Is cohabitation before marriage a good thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people move in together because they think it’s the next step, to save money, to test compatibility. But then it becomes much more difficult to end a relationship once you’ve moved in. It’s no longer just a simple conversation and then moving on with your life. Some couples remain together when they’d otherwise have broken up. Also studies in this century have shown that couples usually are not on the same page when it comes to cohabitation. In heterosexual relationships, women often see it as a step toward marriage while men do not.

From my sample size of one, I lived with my first husband before we got married and yes, I did feel like unraveling it all would be such an ordeal so I went along with getting married even though I shouldn't have. He wasn't abusive, he didn't cheat, we just weren't on the same page in terms of what we wanted our life to look like and what we were willing to do to achieve that and I kind of new it before we got married and should have called it off but didn't. I was 26 when we got married and we got divorced (100% my decision) when I was 30, before we had kids.

I never lived with my second husband before we got married mostly due to logistics about our condo and apartment but we spent a lot of time at each other's places and also spent time apart. I feel like I was much more discerning when dating him (I had met my first husband when I was only 21 and he as four years older) and we've been very happily married for 15 years. I can definitely see the benefits of living together, but I also feel like I was able to figure out what I needed to know from not living together the second time, so I think it's more about how/whether you gather information and what you do with it then the sole fact of cohabiting.

But would have married or broken up with your first husband if you didn’t live together? Sort of sounds like you would have married him in either case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. No. No. Bad idea.

Why buy the cow if you’re getting the milk for free?

Women aren’t cows; grow up.

Living together is fantastic practice for possibly spending the rest of your lives married to each other.

Women do lose more with test driving years by wasting their fertile years.

Some women don’t want kids. I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a good idea.
It is sinful to have sex and cohabitate before marriage.

Right. Everyone should live by your morals and rules, because they're better than every other anonymous person. Nah!

OP, Of course it's a good idea. Old fashioned ideas like the one above come from the days before birth control and modern medicine. It was just common sense back then and became indoctrinated in religion. Similar to the pork rules some religions or being vegetarian in others - rules that made sense before the controls we have in modern agricultural practices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not many people have answered this, but if you do decide to live together, it should be no longer than a year before you get engaged. Otherwise move on. So many women waste their fertile years waiting on a proposal from a man they are living with.

This is such a weird mindset of assuming that every woman wants to get married asap and is just waiting on the man.

That may be true in some cases but realize that it doesn’t have to be. You actually have the power to discuss marriage, kids and to propose.

We were on the same page the whole time— lived together for 3 years, been married 30.

OP asked how long should one live together. Most women move in as a step toward marriage, while men do not. And biologically women have more to lose by staying in a dead-end cohabitation relationship.

https://news.umich.edu/he-says-she-says-men-and-women-view-living-together-very-differently/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people move in together because they think it’s the next step, to save money, to test compatibility. But then it becomes much more difficult to end a relationship once you’ve moved in. It’s no longer just a simple conversation and then moving on with your life. Some couples remain together when they’d otherwise have broken up. Also studies in this century have shown that couples usually are not on the same page when it comes to cohabitation. In heterosexual relationships, women often see it as a step toward marriage while men do not.

From my sample size of one, I lived with my first husband before we got married and yes, I did feel like unraveling it all would be such an ordeal so I went along with getting married even though I shouldn't have. He wasn't abusive, he didn't cheat, we just weren't on the same page in terms of what we wanted our life to look like and what we were willing to do to achieve that and I kind of new it before we got married and should have called it off but didn't. I was 26 when we got married and we got divorced (100% my decision) when I was 30, before we had kids.

I never lived with my second husband before we got married mostly due to logistics about our condo and apartment but we spent a lot of time at each other's places and also spent time apart. I feel like I was much more discerning when dating him (I had met my first husband when I was only 21 and he as four years older) and we've been very happily married for 15 years. I can definitely see the benefits of living together, but I also feel like I was able to figure out what I needed to know from not living together the second time, so I think it's more about how/whether you gather information and what you do with it then the sole fact of cohabiting.

But would have married or broken up with your first husband if you didn’t live together? Sort of sounds like you would have married him in either case?

I think I might have called the wedding off. I distinctly recall one thought of calling it off and then thinking it would such a hassle to untangle our shared DVD collection. Obviously that sounds ridiculous, but I did feel like our lives were so enmeshed that I didn't know how to get out. And because he didn't have any bad qualities and he really was my best friend and we rarely fought and truly enjoyed each other's company I thought I should just marry him. After we got married and kids became something on the actual horizon instead of a hypothetical one it became really apparent how different we were. So who knows, and honestly I would go through it all again if it was the only way to meet my current husband, but I do think there is something to say about being lulled by complacency and/or feeling too tangled up with each other if you live together. But again, I don't think that's true for everyone.

[Anonymous]

And biologically women have more to lose by staying in a dead-end cohabitation relationship.

Cohabitation doesn’t actually equate to dead-end. In fact, a marriage can also be described as dead-end.

[Anonymous]

A test market is always a good idea but having had a serious discussion marriage should be a prerequisite.

[Anonymous]

We moved in together halfway through our year-long engagement and that worked great for us...married 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Get engaged first at the least so you are both committed to moving forward. Don’t allow a man to force you into a wife audition. He is either committed or he isn’t, let him make his choice.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the people and the relationship. Where I’ve seen the living together not be a good thing is if it makes the right decision harder. Either the person knows deep down it isn’t the right person but it’s that much harder when breaking up means also finding a new place to live and splitting up property. Or when they know it is right (or could be) but get very comfortable living together and maybe start taking things for granted in a way that they wouldn’t if they lived separately.

If you know that living together won’t keep either of you in relationship when it’s not right no matter the challenges of breaking up and it won’t delay marriage when it is right - I don’t see an issue. But people hate doing the hard things and have to work hard to make sure they aren’t taking someone for granted in situations where it’s easy to do so. I know myself and it was better to wait until there was a marriage commitment before living together. I knew I could figure out what I needed to know over 2-3 years spending much or our time at each other’s place and also having opportunities to travel together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely a good idea. You want to see what the other person considers dirty vs messy, if they slam cabinets or close them gently and overall are they easy on their things or hard on them, do they have a no-shoes household or not, do they have guests over a lot, etc.

None of those are a deal breaker.

Sorry, you're the love of my life but you are hard on items so we need to break up.

Lol, idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely a good idea. You want to see what the other person considers dirty vs messy, if they slam cabinets or close them gently and overall are they easy on their things or hard on them, do they have a no-shoes household or not, do they have guests over a lot, etc.

Do you not spend time at each other’s places while dating?

that is not the same.

It told me everything I needed to know. No surprises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes very good idea. Those “studies” you cite are like forty years old, had questionable methods and are typically just cited by religious people. Honestly at this point I think they might be mythology. People were citing those same studies when I was a teen in the 90s.

Nope, the studies continue to show the same data they have for decades. Cohabitation increases divorce rates regardless of religious background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wish I had. I am divorced. No way I would have married if we had lived together beforehand.

Those studies are decades old and when most women did not have careers. It is a different world now.

Curious as to why you wouldn’t have married?

He was controlling in all ways and emotionally abusive. I would have seen this if we had lived together.

Or he would have hidden it from you like he did while dating until you were married and he felt like you were trapped. You have no idea. Abusers often are tactical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And biologically women have more to lose by staying in a dead-end cohabitation relationship.

Cohabitation doesn’t actually equate to dead-end. In fact, a marriage can also be described as dead-end.

Half of the marriages end up in divorces, rest into shared misery, only a small percentage finds mostly happily ever after.