Ranking of the grandkids

[Anonymous]

How many grandkids are there and how old are they?

I'd drastically reduce contact immediately, but then again, if my mom had said that to me at age 11, I don't think my kids would have ever had much a of a relationship with her to start.

I'd tell my siblings--they need to know. Sort of surprising that the daughter of your mom's favorite child is her second to least favorite grandchild. Usually kids of favorite kids equal favorite grandkids. (Many of them seem to have favorites, but they don't blatantly say it!)

[Anonymous]

It’s a Free Pass to not expend any mental or financial effort if ever she needs it in her old age, OP. You can explain this to your family, including her, if ever it comes up.

Distance yourself from your mother and explain to your kids, nieces and nephews that they are all wonderful humans, that you love them all to bits, and that their Grandma was wrong to rank them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Wow, that was an extremely weird thing for grandma to say. There’s enough love for everyone, we don’t need to rank people we love. How odd!”

My child is 16. I've also explained this behavior is why we don't spend Christmas there. I use this as one of 3-4 explicit examples. My mother is incapable of change (I believe she doesn't want to change), so I protect my kids. I'm worried about my nieces and nephews. When we were younger my siblings called me a liar when I told then some of the things she's done, so naturally, I'm hesitant to tell them, but I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Family gatherings are probably unavoidable, let the grandma know her “ranking” among adults of the family. Mothers have a very strong position, grandmas - not so much. She probably just likes drama of pitting siblings/grandkids against each other and sitting back to watch an aftermath. Don’t bite. Make it into a ridiculous farce that it is.

Kids are 4-16. I don't think telling her I know will result in anything positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Family gatherings are probably unavoidable, let the grandma know her “ranking” among adults of the family. Mothers have a very strong position, grandmas - not so much. She probably just likes drama of pitting siblings/grandkids against each other and sitting back to watch an aftermath. Don’t bite. Make it into a ridiculous farce that it is.

Kids are 4-16. I don't think telling her I know will result in anything positive.

I agree. My mother doesn’t have a filter and despite my best efforts she won’t change. I won’t leave her alone with my teen kids because without me there she will find something to upset them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a Free Pass to not expend any mental or financial effort if ever she needs it in her old age, OP. You can explain this to your family, including her, if ever it comes up.

Distance yourself from your mother and explain to your kids, nieces and nephews that they are all wonderful humans, that you love them all to bits, and that their Grandma was wrong to rank them.

I do this already. We spend about 5 days a year with them. I'm so angry that she would do this.

She is always saying how Larla (the second to last) is just like me. Always. I always correct her "no, she's John's kid. She's just like John"

[Anonymous]

Is your mom a narcissist? Yes, I know the word is throw around here a lot, but I think that is because we are now more aware of toxic behaviors and know what to call them.
Only a horribly abusive parent would say something like that.
My young adult kids will ask me who is my favorite, lol! I have two kids. I tell DD that she is my favorite daughter and that my son is my favorite son.

[Anonymous]

FIL made it clear that the oldest grandson was his favorite. FIL is also a narcissist, as explained to me by his DD, the mom of the once favorite.
It was not hard for all the grandkids to see that, though.
Now, that grandson dropped out of college, is a pothead, works in a small store, and is nothing narc grandpa can brag about.
He is now bragging about my DD, who works in media and meets famous people.
Also, he ranks grandkids by how thin they are, even though he is obese.
Such parents and grandparents are pathetic losers, and I feel for you, OP, that you grew up with such a horrible parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your mom a narcissist? Yes, I know the word is throw around here a lot, but I think that is because we are now more aware of toxic behaviors and know what to call them.
Only a horribly abusive parent would say something like that.
My young adult kids will ask me who is my favorite, lol! I have two kids. I tell DD that she is my favorite daughter and that my son is my favorite son.

I'm not sure if she's a narcissist or has another mental illness, like bipolar or something else. All I know it that it was psychologically abusive to grow up in that environment and I've done quite a bit to overcome and not repeat the behaviors, including parenting classes.

My siblings see a bit of it now because of the things she says to their kids, but they did not experience it the way I did. Is it worth telling then about this?

I also witnessed my mom shaming my nephew about food in an abusive sort of way. I was a big like a deer in headlights and didn't say anything at the time. Do I tell my sibling? Would they even believe me? Sometimes I think my sibling just passes on the abuse we experienced to their children and I'm not even sure what the right course of action is. To be clear, it's emotional/psychological abuse only.

I won't see any of them again until the 3-5 day obligatory trip next summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d start a ranking of family members and share it with your mother. Ensure she is last.

Then I’d never let her be alone w my kids ever again. And I’d spend as little time w her as possible.

This.

Yes, give it right back to her and tell her she’s dead last.

[Anonymous]

It reminds me of this viral video of a grandma ranking her grandkids (grandkids are all adults and seemed to be onboard)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmJyPeV14ZQ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d start a ranking of family members and share it with your mother. Ensure she is last.

Then I’d never let her be alone w my kids ever again. And I’d spend as little time w her as possible.

This.

Yes, give it right back to her and tell her she’s dead last.

I'm confused what the intended outcome would be - to hurt an already damaged elderly woman? How would this help the grandkids?

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Maybe it's better than her having favorites and not being transparent about it? My parents played favorites in mean ways and then gaslit us about it, pretending it was all in our head.

Finally, my senior year of highschool I had a big fight with my father and my mom blurted out that he'd never wanted me and resented me existing. She then told a bunch of stories of him treating me poorly as an infant. He actually admitted it. It ended up being such a relief that I didn't have to keep wondering why I wasn't loved like my siblings and seeking his approval. If he didn't love me even as an infant when I couldn't have done anything wrong, then it was a problem with him and not with me. It still hurts that I don't have a father who loves me, but he can't hurt me anymore. He's nothing to me but someone I know.

My mother also plays favorites, but in more subtle ways. That's been harder to digest and still hurts a lot. So much manipulation.

I'd definitely help your child work through this, letting them know it's a problem with Grandma and not them. Then I'd reduce contact and help them build loving relationships with other family members. They'll never be a favorite and it's not worth the pain of continuing anything but a cursory relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you tell your siblings. Then, you tell your mother that you heard about her ranking system and this fact places her firmly in the bottom of your favorite family list. You need a break from your mean girl mom and your kids get a pass from visiting also.

[Anonymous]

"Wow, what an *ss*ole thing of Grandma to say. How pathetic that she thinks just because she has favorites it would mean any one person is better than any other person. Obviously we know everyone in our family is loved."

And then just drop it. It'll be so great if your kids/the cousins all band together and shut Grandma down if she ever brings it up again. "Grandma I don't WANT to be your favorite because that's hurtful to Emma and Grant. We love each other equally and hope you do too."