Embarrassed I can't afford friend trip

[Anonymous]

It was an awkward situation that is now over. It was awkward for everyone. But it sounds like you are good friends, so just try to move on. I think people can lost sight of the value of money. I remember struggling when my son was young (I went part time) and someone said something like “it’s only $50” and I had to explain that was a lot of money for some people. There was an awkward moment - but mostly for the folks that realized they were being clueless. Other times, I have probably been the clueless one. I appreciate when people are just honest and direct and say it’s too much money.

[Anonymous]

I’m in my early 50s and can barely afford the biannual girls trip with my girlfriends and their families. All are two-professional HHI and I’m just one, I make about 1/3 of their HHI. I save up for it for 2 years.

[Anonymous]

"I know you want to go really big but I can't do that." They are either willing to adjust, or they are not. If you are friends, they know you. They know you, value you, like you regardless of your financials. You also have to be gracious and let them go without you, if that is what happens. I personally hope they don't but if they do, you all will just need to work on other ways to be together sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

Wow. That's not fair to the friends. Case in point: my best college friends and I get together annually. Two of us have seven figure incomes, and two of us are teachers. When we get together, we split things differently. For example, when we went to NYC, one person paid for the hotel, one for the food, one for theater tickets, one for spa treatments. The people with more money pay for the more expensive items, but all of us contribute an important part of the trip. No one is thus a charity case. We are in different places financially but why on earth would we judge each other about that? We have been through life-threatening illnesses together, and lost one of our closest friends to cancer. Life is too short to let money get in the way of maintaining your closest friendship.

[Anonymous]

Since they are both best friends of yours that you have known awhile - they should know somewhat where you are financially.

And even if they do not >> it is okay for you to let them know.

Simply tell them that you cannot afford a trip that will cost x amount however if they both really want to go somewhere that does then you will be okay if you need to opt out this yr.

In my opinion, I think it would be rude if any friends took a vacation w/o me after vacationing w/me on a regular basis but I also wouldn’t want them to feel as if they cannot do something that they truly want to do.

Good luck! 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

That happened to me and you know what? My rich HS friend said no worries I will pay your share because I can and I want and because ILU , so yeah we went to Europe for a month , we had so much fun and that was it! If they are really good friends you have to talk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

Oh please. I make more than my best friend and have paid for her to accompany me on trips I knew she couldn't afford multiple times and I have never considered her as a charity case. She's a teacher and makes a lot less money than I do although I think she actually works harder!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why people are saying her friends are oblivious to their privilege or out of touch. It sounds like they all make good money so probably didn't think OP wouldn't be able to afford it. It doesn't sound like they said anything bad or opted to leave OP out once they realized she couldn't afford it.

Yes, this. Clearly a lot of you have chips on your shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since they are both best friends of yours that you have known awhile - they should know somewhat where you are financially.

And even if they do not >> it is okay for you to let them know.

Simply tell them that you cannot afford a trip that will cost x amount however if they both really want to go somewhere that does then you will be okay if you need to opt out this yr.

In my opinion, I think it would be rude if any friends took a vacation w/o me after vacationing w/me on a regular basis but I also wouldn’t want them to feel as if they cannot do something that they truly want to do.

Good luck! 👍🏽

I can only guess at the salaries of my three best college friends. And beyond that, I have no idea what their expenses are like. I think it's silly to assume these friends knew OP wouldn't be able to comfortably afford the trip. There's no reason to assume any bad intent on their part.

[Anonymous]

There is something so interesting about this post, I think I'm going to have to bring it up for discussion with my teens over dinner. I'd be interested in their take.

Sorry OP, no help here.

[Anonymous]

OP look up "loud budgeting." https://www.tiktok.com/@lukasbattle/video/7318206234392349995?lang=en

[Anonymous]

Troll.

My friends and i are are all teachers with masters degrees and years of experience and none of of us makes 100k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

My friends and i are are all teachers with masters degrees and years of experience and none of of us makes 100k.

Where did OP say she’s a teacher ? I don’t think she ever replied again on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. I make more than my best friend and have paid for her to accompany me on trips I knew she couldn't afford multiple times and I have never considered her as a charity case. She's a teacher and makes a lot less money than I do although I think she actually works harder!

You are a wonderful friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most importantly, don't feel bad.
But you should be honest about your budget. The time together is the most important thing, and your friends will either subsidize or change plans to fit your budget (but rich people don't like less than luxury travel so they'll probably want to pay more for you. I would 100% let them)

New poster. Nope, nope, nope. OP, letting them subsidize your trip will not end well. Sure, the trip itself might be fine, a blast, even, but how would you feel knowing that they might be looking at you -- however kindly meant -- as their charity case friend? They already have demonstrated how very, very tone-deaf they are, when they were too self-involved to pick up on your repeated attempts to plan a less pricey trip. If they subsidize you on THEIR desired and affordable trip, you are possibly going to feel like you're just tagging along, no matter what they say to the contrary.

Someone posted earlier on this thread that real friends would understand that you can't necessarily afford what they an afford without a second thought. Someone else here characterized them as "out of touch." Both those posts were correct. Most of all, please take a hard look at why you feel embarrassed. You and your family are doing extremely well. Don't carry on feeling you "must" travel with friends who don't get YOU -- who don't know without being told that having a special needs child, saving like a mature grown-up saves, etc. are all vitally important. They seem materialistic and oblivious to their own privilege, OP. You seem like an adult, busy adulting.

Wow. That's not fair to the friends. Case in point: my best college friends and I get together annually. Two of us have seven figure incomes, and two of us are teachers. When we get together, we split things differently. For example, when we went to NYC, one person paid for the hotel, one for the food, one for theater tickets, one for spa treatments. The people with more money pay for the more expensive items, but all of us contribute an important part of the trip. No one is thus a charity case. We are in different places financially but why on earth would we judge each other about that? We have been through life-threatening illnesses together, and lost one of our closest friends to cancer. Life is too short to let money get in the way of maintaining your closest friendship.

Your friends sound like they're aware of and sensitive to people's different financial situations. That's great. OP's friends do not seem to have similar awareness or sensitivity.

Your friends don't judge. But in OP's shoes, after having had to basically force them to see she can't afford what they can--I'd question whether my friends were judging, since they were so oblivious until bluntly told the situation. And the fact that OP feels embarrassed that she isn't keeping up with her friends' lifestyles is pretty telling; if she felt 100 percent comfortable with them, why would she feel embarrassment over finances? Sounds like friendships which may not run as deep or be as comfortable as yours fortunately are.