that with some free articles from ADHD Dude. She is most certainly deflecting.

Is she using the phone at school? Because I would argue she doesn't need it there. Screen time at home is contingent on her showing you the assignments that she's completed. If it's an online platform, it's useful for you to log in as her so you can look her work over.

What about asd /adhd meltdowns?

I mean my kid carries those labels too. The advice worked fine for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she medicated? Does the medication need adjustment?

She is medicated. She meets with her psychiatrist monthly and the meds seem to be working fine.

Obviously they are not!

[Anonymous]

Your poor child. She's not lazy, OP. She has ADHD.