Embarrassed I can't afford friend trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

Wow. That's not fair to the friends. Case in point: my best college friends and I get together annually. Two of us have seven figure incomes, and two of us are teachers. When we get together, we split things differently. For example, when we went to NYC, one person paid for the hotel, one for the food, one for theater tickets, one for spa treatments. The people with more money pay for the more expensive items, but all of us contribute an important part of the trip. No one is thus a charity case. We are in different places financially but why on earth would we judge each other about that? We have been through life-threatening illnesses together, and lost one of our closest friends to cancer. Life is too short to let money get in the way of maintaining your closest friendship.

I think it really depends on the group whether this can work. Sounds like what happens with your group is organic and there isn’t really a negotiating of budgets and assuming everyone can equally split from the outset.

I also have a group of friends with somewhat varied income. One of the friends is childfree with a good income so she has more to spend. She also travels a lot so has built up a lot of points (or at least that is what she claims). She tends to pick up some of the big ticket items like hotel and related extras “on points” so we can stay somewhere we otherwise may not have afforded. For all I know she is lying about how far her points stretch, but I appreciate she downplays the gesture and never makes the rest of us feel bad. (We all then usually take turns buying dinner/drinks and will try to pick up a bit extra since our friend got the hotel room).

If I had to sit down with a spreadsheet and go over financial contributions or something awkward then I wouldn’t want to go.

I agree with a PP who said it’s the sort of rich who are the worst (they expect everyone else to be able to spend like them, but don’t have the money/grace to find a way to pick up the tab without making others feel weird about it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

I suggested being honest based on my experience. I get together every year with 4 high school friends. 2 of us have 7 figure incomes, 1 is a guidance counselor and single, the other does fine but has a lot of special needs expenses and is stretched thin. We’re old friends and know this about each other. We handle it similarly to the poster who said everyone contributes but contributes differently. There’s absolutely no feelings of anyone being a charity case. Zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two best friends from college and I go on a trip every year or so. We are in our late 30s. They both are doing very well financially - the one is childfree and between her and her husband make about $500k. The other has two kids and married into wealth. They own three houses. Neither of them live in the DC area anymore.

We are trying to plan a trip for this year and they want to go really big but I can't do that, and I am embarrassed. I have two kids and both DH and I make decent money (HHI around 350k) but between our house, expensive out of pocket therapy for our special needs kid, and our family's own savings goals, I really can't spend multiple thousands of dollars on a girls' trip. I kept trying to steer the conversation to something lower key and then finally had to explicitly say, "I can't spend X," which got awkward.

I feel pretty lame and embarrassed that I can't keep up and that I should be doing better at this age.

You simply tell them that you can't go with them this trip. No other explanation is needed

[Anonymous]

Why would "good" friends not be honest!
"I can't afford it." Speak it. At least tell the truth. These are friends. Don't be a bad communicator on purpose ... or think they should know.