Ranking of the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.

+1 I would tell your siblings in the context of "this is why we won't be back next [Christmas/beach week/whatever]". OP you seem to be beaten down by your insane mom with worrying what your siblings will think and not standing up for your nephew. But you need to stop being the damaged little girl and be the grownup. Protect your kids from this dynamic. Stop letting her treat your kids like this. Get some therapy if that's what it takes, but your job right now is not to try to get your mom's love or your siblings' approval, it's to raise your kids in a better environment than you were raised in.

I would also tell your 16 year old that you're sorry you exposed them to grandma, and they didn't deserve that, and you will make sure it never happens again.

I think it really depends on how the siblings will react. The favored siblings in my family would either deny it happened or downplay the statement. But in either event they wouldn't get the problem or consider it hurtful and would roll their eyes at me. Heck, when my other disfavored sibling disclosed that they'd been molested by a family member, my favored sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." You just can't make some people get it.

That's my point: stop caring if they get it. I'm not suggesting OP organize a boycott, just that she says she's not coming back because she's not going to expose her kids to this abuse. Siblings can do whatever they want. Mom can rerank the grandkids accordingly. None of that matters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.

+1 I would tell your siblings in the context of "this is why we won't be back next [Christmas/beach week/whatever]". OP you seem to be beaten down by your insane mom with worrying what your siblings will think and not standing up for your nephew. But you need to stop being the damaged little girl and be the grownup. Protect your kids from this dynamic. Stop letting her treat your kids like this. Get some therapy if that's what it takes, but your job right now is not to try to get your mom's love or your siblings' approval, it's to raise your kids in a better environment than you were raised in.

I would also tell your 16 year old that you're sorry you exposed them to grandma, and they didn't deserve that, and you will make sure it never happens again.

I think it really depends on how the siblings will react. The favored siblings in my family would either deny it happened or downplay the statement. But in either event they wouldn't get the problem or consider it hurtful and would roll their eyes at me. Heck, when my other disfavored sibling disclosed that they'd been molested by a family member, my favored sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." You just can't make some people get it.

That's my point: stop caring if they get it. I'm not suggesting OP organize a boycott, just that she says she's not coming back because she's not going to expose her kids to this abuse. Siblings can do whatever they want. Mom can rerank the grandkids accordingly. None of that matters!

That would just stir up drama in my family. I know I'd be labeled the instigator and then I'd be the center of drama. It's better to just "be busy" rather than try talking to the siblings, as they won't get it anyways.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my family. There are favorites, but no one has verbalized it. My sibling is the golden child and now her children rank higher than I do. If I mention something grandma said that seems unfair, sibling acts like it's all in my head and that I'm putting myself down. I feel like I was demoted from my higher position, and now I am treated with disdain by everyone in the family. I think grandmas lose their mental filter when they start going senile. They have to make up ranking systems to help them remember who they are close to but they also lose their empathy so say things that are totally inappropriate and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.

+1 I would tell your siblings in the context of "this is why we won't be back next [Christmas/beach week/whatever]". OP you seem to be beaten down by your insane mom with worrying what your siblings will think and not standing up for your nephew. But you need to stop being the damaged little girl and be the grownup. Protect your kids from this dynamic. Stop letting her treat your kids like this. Get some therapy if that's what it takes, but your job right now is not to try to get your mom's love or your siblings' approval, it's to raise your kids in a better environment than you were raised in.

I would also tell your 16 year old that you're sorry you exposed them to grandma, and they didn't deserve that, and you will make sure it never happens again.

I think it really depends on how the siblings will react. The favored siblings in my family would either deny it happened or downplay the statement. But in either event they wouldn't get the problem or consider it hurtful and would roll their eyes at me. Heck, when my other disfavored sibling disclosed that they'd been molested by a family member, my favored sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." You just can't make some people get it.

That's my point: stop caring if they get it. I'm not suggesting OP organize a boycott, just that she says she's not coming back because she's not going to expose her kids to this abuse. Siblings can do whatever they want. Mom can rerank the grandkids accordingly. None of that matters!

That would just stir up drama in my family. I know I'd be labeled the instigator and then I'd be the center of drama. It's better to just "be busy" rather than try talking to the siblings, as they won't get it anyways.

You're still playing the role of least favorite kid trying to win everyone's approval. It's pathological.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.

+1 I would tell your siblings in the context of "this is why we won't be back next [Christmas/beach week/whatever]". OP you seem to be beaten down by your insane mom with worrying what your siblings will think and not standing up for your nephew. But you need to stop being the damaged little girl and be the grownup. Protect your kids from this dynamic. Stop letting her treat your kids like this. Get some therapy if that's what it takes, but your job right now is not to try to get your mom's love or your siblings' approval, it's to raise your kids in a better environment than you were raised in.

