My best friend’s kid is very dark

[Anonymous]

a lot of neurodiverse kids are a little dark. it's also considered 'cool' to be so now, and to be 'a little autistic'. My ds is 'a little autistic' so this is a very convenient fact for him. He's not 'dark' per se but he totally gets the darkness and goth stuff and loves wednesday (they all do). He also loves pink and purple stuff though is very straight. Kids are just loving that they can be really wildly authentic and try on different personas to see if they fit. It makes us as parents uncomfortable - or it makes you uncomfortable - bc you feel like it will encourage your child to 'deviate from the norm' in a way they would not otherwise. that may be true but it also may open their eyes to knowing themselves better and being really authentically them as well. either way, it's very typical.

[Anonymous]

The “dark” part is what worries me. Trust your instincts there. There was a neighborhood kid growing up who had really dark interests but was part of our group. He ended up in HS leading several of the neighborhood kids into drug using behavior. There are some other sad details I won’t get into. But this kid had a truly chilling vibe and it proved to be something that should have been a big red flag. Not your every day “goth” or “weird kid” and while I believe he was adhd, not your typical adhd kid either.

My point to you OP is trust your instincts even if you can’t put your finger on “it”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh phew I thought this was going to be something else.

Some kids are just naturally kind of goth OP. It's okay -- it takes all kinds. It's actually good for kids to have a range of friends with different attitudes and outlooks because it promotes empathy and also gives them different options for existing in the world -- it keeps their horizons broad.

LOL same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a lot of neurodiverse kids are a little dark. it's also considered 'cool' to be so now, and to be 'a little autistic'. My ds is 'a little autistic' so this is a very convenient fact for him. He's not 'dark' per se but he totally gets the darkness and goth stuff and loves wednesday (they all do). He also loves pink and purple stuff though is very straight. Kids are just loving that they can be really wildly authentic and try on different personas to see if they fit. It makes us as parents uncomfortable - or it makes you uncomfortable - bc you feel like it will encourage your child to 'deviate from the norm' in a way they would not otherwise. that may be true but it also may open their eyes to knowing themselves better and being really authentically them as well. either way, it's very typical.

Is it wildly authentic though? If it changes with trends, that’s hardly authentic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are far more aware these days, thanks to social media.

Early on, young kids are becoming aware of the climate-crisis, white-supremacy, all the transphobia, and maga through platforms like TikTok and Discord.

It’s not “darkness,” OP . It’s a good thing.

For a 10 year old? No, falling down online rabbit holes getting sucked into all that is so far from a good thing.

You don't have to fall down a rabbit hole to know Uncle johnnie is a maga, white-supremist, transphobic who doesn't believe in climate change.

This. Kids “learn” about these things FIRST from the bigots in their own families and religious communities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a lot of neurodiverse kids are a little dark. it's also considered 'cool' to be so now, and to be 'a little autistic'. My ds is 'a little autistic' so this is a very convenient fact for him. He's not 'dark' per se but he totally gets the darkness and goth stuff and loves wednesday (they all do). He also loves pink and purple stuff though is very straight. Kids are just loving that they can be really wildly authentic and try on different personas to see if they fit. It makes us as parents uncomfortable - or it makes you uncomfortable - bc you feel like it will encourage your child to 'deviate from the norm' in a way they would not otherwise. that may be true but it also may open their eyes to knowing themselves better and being really authentically them as well. either way, it's very typical.

Is it wildly authentic though? If it changes with trends, that’s hardly authentic.

well i think it's trying things on to see what fits. that's more authentic than adhering to a 'norm' imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The “dark” part is what worries me. Trust your instincts there. There was a neighborhood kid growing up who had really dark interests but was part of our group. He ended up in HS leading several of the neighborhood kids into drug using behavior. There are some other sad details I won’t get into. But this kid had a truly chilling vibe and it proved to be something that should have been a big red flag. Not your every day “goth” or “weird kid” and while I believe he was adhd, not your typical adhd kid either.

My point to you OP is trust your instincts even if you can’t put your finger on “it”

The dark part is because of fear of trump.

[Anonymous]

"My friend’s kid is at a totally appropriate age for testing out these type of identities and I feel like my kid who is a few years younger and much less mature is getting swept into before she’s ready or would otherwise be interested."

OP, this. You already said it yourself.

This is really all that needs to be said to your friend. It's fair and compassionate to both kids, who are just at different places developmentally right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a kid told me that they identity as autistic, I would immediately correct them. That's a diagnosis. Not an identity.

