Dying Alone

[Anonymous]

Both my father and my sister moved to my home as their sickness made them unable to care for themselves. Ultimately, they died in my home.

[Anonymous]

Many people "die alone" because they manage to die when loved ones have stepped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

Can confirm ^^^

— ICU nurse

I am so thankful the floor nurses encouraged me to “go home” after my unexpectedly but just-admitted father had fallen asleep. They promised to call “if anything happened.” And they did. The phone rang at 3am and DH let me return to the hospital myself as we’d previously discussed.

The staff had thoughtfully dimmed the lighting and it looked very serene. I was able to say goodbye with neither drama nor regrets.

So, was he “alone,” in the room? I don’t really know — if someone was with him or just noticed the flatline/monitors as he’d signed the DNR himself, with my concurrence.

But I will forever be grateful to those wise nurses…who I’m sure have many times had their sage advice fall on closed ears.

[Anonymous]

This is such an educational thread. When I think of my parents' passing (both are 80), I always envision being with them, holding their hand. Now I am thinking of it differently.

Along the same vein, my beloved dog died while I was on vacation. I felt terrible about it because I wanted to be holding him as he passed. A wise friend told me that he wasn't missing me in that moment - that he was too busy dying to be aware of me being there or not.

I guess there is very little of this that is within our control.

[Anonymous]

The last 30 minutes my dad was not noticing anything and the last day totally out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

This. I think people read an obituary that the person died "surrounded by loved ones" and assume the people were on vigil 27-7 until the person passed. They had loved ones visiting and often didn't want to traumatize their loved ones and died alone. Or they died with loved ones around and some of those people needed therapy afterwards, not just from the years of being there for the loved one, but from actually witnessing the death. I pray when my time comes I can say goodbye, but die peacefully in my sleep and not cause any trauma. Of course I also want the choice to die on my terms if I develop cancer or start sinking into dementia/Alzheimers. I refuse to become an angry, hostile, mean-spirited tyrant like one of my parents-refuse. Even if it means traveling somewhere else to end life and protect others.

If you develop dementia you will have a very hard time making the decision to move to a country that allows assisted suicide and an even harder time actually doing it (moving.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

[Anonymous]

My father died recently and he was very grateful I was by his side when he passed. He was scared and my presence was comforting. Dealing with hospice is overwhelming. A trusted family member can help reduce anxieties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such an educational thread. When I think of my parents' passing (both are 80), I always envision being with them, holding their hand. Now I am thinking of it differently.

Along the same vein, my beloved dog died while I was on vacation. I felt terrible about it because I wanted to be holding him as he passed. A wise friend told me that he wasn't missing me in that moment - that he was too busy dying to be aware of me being there or not.

I guess there is very little of this that is within our control.

You just have to see how it goes. I was so grateful I was able to be by my parent’s side when they passed. It was truly one of the most significant and spiritual moments of my life. I had full closure and will be forever grateful. Every situation is different so do what is right in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

We see this in our family, people dealing with their own health crises and of their parents and in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

To add, dad is in complete delusion and thinks he is sharp as a tack and independent, whereas he requires a significant amount of hours to take care of his needs. He is physically healthy and not even 80, so he can easily live another 15 years if not 20.
I’ve already had to restrict my travel because of him and I see worse things coming.
I have a child who will hopefully be in college in 5 years but I’ll be stuck taking care of the old man. Meanwhile I am almost 50 and I want to live too!

[Anonymous]

Why worry about it? It's not scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

So don't take care of them. Put them in a home. That's my plan. No one can force you to care for the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

This is a problem which isn’t talked about enough. People live into their 90s and their caregivers are so tired that sometimes they go first. And even if they don’t, there’s not much left after caregiving is finally over.
My parent plans to live for 20 more years. I can’t say anything, I am a polite person, but I hate the idea of still having to take care of them when I am 60+!

We see this in our family, people dealing with their own health crises and of their parents and in-laws.

Yes my brother just had a major heart attack probably from the stress we have had dealing with our parents who may outlive us all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people "die alone" because they manage to die when loved ones have stepped out.

My mom died in the 15 minutes between when the private aide finished her morning visit and a CNA came by to see if she needed a snack, while we were in the car on the way to see her.