How to navigate this with a new baby

[Anonymous]

It’s big of you to want to forgive your mom and try to move on, but she has not changed and does not get it. Eventually she will share photos (holidays, or snapped on her phone while you aren’t looking) and she will not understand what is wrong with that. She will also mention to the kids about each other’s existence on both sides. She’s already shown you that.

I would cut her out, and permanently this time. Eventually when you hear from the SIL (because your mother will actually tell them, if she has not already), tell her that she married a monster and that’s why you refuse contact, and if she tries to contact you again or get access to your child in any way including photos then you will track down her children and let them know in great detail what a monster their father is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

I think you need to sit down. Her brother is a REAL threat. A known threat.

No, no more so than any other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

We don’t prosecute crimes against kids that young. It’s too traumatic for the child survivors. Even if we found out, we would do nothing.

- SVU prosecutor

You’re not because if you were you’d know pedophiles aren’t “one and done” kind of people. There is almost certainly plenty of fodder to go after him for that’s very recent and/or active. And yes OP is complicit - by staying silent she’s allowing a pedophile to likely repeat this over and over again *to his own kids* so yes all family members who are 18+ and know about his heinous crimes are complicit.

If the brother was also a child when all this occurred, does this label actually fit him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

We don’t prosecute crimes against kids that young. It’s too traumatic for the child survivors. Even if we found out, we would do nothing.

- SVU prosecutor

You are not a prosecutor , these crimes do get prosecuted.
Not as often as justice would call for but it happens.

[Anonymous]

I think your mom just wants to appear normal and like you said really cares more about her own reputation and relationship to others than to you. I have the same mom and similar situation so I know. She wasn't good at protecting you then and won't now because all she knows how to do is protect herself. I don't know why you asked her to do anything for you. You know you are not her top priority and I'm sure she knows she will never be healthy in your eyes. I'm sure she reached out simply to have a relationship with your child and not you. I'd only do it if you wanted to give her the gift of photos to share with others since she really only cares about keeping up appearances and another one way relationship with your child to appear a doting grandma. It's narcissism and they can't change. You need therapy to figure out why you keep asking people to do things that their personality shows they can't and won't do. Either have a relationship that you know they will never do you a favor for or ever say they are sorry or drop the relationship. This person can only do anything for you where they are viewed as all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

Already working on it. The fear that my brother will masturbate to my child the same way he did to my baby photos is a very valid fear. And I will be as vigilant with pedos known and not known near and far..

Jesus. Your brother sounds like a monster. Does SIL know about this? I don’t understand how men like this get to roam free in our society and that someone would marry and procreate with him. I hope your poor nephews are okay. How did your mom have her head in the sand about letting this go on? I have a son and daughter and would lose my effing mind if this happened (loads of therapy and vigilance would be in order assuming young enough to rehabilitate).

I get why you need to set this boundary (even if it may not really happen), once you’ve been victimized, you deserve to reclaim control how you can. If your mom can’t be 100% on board with it, then I agree she loses access to her granddaughter. You’re a saint for even allowing her to try with you again.

Sil does know. She found out years ago before they had they their first. I did press charges against my dance teacher who was my second abuser and during the trial his defense brought up that he didn't do anything wrong because my brother was the first. My sil was at the trial. My mom and brother were not. Sil believes that my dance teacher was lying to shift blame. However I do think you see and believe what you want because I also heard from our small town that my sil enrolled my older nephew in a hip hop class at the same dance studio the teacher worked at. My dance teacher got 2 10 year sentences and then died in 2020 less than a year after being released.

I really don't know about my mother. I suspect she had similar abuse in her family growing up. Culturally it happened and was just something you deal with. She's made comments alluding to this in the past. I can't even imagine. I was also so young. My dad actually wanted to call the cops when they walked in and she stopped him. I remember her asking me what happened and all I could do is cry I was also told to sit int he corner and got spanked so I really thought I was in trouble but my mom said she would take me to the Dr and they had ways of knowing if anything had happened. I remember thinking great I don't have to say it the Dr will but she never took me in. She failed in a lot of ways. I have a vague memory of being in a teacher/parent meeting and one of my teachers bringing up concerns and my mom ignoring also being upset that i was showing signs of something being wrong. I really think for her shame and outward appearances mattered more. The only thing she said when I went to trial for my dance teacher was thank God I used a pseudoname because I was a minor and it came out in the press. I would also lose my mind and really don't understand as a parent how you protect one child at the expense of the other..

OP, as you know, this is so f-Ed up. I’m sorry. Your mom failed you in the worst way a parent can. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say that I have a similar mom, but absent the SA in my history. I worked hard to curate some type of grandmother role for her when my first child was born. She was on better and sometimes even good behavior for a few years. Of course I had fo be very careful around her to maintain a semblance of a peaceful relationship. Fast forward a few years and the other side of her came out more and more. Finally I had enough and cut her off but now my daughter is asking why we don’t see grandma etc… I’ve told her enough so she has an answer but she is still too young for me to elaborate and I don’t think I ever fully will as I don’t want that drama in her head.

Point is, this is an opportune time to let things be as they are and not put effort into this relationship that is unhealthy and stressful. More trouble will come.

I agree with those saying to go to therapy to process. I still struggle with the desire for there to be a mother relationship, but I realize more and more this is a natural desire for a mother figure and not actually a desire for the mother I was fated to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Others have already chimed in with really good advice but coming from a related situation (brother was SA’d by a cousin and my aunt and mother knew) - if your mom didn’t protect you then, and still wants your SIL to know (she’s already told them btw) - she’s not gonna protect your baby. You’re now responsible for protecting your baby and you have the ability to do so. Take ownership of that and feel proud that you will and can protect her.

I’d go no contact again as painful as it is. Your duty is to your daughter now and your mother likely has not changed a bit. She will fail to respect your boundaries.

+1. I understand wanting to give mom a chance, and having empathy for the limited resources she had at the time - it all makes you sound superhumanly gracious and like you've processed your past in a really healthy way. But. This isn't about your relationship with your mom, it's about your daughter not being raised in anything approaching the danger that you faced. I would go no contact with mom: you gave her a chance and she's done nothing but test the fences since then. I tend to agree with the posters who say she's already told them or decided to tell them and bringing it up in varied ways ("what about the cousins?" etc.) is her way of softening you up for when you realized it's happened.

You tried, you're a good person, I don't think the rekindled relationship is going to work. Don't think of it as mourning your relationship with your mom, but as cementing your relationship as a mom.

+1000 This is excellent advice, OP. There is NO NEED for you to have a relationship with your mother. All it is going to do is create anxiety, worry and potentially more heartbreak. Let your mother go ...

[jsteele]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1225757.page