My best friend’s kid is very dark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend’s rising 5th grader is very dark—into vampires, talking about death, etc. Also identifies as nonbinary and autistic but my friend has told me that the therapist is doubtful about both of those things—seems like the kid is just “trying out” identities.

We’ve always hung out a ton with their family but, as summer comes to an end, I’m feeling like the 5th grader is just sort of a source of bad info and a bad influence. For example, she has convinced by 3rd grader that she has ADHD (no doc or teacher has brought this up, but now my kid is convinced that she has adhd and is mad at me for “not treating it”). I don’t love a 10 year old diagnosing my 8 year old.

Anyway, I would have no issue with my kid having adhd or being gender queer or any of my friend’s kid’s identities but the whole situation just feels a little challenging. My friend’s kid is at a totally appropriate age for testing out these type of identities and I feel like my kid who is a few years younger and much less mature is getting swept into before she’s ready or would otherwise be interested.

Just not sure how to handle this. We love hanging out with this family.

Probably cluster B.

Autism isn't an identity you try on. In normal circles gender dysphoria is under 2% of the population, not an age appropriate activity for everyone.

Taking care of your children is more important than being entertained by the Addams Family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid just cruises from 8 to 18 without ever trying on an identity you think is false or yelling at you for ruining their life in some way you clearly didn’t, they’re probably a psychopath. So instead of focusing on this little goth gremlin, strap yourself in and pack snacks for the next 10-15 years.

I mean unless you’re planning to go live on an uninhabited island, this is all normal and expected. And actually I think there was a cut scene in that Brooke Shields island movie where they talk about how this is their parents’ fault for not teaching them survival skills and they burn them in effigy.

My kids have a loving relationship with each other and their parents. They have hobbies and interests. They've had problems in life, but they don't run from who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend’s rising 5th grader is very dark—into vampires, talking about death, etc. Also identifies as nonbinary and autistic but my friend has told me that the therapist is doubtful about both of those things—seems like the kid is just “trying out” identities.

We’ve always hung out a ton with their family but, as summer comes to an end, I’m feeling like the 5th grader is just sort of a source of bad info and a bad influence. For example, she has convinced by 3rd grader that she has ADHD (no doc or teacher has brought this up, but now my kid is convinced that she has adhd and is mad at me for “not treating it”). I don’t love a 10 year old diagnosing my 8 year old.

Anyway, I would have no issue with my kid having adhd or being gender queer or any of my friend’s kid’s identities but the whole situation just feels a little challenging. My friend’s kid is at a totally appropriate age for testing out these type of identities and I feel like my kid who is a few years younger and much less mature is getting swept into before she’s ready or would otherwise be interested.

Just not sure how to handle this. We love hanging out with this family.

Non-binary tends to be accompanied by a lot of mental illness in most cases. The darkness is just part of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend’s rising 5th grader is very dark—into vampires, talking about death, etc. Also identifies as nonbinary and autistic but my friend has told me that the therapist is doubtful about both of those things—seems like the kid is just “trying out” identities.

We’ve always hung out a ton with their family but, as summer comes to an end, I’m feeling like the 5th grader is just sort of a source of bad info and a bad influence. For example, she has convinced by 3rd grader that she has ADHD (no doc or teacher has brought this up, but now my kid is convinced that she has adhd and is mad at me for “not treating it”). I don’t love a 10 year old diagnosing my 8 year old.

Anyway, I would have no issue with my kid having adhd or being gender queer or any of my friend’s kid’s identities but the whole situation just feels a little challenging. My friend’s kid is at a totally appropriate age for testing out these type of identities and I feel like my kid who is a few years younger and much less mature is getting swept into before she’s ready or would otherwise be interested.

Just not sure how to handle this. We love hanging out with this family.

NP here & didn’t read the rest of comments.

OP - regardless of the topic, I think the underlying issue here is older vs younger child mindsets and age appropriate topics. I think both sets of parents should have separate conversations with the kids about interacting with children of different ages.

The younger child needs to understand that older kids think about things differently and are interested in different topics. They may tell younger children things, but really they are unlikely to have good knowledge about challenging topics. If your child has any questions about any topic, they should ask their parent (you), not older kids.

The older child should understand that younger children think differently and have different interests than they do. Not all topics interesting to older kids are age appropriate for younger kids. Being a good friend and being nice to younger kids includes not forcing your interests and ideas on them. You are not doing them a favor by “sharing secrets” about whatever topic it is.

This applies to so many topics, including heath/puberty/sex, cultural traditions (e.g. Santa), and whatever society is currently focused on trying to make taboo. Ask your friend to talk to her child about what is and isn’t appropriate while interacting with your kid when you get together.

And talk to your own kid in advance and provide factual information about the topics that are concerning you right now. For example, you don’t need to say the other kid was wrong about saying your kid has ADHD. Instead, explain what ADHD is, how it gets diagnosed and treated, and that a lot of people in social media right now are exploring ADHD symptoms and considering if tools to help would work for them. Ask your kid if there is anything about themselves that they are concerned about or are wondering about and answer their questions. At the end of the conversation make sure your kid knows to think critically about everything someone else’s tells them and not just believe them because they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The simple take-away is 10 year-olds should not be on TikTok or any other social media.

10 year-olds should not have phones at all.

But the parents are the sort of people who let their kids believe that “non-binary” and “trans” are real things. So don’t hold your breath on them taking away the phones and replacing them with library cards.