Dying Alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's happenkng in US and will continue to as boomers approach ennd.

Most boomers are in senior living communitues or have kids nearby who check on them.

Really? I don’t think so…

Boomers are between ages 59-77 right now and boomers make up 21% of the total population of the U.S. Only 2% of seniors live in senior living communities, with a not insignificant portion of those being seniors older than age 77 (not boomers). It’s hard to find data on how many people have kids living nearby who check on them but I will say I know very few people in my cohort w boomer parents who live near their parents. The children of boomers have spread out more than any previous generation did and live all over the country/world. Relatively fewer of us live near family anymore.

[Anonymous]

More and more elders demand to age in place at home alone often with homes that cannot be adapted to their needs. They risk dying alone in an unpleasant way, but that is their wish.

Very few people truly die surrounded by loved ones. We were actually told by hospice to finally stop visiting because often the loved one wants to die without loved ones around. Sure enough the person finally passes peacefully alone.

[Anonymous]

If you could schedule your death for a time when your loved ones are all available to gather around you and watch you die, would you? Or would you rather just die in your sleep?

Idk to me everyone dies alone really, unless you and your family all die at the same time. What difference does it make?

[Anonymous]

My mid-boomer uncle died in December, alone in his apartment. He’d been fired from his taxi driver job a couple of months before, divorced 10 years ago, no kids.

He was found 11 days later — as best we can tell from the cell phone usage. Neighbors noticed no loud TV, so the building super called the cops. I had tried calling on Christmas and he hadn’t picked up, but that hadn’t been enough to get me to ask for a wellness check.

I had been paying his rent since the pandemic (not a good time to be a taxi driver, and his Social Security was like $700 per month; he had worked overseas for a number of years so few credits, and of course no savings), but he was really a life-long f*ckup and jerk and had alienated a lot of people, including me — I hadn’t seen him in person for five years. I organized a sort of memorial that was mostly his high school friends — but the one who did the most and had been the closest had also been cut off for years.

Turns out he was also a raging alcoholic; we found hundreds of bottles in the apartment. No idea how he paid for the wine, actually. Coroner hinted he was malnourished? But some sort of heart attack.

Yeah, I wonder how many people like him there are, tucked away in rent stabilized apartments (or paid off houses if their parents did better than his had). Certainly some of the high school buddies looked like they were going down the same route.

[Anonymous]

Japan has a way bigger issue with fertility. So many women there are either not having children or only having one. By 2100 the population of Japan is expected to be half. They don't want any immigration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a CNA part time during college, I knew residents in their late 90s and over 100 who simply no longer had family left, and their friends were long gone. Also, when people in LTC are on Medicaid (common for those who outlive their assets) and are hospitalized, their bed stays available for a short period of time, after that you go where a bed can be found, which outside of metro areas can be a long distance from where you had been living.

Wow, that is so cruel - I had no idea.

[Anonymous]

I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

[Anonymous]

I'm a letter carrier with the USPS. Sometimes it's us who notice the mail being uncollected and call for a wellness check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

This. I think people read an obituary that the person died "surrounded by loved ones" and assume the people were on vigil 27-7 until the person passed. They had loved ones visiting and often didn't want to traumatize their loved ones and died alone. Or they died with loved ones around and some of those people needed therapy afterwards, not just from the years of being there for the loved one, but from actually witnessing the death. I pray when my time comes I can say goodbye, but die peacefully in my sleep and not cause any trauma. Of course I also want the choice to die on my terms if I develop cancer or start sinking into dementia/Alzheimers. I refuse to become an angry, hostile, mean-spirited tyrant like one of my parents-refuse. Even if it means traveling somewhere else to end life and protect others.

[Anonymous]

My mother once mentioned that she was afraid of dying alone. When the time came she was not alone because my siblings and I would have done anything for her. We made sure she was at home and not in the hospital and we were there with her, including her son's and daughter's in law and grand children. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. It was right where I wanted to be because I loved her so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

Can confirm ^^^

— ICU nurse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

This. I think people read an obituary that the person died "surrounded by loved ones" and assume the people were on vigil 27-7 until the person passed. They had loved ones visiting and often didn't want to traumatize their loved ones and died alone. Or they died with loved ones around and some of those people needed therapy afterwards, not just from the years of being there for the loved one, but from actually witnessing the death. I pray when my time comes I can say goodbye, but die peacefully in my sleep and not cause any trauma. Of course I also want the choice to die on my terms if I develop cancer or start sinking into dementia/Alzheimers. I refuse to become an angry, hostile, mean-spirited tyrant like one of my parents-refuse. Even if it means traveling somewhere else to end life and protect others.

My elderly mom fairly recently died in my presence and it was absolutely traumatizing. I’m still in therapy.

True she didn’t die alone but I wish she would have. She did have an aide who following protocol (and because NO ONE COULD FIND HER DNR ORDER) called the rescue squad and then following along other protocol the sheriff had to be present to “call” her time of death or maybe certify her as deceased. It was quite a scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a letter carrier with the USPS. Sometimes it's us who notice the mail being uncollected and call for a wellness check.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent the last near decade doing mostly hospice care of patients of all ages, but mostly elders.

I’ll let you in on a little secret; even those surrounded by loved ones in the end died alone. It’s not like on TV or in movies folks. The dying process is a solitary act. We all die alone.

This. I think people read an obituary that the person died "surrounded by loved ones" and assume the people were on vigil 27-7 until the person passed. They had loved ones visiting and often didn't want to traumatize their loved ones and died alone. Or they died with loved ones around and some of those people needed therapy afterwards, not just from the years of being there for the loved one, but from actually witnessing the death. I pray when my time comes I can say goodbye, but die peacefully in my sleep and not cause any trauma. Of course I also want the choice to die on my terms if I develop cancer or start sinking into dementia/Alzheimers. I refuse to become an angry, hostile, mean-spirited tyrant like one of my parents-refuse. Even if it means traveling somewhere else to end life and protect others.

My elderly mom fairly recently died in my presence and it was absolutely traumatizing. I’m still in therapy.

True she didn’t die alone but I wish she would have. She did have an aide who following protocol (and because NO ONE COULD FIND HER DNR ORDER) called the rescue squad and then following along other protocol the sheriff had to be present to “call” her time of death or maybe certify her as deceased. It was quite a scene.

I am so sorry. I totally get it. I saw my father the night he died, but didn't witness the death. I am glad I could be there for him, but the whole scene was horrifying and I am grateful I refused to bring my kids. One of my siblings tried to insist all the grandkids be there and her daughter still has nightmares years later from seeing the state he was in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother once mentioned that she was afraid of dying alone. When the time came she was not alone because my siblings and I would have done anything for her. We made sure she was at home and not in the hospital and we were there with her, including her son's and daughter's in law and grand children. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. It was right where I wanted to be because I loved her so much.

I think you are very kind. And I think your mother is lucky to have you. A lot of deaths are not peaceful.