I would also tell your 16 year old that you're sorry you exposed them to grandma, and they didn't deserve that, and you will make sure it never happens again.

I think it really depends on how the siblings will react. The favored siblings in my family would either deny it happened or downplay the statement. But in either event they wouldn't get the problem or consider it hurtful and would roll their eyes at me. Heck, when my other disfavored sibling disclosed that they'd been molested by a family member, my favored sister replied "Well, it couldn't have been that bad. You seem fine." You just can't make some people get it.

That's my point: stop caring if they get it. I'm not suggesting OP organize a boycott, just that she says she's not coming back because she's not going to expose her kids to this abuse. Siblings can do whatever they want. Mom can rerank the grandkids accordingly. None of that matters!

That would just stir up drama in my family. I know I'd be labeled the instigator and then I'd be the center of drama. It's better to just "be busy" rather than try talking to the siblings, as they won't get it anyways.

You're still playing the role of least favorite kid trying to win everyone's approval. It's pathological.

I gave up on being any sort of favorite years ago. I'm trying to avoid being the family's favorite punching bag. They're awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just returned from a trip to see my parents. My oldest told me that my mother told my niece her "ranking" of the grandkids. I'm livid! I absolutely believe that my mother did this because she told me the "ranking" of her children when I was 11 years old. It is still one of the most painful things to have to grow up with; I was least favorite. I told my mother how damaging this was in my teens, in my twenties, and again (much calmer) in my thirties. Now, in my late 40s and my mother has repeated this mistake with her grandkids. Do I tell my siblings?

My niece said this to my kid and her own sister. The sister responded sadly "that explains a lot" - she was ranked second to last.

How would others handle this? I'm at a loss. My brother was and is the favorite. He's probably the most rational of my two siblings. My sister can be spiteful like my mom or kind and understanding, so I don't really know what I'm going to get with her. My inclination will be that she tries to twist the information in a way that makes me look bad and at fault. My brother has a on his plate these days so I'm also not sure how he would respond, but I think his daughter was most hurt by this. Should they know so they can do damage control?

Terrible, but as a kid, I had a ranking of my grandparents too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Wow, that was an extremely weird thing for grandma to say. There’s enough love for everyone, we don’t need to rank people we love. How odd!”

My child is 16. I've also explained this behavior is why we don't spend Christmas there. I use this as one of 3-4 explicit examples. My mother is incapable of change (I believe she doesn't want to change), so I protect my kids. I'm worried about my nieces and nephews. When we were younger my siblings called me a liar when I told then some of the things she's done, so naturally, I'm hesitant to tell them, but I would want to know.

Tell your siblings in a factual way what you heard and how it is affecting their own children. They can verify with their own kids (I would). Then affirm your nieces and nephews as much as you can. I do think that, while awful, it's much less damaging when done to a grandchild as opposed to a parent.

There's a special kind of damage that comes from emotional abuse by a parent to their own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the least favorite and they sure made me know about it. Guess who they called when shit hit the fan and they needed help? Financial, emotional, "honey, we are losing our house". Their least favorite because their golden kids bailed on them. I did get my satisfaction.

Tell your DC that she doesn't owe them any type of relationship, let alone help. And save money on vacations visiting grandma.

Least favored kid here. I remember when I was going through a really rough patch in my 20s, asked for financial help to get out of it. My parents said "you got yourself into this, you get yourself out of this." Meanwhile, they were buying my sibling anything their heart desired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the least favorite and they sure made me know about it. Guess who they called when shit hit the fan and they needed help? Financial, emotional, "honey, we are losing our house". Their least favorite because their golden kids bailed on them. I did get my satisfaction.

Tell your DC that she doesn't owe them any type of relationship, let alone help. And save money on vacations visiting grandma.

Least favored kid here. I remember when I was going through a really rough patch in my 20s, asked for financial help to get out of it. My parents said "you got yourself into this, you get yourself out of this." Meanwhile, they were buying my sibling anything their heart desired.

When I came home for Christmas my freshman year my mom told me I was an adult now and wouldn't get Christmas presents because "we have to save our resources for the kids." On Christmas morning my three siblings opened MacBooks, dSLRs, iPods and mountains of other goodies. They also each opened a present I'd bought them with my minimum wage on campus job. I didn't get a single present.

I was the only child cut off from any birthday or Christmas presents upon becoming an adult.

