Embarrassed I can't afford friend trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two best friends from college and I go on a trip every year or so. We are in our late 30s. They both are doing very well financially - the one is childfree and between her and her husband make about $500k. The other has two kids and married into wealth. They own three houses. Neither of them live in the DC area anymore.

We are trying to plan a trip for this year and they want to go really big but I can't do that, and I am embarrassed. I have two kids and both DH and I make decent money (HHI around 350k) but between our house, expensive out of pocket therapy for our special needs kid, and our family's own savings goals, I really can't spend multiple thousands of dollars on a girls' trip. I kept trying to steer the conversation to something lower key and then finally had to explicitly say, "I can't spend X," which got awkward.

I feel pretty lame and embarrassed that I can't keep up and that I should be doing better at this age.

You're in your late 30's with an HHI of $350K?!? You are doing VERY WELL. I say that kindly, I hope you can see that.

Sigh. Come on, man. You’re missing the point. If she goes on the trip, it would mean laying off the upstairs maid, downsizing to a cheaper Bentley, & not being able to send all her kids full-pay to Wesleyan to learn how horrible capitalism is. This is serious stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My two best friends from college and I go on a trip every year or so. We are in our late 30s. They both are doing very well financially - the one is childfree and between her and her husband make about $500k. The other has two kids and married into wealth. They own three houses. Neither of them live in the DC area anymore.

We are trying to plan a trip for this year and they want to go really big but I can't do that, and I am embarrassed. I have two kids and both DH and I make decent money (HHI around 350k) but between our house, expensive out of pocket therapy for our special needs kid, and our family's own savings goals, I really can't spend multiple thousands of dollars on a girls' trip. I kept trying to steer the conversation to something lower key and then finally had to explicitly say, "I can't spend X," which got awkward.

I feel pretty lame and embarrassed that I can't keep up and that I should be doing better at this age.

You're in your late 30's with an HHI of $350K?!? You are doing VERY WELL. I say that kindly, I hope you can see that.

+1000 Op, don't lose touch because your friends have.

Yes, this is kind of pathetic. I make much less than that and feel rich. I pity people who actually are rich but feel poor.

[Anonymous]

They can go without you or you can propose they come to you.

[Anonymous]

Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly get over it. Most people aren't doing nearly as well as you are - and your friends are being ridiculous, and extremely tone deaf.

But also, seriously, get over it.

Why did you respond? There was nothing useful for the OP in your words whatsoever. Log off.

Spewing negativity for no reason makes you look like an ass. Stop it.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. At $350K, there is no reason you can't go. This makes no sense. We 1/3 that income and lots of therapies for child (as in 1-2 times a day, more on the 2 times a day privately) and we managed to save just fine.

[Anonymous]

Make some down to Earth friends. Better company

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

[Anonymous]

Why are you embarrassed? If it got awkward after you said you can't spend big, I'd say you've outgrown your friends. From now on everything you do together will be under a suspicion: they will always think you're trying to keep up outspending your limits. You'll never be able to convince them otherwise. That's what happens in materialistic world. Find some friends that aren't bent on showing off their wealth.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people are saying her friends are oblivious to their privilege or out of touch. It sounds like they all make good money so probably didn't think OP wouldn't be able to afford it. It doesn't sound like they said anything bad or opted to leave OP out once they realized she couldn't afford it.

[Anonymous]

I dealt with this last year with a bachelorette. The majority of the women made over 750k, with a few making 1m each. The bride was the one who actually couldn't afford what they were proposing. The rich women whined a lot. In the end we did plan a great exotic trip that was scaled down. My parents often do this to my family too, but I just speak up. DH and I often stay down the street at the cheap hotel and they stay in their fancy one.

I'm actually fiscally conservative, but I really didn't understand why the richer women couldn't just pay more so the bride could go. I would never say that out loud, but what's 5k to someone who makes 1m? (And these truly were their salaries). If the rich women wanted the trip and they also wanted their friends on it, why wouldn't they just pay more? As it is, we often share rooms and they pay more and get the master.

[Anonymous]

It's the rich, but not super rich, friends that spoil trips like this. Rich enough to make everyone else spend $$$ but not super rich enough to fly everyone out there on their private jet.

[Anonymous]

It probably got awkward because you didn't just say this from the beginning. I'd feel awful and embarrassed if we were planning and discussing it and ten days later, my friend says, "I can't afford any of that." I'd feel really bad that my friend felt bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two best friends from college and I go on a trip every year or so. We are in our late 30s. They both are doing very well financially - the one is childfree and between her and her husband make about $500k. The other has two kids and married into wealth. They own three houses. Neither of them live in the DC area anymore.

We are trying to plan a trip for this year and they want to go really big but I can't do that, and I am embarrassed. I have two kids and both DH and I make decent money (HHI around 350k) but between our house, expensive out of pocket therapy for our special needs kid, and our family's own savings goals, I really can't spend multiple thousands of dollars on a girls' trip. I kept trying to steer the conversation to something lower key and then finally had to explicitly say, "I can't spend X," which got awkward.

I feel pretty lame and embarrassed that I can't keep up and that I should be doing better at this age.

Use it as inspiration to strive for the lifestyle you want but don't be embarrassed if you don't want or can't afford it at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two best friends from college and I go on a trip every year or so. We are in our late 30s. They both are doing very well financially - the one is childfree and between her and her husband make about $500k. The other has two kids and married into wealth. They own three houses. Neither of them live in the DC area anymore.

We are trying to plan a trip for this year and they want to go really big but I can't do that, and I am embarrassed. I have two kids and both DH and I make decent money (HHI around 350k) but between our house, expensive out of pocket therapy for our special needs kid, and our family's own savings goals, I really can't spend multiple thousands of dollars on a girls' trip. I kept trying to steer the conversation to something lower key and then finally had to explicitly say, "I can't spend X," which got awkward.

I feel pretty lame and embarrassed that I can't keep up and that I should be doing better at this age.

Oh OP do not feel lame or embarrassed.

This is reality and you are doing so great. Please just tell your friends I am sure they will understand.