Ranking of the grandkids

[Anonymous]

We just returned from a trip to see my parents. My oldest told me that my mother told my niece her "ranking" of the grandkids. I'm livid! I absolutely believe that my mother did this because she told me the "ranking" of her children when I was 11 years old. It is still one of the most painful things to have to grow up with; I was least favorite. I told my mother how damaging this was in my teens, in my twenties, and again (much calmer) in my thirties. Now, in my late 40s and my mother has repeated this mistake with her grandkids. Do I tell my siblings?

My niece said this to my kid and her own sister. The sister responded sadly "that explains a lot" - she was ranked second to last.

How would others handle this? I'm at a loss. My brother was and is the favorite. He's probably the most rational of my two siblings. My sister can be spiteful like my mom or kind and understanding, so I don't really know what I'm going to get with her. My inclination will be that she tries to twist the information in a way that makes me look bad and at fault. My brother has a on his plate these days so I'm also not sure how he would respond, but I think his daughter was most hurt by this. Should they know so they can do damage control?

[Anonymous]

You don’t. Kids figure it out quickly and will pull away.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand what this is. Like birth order or some shit like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand what this is. Like birth order or some shit like that.

Favored to least favored.

[Anonymous]

I’d start a ranking of family members and share it with your mother. Ensure she is last.

Then I’d never let her be alone w my kids ever again. And I’d spend as little time w her as possible.

[Anonymous]

I'd calmly ask my mother why she did that and what she thought she would get out of it. Like she didn't think it would get back to the less favored kids and make them less interested in a relationship with her?

And then I'd probably spend less time with her unless I or my kids actually enjoyed the time spent. And I would let my kids know that grandma pulled this sh*t when I was a child as well, and it's hurtful, and I don't know why she does it - some people are just immature that way - but it doesn't mean they are not wonderful people.

[Anonymous]

“Wow, that was an extremely weird thing for grandma to say. There’s enough love for everyone, we don’t need to rank people we love. How odd!”

[Anonymous]

This is very weird.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Family gatherings are probably unavoidable, let the grandma know her “ranking” among adults of the family. Mothers have a very strong position, grandmas - not so much. She probably just likes drama of pitting siblings/grandkids against each other and sitting back to watch an aftermath. Don’t bite. Make it into a ridiculous farce that it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Wow, that was an extremely weird thing for grandma to say. There’s enough love for everyone, we don’t need to rank people we love. How odd!”

I’d be more direct. “This is disappointing. Grandma thinks she can use emotional manipulation with her family members to get them to act in ways SHE wants. It’s not healthy or acceptable and I’m sorry she did that to you.”

And then I’d protect my daughter from this woman.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if I would go no contact (but I might). I definitely would go much lower contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t. Kids figure it out quickly and will pull away.

This, and honestly ask yourself why you haven't puled away. WHy do you allow your mom to treat you like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd calmly ask my mother why she did that and what she thought she would get out of it. Like she didn't think it would get back to the less favored kids and make them less interested in a relationship with her?

And then I'd probably spend less time with her unless I or my kids actually enjoyed the time spent. And I would let my kids know that grandma pulled this sh*t when I was a child as well, and it's hurtful, and I don't know why she does it - some people are just immature that way - but it doesn't mean they are not wonderful people.

She's clearly not a wonderful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd calmly ask my mother why she did that and what she thought she would get out of it. Like she didn't think it would get back to the less favored kids and make them less interested in a relationship with her?

And then I'd probably spend less time with her unless I or my kids actually enjoyed the time spent. And I would let my kids know that grandma pulled this sh*t when I was a child as well, and it's hurtful, and I don't know why she does it - some people are just immature that way - but it doesn't mean they are not wonderful people.

She's clearly not a wonderful person.

I meant the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d start a ranking of family members and share it with your mother. Ensure she is last.

Then I’d never let her be alone w my kids ever again. And I’d spend as little time w her as possible.

This.