Dying Alone

[Anonymous]

You come in alone and you leave alone. You choose your eternal destination during life. Fortunately for some you can choose in a blink of an eye at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

So don't take care of them. Put them in a home. That's my plan. No one can force you to care for the elderly.

lol

As if *you* have the power to put adults in a nursing home or assisted living!

Newsflash: you have no power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such an educational thread. When I think of my parents' passing (both are 80), I always envision being with them, holding their hand. Now I am thinking of it differently.

Along the same vein, my beloved dog died while I was on vacation. I felt terrible about it because I wanted to be holding him as he passed. A wise friend told me that he wasn't missing me in that moment - that he was too busy dying to be aware of me being there or not.

I guess there is very little of this that is within our control.

You just have to see how it goes. I was so grateful I was able to be by my parent’s side when they passed. It was truly one of the most significant and spiritual moments of my life. I had full closure and will be forever grateful. Every situation is different so do what is right in the moment.

Yes, that is how it has been for me as well. All of my family have wanted someone with them at the end, and it was profound, and beautiful, and peaceful. The exception was my grandfather. He showed all the signs of being about to go, but just… didn’t. After sitting with him for 36 hours, I thought about his solo camping trips when he was a young single man and early in retirement. He would hike or take a horse and go off into the mountains alone for a week or so. It occurred to me that perhaps he wanted to make this final journey alone. I left, and within two hours he died.

[Anonymous]

My dad was in hospice for a day only before passing, but the nurse did tell me that frequently they pass when family goes to grab clothes/food/whatever.

My dad passed about 20 minutes after we got back from quickly getting clothing/food (I had been in my work uniform for nearly 24 hrs). Like, if I had taken a shower at home we would have missed it. It was very peaceful though, he was not in any pain and we were there with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's happenkng in US and will continue to as boomers approach ennd.

Most boomers are in senior living communitues or have kids nearby who check on them.

Source?

Happens more often than you think. A friend has been a real estate agent in NOVA since the 90's and every year he deals with 1 or 2 cases of a lone elder falling, getting ill, or dying in their condo/house. Then he is contacted to help setup the property for sale, usually by children or relatives from elsewhere in the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people "die alone" because they manage to die when loved ones have stepped out.

This was the case for my sister and both parents. Lots of family visiting, but actual deaths occurred when one visitor stepped out for a brief period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

This is such an odd statement. What could you say, “Don’t plan for another 20, only 5.” Not that their “plan” actually matters to date of death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such an educational thread. When I think of my parents' passing (both are 80), I always envision being with them, holding their hand. Now I am thinking of it differently.

Along the same vein, my beloved dog died while I was on vacation. I felt terrible about it because I wanted to be holding him as he passed. A wise friend told me that he wasn't missing me in that moment - that he was too busy dying to be aware of me being there or not.

I guess there is very little of this that is within our control.

You just have to see how it goes. I was so grateful I was able to be by my parent’s side when they passed. It was truly one of the most significant and spiritual moments of my life. I had full closure and will be forever grateful. Every situation is different so do what is right in the moment.

This. Ditto. I do not understand people who claim that others shouldn’t be around. It seems strangely selfish and flat to me.

[Anonymous]

One of neighbors died alone in his house. He would go out of town for long stretches of time, so not seeing him around did not raise alarm. We think he was there for about a week or two before somebody called the police. He lived alone. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

I just could not emotional stay with my dad as he passed. I am probably a horrible person, but it was just so hard.

[Anonymous]

The stories about people dying during the 20 minutes you step away ring so true for me. It's happened in my family and also among my friends with their parents.

I've also heard of families giving the dying person "permission" to die, and death follows soon afterwards. For example, saying "we'll be OK, we've got this, don't worry, we can manage it." In the case of the family I know, one of the kids was struggling and the dad reassured his dying wife he could handle it and that everything would be OK. She died soon after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such an educational thread. When I think of my parents' passing (both are 80), I always envision being with them, holding their hand. Now I am thinking of it differently.

Along the same vein, my beloved dog died while I was on vacation. I felt terrible about it because I wanted to be holding him as he passed. A wise friend told me that he wasn't missing me in that moment - that he was too busy dying to be aware of me being there or not.

I guess there is very little of this that is within our control.

You just have to see how it goes. I was so grateful I was able to be by my parent’s side when they passed. It was truly one of the most significant and spiritual moments of my life. I had full closure and will be forever grateful. Every situation is different so do what is right in the moment.

This. Ditto. I do not understand people who claim that others shouldn’t be around. It seems strangely selfish and flat to me.

Well, who is getting the comfort from being there for the actual death? Selfish could be a 24/7 vigil even if well intended. Depends on what dying person would want or needs. I should ask my parent about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such an educational thread. When I think of my parents' passing (both are 80), I always envision being with them, holding their hand. Now I am thinking of it differently.

Along the same vein, my beloved dog died while I was on vacation. I felt terrible about it because I wanted to be holding him as he passed. A wise friend told me that he wasn't missing me in that moment - that he was too busy dying to be aware of me being there or not.

I guess there is very little of this that is within our control.

You just have to see how it goes. I was so grateful I was able to be by my parent’s side when they passed. It was truly one of the most significant and spiritual moments of my life. I had full closure and will be forever grateful. Every situation is different so do what is right in the moment.

Yes, that is how it has been for me as well. All of my family have wanted someone with them at the end, and it was profound, and beautiful, and peaceful. The exception was my grandfather. He showed all the signs of being about to go, but just… didn’t. After sitting with him for 36 hours, I thought about his solo camping trips when he was a young single man and early in retirement. He would hike or take a horse and go off into the mountains alone for a week or so. It occurred to me that perhaps he wanted to make this final journey alone. I left, and within two hours he died.

Very kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

This is such an odd statement. What could you say, “Don’t plan for another 20, only 5.” Not that their “plan” actually matters to date of death.

They can at least stop pretending this is such a great thing if they live for another 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You come in alone and you leave alone. You choose your eternal destination during life. Fortunately for some you can choose in a blink of an eye at the last minute.

Why do people say this? Your mother is there when you are born. I don’t think of my children as having been born alone - I was there and pretty involved in the process too!!