[Anonymous]

I’m late 40s and have a brother and sister. I have a good trusting relationship with both but am much closer to my sister.

My sister is the youngest and was always the clear favorite of both parents. My brother and l knew this from a very young age. My dad also ranked us, my brother the lowest “useless” when he was about 10 years old, me being 2nd and “ok” and my sister being “the best”. I have these exact phrases seared in my brain 40 years later.

My sister didn’t hear the ranking but my brother and l did. I told her about it recently and told her how it probably F’d up my brother a lot, that ranking incident plus many others. He was a total slacker, failed classes and barely graduated high school. Then put himself through community college and then to university and got a degree and masters and graduated top of his class. And he’s an awesome dad.

So l finally told my sister and she didn’t immediately believe me but she did after a few minutes. He is a mean bastard but we tolerate him for our mom’s sake. If he pulled this S on the grandkids you can be sure l would tell everyone. Hopefully your sibs believe you and protect their kids.

My brother and l know we succeeded despite him. It’s not that we’ll ever be totally over it, but we’re aware of it and it doesn’t have power over us any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the least favorite and they sure made me know about it. Guess who they called when shit hit the fan and they needed help? Financial, emotional, "honey, we are losing our house". Their least favorite because their golden kids bailed on them. I did get my satisfaction.

Tell your DC that she doesn't owe them any type of relationship, let alone help. And save money on vacations visiting grandma.

Least favored kid here. I remember when I was going through a really rough patch in my 20s, asked for financial help to get out of it. My parents said "you got yourself into this, you get yourself out of this." Meanwhile, they were buying my sibling anything their heart desired.

When I came home for Christmas my freshman year my mom told me I was an adult now and wouldn't get Christmas presents because "we have to save our resources for the kids." On Christmas morning my three siblings opened MacBooks, dSLRs, iPods and mountains of other goodies. They also each opened a present I'd bought them with my minimum wage on campus job. I didn't get a single present.

I was the only child cut off from any birthday or Christmas presents upon becoming an adult.

Wow! Are you from the first marriage of your father?

This sounds like something only a (bad) step parent would instigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m late 40s and have a brother and sister. I have a good trusting relationship with both but am much closer to my sister.

My sister is the youngest and was always the clear favorite of both parents. My brother and l knew this from a very young age. My dad also ranked us, my brother the lowest “useless” when he was about 10 years old, me being 2nd and “ok” and my sister being “the best”. I have these exact phrases seared in my brain 40 years later.

My sister didn’t hear the ranking but my brother and l did. I told her about it recently and told her how it probably F’d up my brother a lot, that ranking incident plus many others. He was a total slacker, failed classes and barely graduated high school. Then put himself through community college and then to university and got a degree and masters and graduated top of his class. And he’s an awesome dad.

So l finally told my sister and she didn’t immediately believe me but she did after a few minutes. He is a mean bastard but we tolerate him for our mom’s sake. If he pulled this S on the grandkids you can be sure l would tell everyone. Hopefully your sibs believe you and protect their kids.

My brother and l know we succeeded despite him. It’s not that we’ll ever be totally over it, but we’re aware of it and it doesn’t have power over us any more.

I hope you succeeded “to spite” him rather than despite him. Seriously your success is the best thing you and do to show him he was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d start a ranking of family members and share it with your mother. Ensure she is last.

Then I’d never let her be alone w my kids ever again. And I’d spend as little time w her as possible.

Haha. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just returned from a trip to see my parents. My oldest told me that my mother told my niece her "ranking" of the grandkids. I'm livid! I absolutely believe that my mother did this because she told me the "ranking" of her children when I was 11 years old. It is still one of the most painful things to have to grow up with; I was least favorite. I told my mother how damaging this was in my teens, in my twenties, and again (much calmer) in my thirties. Now, in my late 40s and my mother has repeated this mistake with her grandkids. Do I tell my siblings?

My niece said this to my kid and her own sister. The sister responded sadly "that explains a lot" - she was ranked second to last.

How would others handle this? I'm at a loss. My brother was and is the favorite. He's probably the most rational of my two siblings. My sister can be spiteful like my mom or kind and understanding, so I don't really know what I'm going to get with her. My inclination will be that she tries to twist the information in a way that makes me look bad and at fault. My brother has a on his plate these days so I'm also not sure how he would respond, but I think his daughter was most hurt by this. Should they know so they can do damage control?

I don't read these very much but when I do I feel great about my own family. Your mother seems absolutely vicious and spiteful op. Wow

[Anonymous]

You need to tell the parents. They have a right to talk to their kids about it and try to mitigate damage.