Adults need to start checking kids with this ridiculous stuff.

For better or worse, self-diagnosis is widespread. Usually a little older than 10 though, tbf.

Self diagnosis is out of control, especially since they made it so broad. Thirty year olds decide that they are autistic because they are not social or whatever. ADHD is right behind it with people incorrectly diagnosing themselves.

I have family members with Autism who will never live independently, never get married, have kids, never get past watching children’s shows in their 20’s.

I would explain to your 3rd grader that she is healthy and she does not have either of those disabilities. It’s trivializing the suffering of people who have severe cases. I would discuss it with the mother too. Tell her it’s not healthy for her child to live in a bleak fantasy world

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your friends about this? I mean the parents? If you are close, you can tell the 10 year old to stop trying to diagnose the 8 year old. Or if not, talk to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend’s rising 5th grader is very dark—into vampires, talking about death, etc. Also identifies as nonbinary and autistic but my friend has told me that the therapist is doubtful about both of those things—seems like the kid is just “trying out” identities.

We’ve always hung out a ton with their family but, as summer comes to an end, I’m feeling like the 5th grader is just sort of a source of bad info and a bad influence. For example, she has convinced by 3rd grader that she has ADHD (no doc or teacher has brought this up, but now my kid is convinced that she has adhd and is mad at me for “not treating it”). I don’t love a 10 year old diagnosing my 8 year old.

Anyway, I would have no issue with my kid having adhd or being gender queer or any of my friend’s kid’s identities but the whole situation just feels a little challenging. My friend’s kid is at a totally appropriate age for testing out these type of identities and I feel like my kid who is a few years younger and much less mature is getting swept into before she’s ready or would otherwise be interested.

Just not sure how to handle this. We love hanging out with this family.

How long before you accuse this kid of being a pedophile? The parents of the kid you are condemning should end all connections with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are far more aware these days, thanks to social media.

Early on, young kids are becoming aware of the climate-crisis, white-supremacy, all the transphobia, and maga through platforms like TikTok and Discord.

It’s not “darkness,” OP . It’s a good thing.

Can we be friends!
This op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are far more aware these days, thanks to social media.

Early on, young kids are becoming aware of the climate-crisis, white-supremacy, all the transphobia, and maga through platforms like TikTok and Discord.

It’s not “darkness,” OP . It’s a good thing.

Can we be friends!
This op

Being aware of these things is not the same thing as what OP was describing. I do have a friend whose teenager constantly catastrophizes over climate change -- like severe anxiety/depression over it -- and it is definitely not a good thing as it is interfering with her life. (That said, in that case it's entirely possible that it's not really about the climate change, but they're in the process of trying to get to the bottom of whether the climate change catastrophizing is a symptom or a cause of the depression/anxiety.) Also, I actually don't think it's a "good" thing for any 10 year old to be on TikTok and Discord.

[Anonymous]

The simple take-away is 10 year-olds should not be on TikTok or any other social media.

10 year-olds should not have phones at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a kid told me that they identity as autistic, I would immediately correct them. That's a diagnosis. Not an identity.

Adults need to start checking kids with this ridiculous stuff.

For better or worse, self-diagnosis is widespread. Usually a little older than 10 though, tbf.

Self diagnosis is out of control, especially since they made it so broad. Thirty year olds decide that they are autistic because they are not social or whatever. ADHD is right behind it with people incorrectly diagnosing themselves.

I have family members with Autism who will never live independently, never get married, have kids, never get past watching children’s shows in their 20’s.

I would explain to your 3rd grader that she is healthy and she does not have either of those disabilities. It’s trivializing the suffering of people who have severe cases. I would discuss it with the mother too. Tell her it’s not healthy for her child to live in a bleak fantasy world

do we know that op is certain her kid does not have a neurodiversity?
as the parent of a neurodiverse kid I see parents constantly in complete denial that their kid is neurodiverse. 'oh he's just a little inflexible and struggles with transitions and gets super competitive and doesn't like fruit' uhhhhh.
it's like people who don't know any better expect neurodiversity to look like a psychopath or someone rocking in a corner and flapping and it mostly does not.
This friend's kid has a point. Either way, op's kid either has adhd or whatever or they don't. I sometimes wonder if I have adhd and the wondering doesn't interfere with my life. In fact i think it's additive because it helps me better understand my brain.
everyone needs to stop pearl clutching bc kids self awareness isn't going anywhere, even if it's not always done in an optimal fashion.